I should have known...

... not to let myself try again this soon.

... that I wasn't ready

... that Id get my heart broken...

... that life doesnt usually give happily ever afters...



But how could I have known?





I fought it.

I didnt want to let him in.

I didnt want to make myself vulnerable.

But I didnt have a choice.

It was so easy.

It was bliss.

He was perfect.

He was exactly what I wanted in a husband and more...

Until she came back.

Everything changed when she came back.

I dont want to be number 2.

I dont want to be 2nd pick.



One of my biggest flaws is that I will always choose someone else's happiness over my own

because I cant stand to see someone I love hurting...

so in this case, No. I cannot hope and pray that she breaks his heart again

if they do end up back together

because even though that means I might get him,

it also means that he will be hurt again.

I dont want to care about other people sometimes...


I dont know what to do with myself

I dont know how to act

I dont know how to think

I dont know how to navigate this awful road Im on again.

You'd think....

"You've done it once, you can do it again."

Right?

Nah... not that easy.

When I see him, my heart still jumps and I smile

before I even realize that things arent easy anymore

and I have no reason to smile.


I just dont know what to do.