Things are still in limbo with Blake and I and I am trying to be understanding and give him time to think and work things out in his head before we (meaning him) decide what to do.
I know that at some point, I am going to have to put my foot down and give B the ultimatum... I just dont know when that will be. How can you put a timeline on something that you never thought you'd have to deal with?
I know he needs time, this isnt something he expected to have to think about but I can only take so much for so long.
Basically, C has told him that she misses him and wants to be with him again. Obviously, I am the reason he has not decided to do so at this point.
I know this came out of nowhere for him as they have not spoken in 5 months (since she left him) and that it is throwing him for a loop. On one hand, the girl he thought he was going to marry has asked for another chance while on the other, he is happy and enjoying his time getting to know me and being with me. He is having to think about something he never thought he'd have to think about again.
He has been very honest about everything but it still doesnt keep me from regressing into my constant fear that he is not who I think he is. I fear that he is lying, or not where he said he is, or feeling a way he is not telling me (yes, all of this is stemming from my relationship with N and there is absolutely no reason for me to feel this way with B)
No, he is not in constant contact with her. This isnt an issue of him being with both of us and needing to choose one. Yes, he does have to choose one, but he is with me... at least at this moment. Every time he has spoken or seen her, I have known and we have discussed it.
I want to be with B... More than anything in this world. He makes me so happy when I am with him but once again, the fear is taking over. I feel myself pulling back into myself to try to create a barrier so I wont get hurt... Im pretty sure its too late for that.
The majority of the time, things are completely normal between us. We laugh, we joke, we snuggle, we talk- we just enjoy being with each other. I make myself put everything with C on the back burner most of the time so that I dont ruin Blake and I's time together. I dont know what will happen in the end but I do know that I dont want to waste my time with him worrying about what may or may not happen in the near future.
I know this is extremely hard for him. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. He knows I am hurting. He knows I am scared and Im sure he knows how deep Im having to dig to maintain composure in this situation.
Some days I am almost positive that he will choose her. Why? I dont know. I just have a feeling in my gut that I am not lucky enough to actually get to spend my life with him. No, he is not perfect. No, I dont like that he is putting me through this.... but I do know that there was a reason he came into my life and I hope with all of my heart, that it is to become my husband and the father of my children.
Other days, he will say things about the future that makes me know he at least pictures me there. "We are definitely going to see Kings of Leon when they come in September!" "We should try to go down to Charleston sometime soon to see Doug." "When do you work on Sunday?- I wanna make sure we have time to get up and go to church."
I am on edge and trying to get through this week of exams without going crazy with nerves and anxiety and stress.
I know that whatever is supposed to happen will happen and that there is nothing that I can do about it... no matter how much I think about it... or worry about it... or pray about it... but knowing that still doesnt keep my stomach from being in knots, my heart from feeling like its breaking, and my mind from running wild.
Im just scared.
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In reference to my last post, it was already scheduled to be posted today, April 13...
One year since. (N and I broke up)
One month until. (I graduate)
One lifetime to live. (and only one)
One month until. (I graduate)
One lifetime to live. (and only one)
You make me so thankful I don't have to date anymore. It's so hard and confusing. I'm thankful that he is being honest with you. That says way more than words ever will about his character as a man. Ya'll will find your path, whatever it is. A relationship is never easy but always worth it no matter the outcome.
ReplyDeleteWe don't know each other but I am chadandnikki's sisterinlaw:) Hi!
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I think that he should be with you because going back to her would always leave him guessing whether or not she is going to leave again and he will still have that hurt that she put there.
However, with you it is all new. No hurt, no pain, no guilt, no worry..
Just a thought:)