turned it off.

I didnt plan on leaving my phone on this past weekend while I was at home.

I was going to turn it off and just have a weekend where NO ONE could find me.

But, for some reason... I decided to leave it on the whole weekend.

I really think it was because I didnt think Blake would even try to call....

so why would I turn off my phone for nothing??

Yea.... he called me Saturday and although it was a nice surprise to hear from him, I was kicking myself for not making the statement I wanted by turning of my phone and making myself "unreachable."

This week, I decided I wouldn't make that mistake again.

I have kept my phone off since Sunday except for turning it on a couple times a day to check for important voice mails or texts.

This keeps me from wondering whether he called or not.... because I dont know if he has unless he leaves a message... and he NEVER leaves messages.

Okay, thats a lie. It doesnt KEEP me from wondering. It actually stresses me out... A LOT.... But I also know that it would stress me out the same, if not more, if my phone was on and everytime I checked it, there was no text or call from him. At least I know that there is no way to know whether he called this way.

I have not received any texts from him and I attribute that to the fact that this is our last full week of classes and he is probably slammed with exams, papers, and work. (or maybe Im just trying to make myself feel better by telling myself that)

I have received no voicemails from him either. I shouldnt be surprised but It still makes me upset.

I know it has only been 2 days since I turned my phone off, and 3 since he called me last but my gosh, this is so hard.

I dont know why I feel like me turning my phone off would make a statement....

especially if he doesnt even call.

Except for the fact that I have made a conscious decision to NOT sit in our department building like I normally do between classes this week. This should most definitely catch his attention because I am ALWAYS in the same place every single day on campus.... You would think that if he has not seen me in my normal places and has not heard from me either... he'll start to wonder.... or worry..... and call to check up on me.

and when he calls... and my phone is off (which it NEVER is).... he'll have to wonder....

Maybe Im being stupid hoping that he'll worry or wonder enough to call....

i dont know- This probably sounds crazy... it just all feels so foreign.

He told me on Friday when we talked that he still always walks down the department steps looking to see if I am at the table I always sit at and he still walks out of his Tuesday/Thursday class thinking that Ill be sitting in my "normal" spot outside waiting for him.

So I KNOW he normally looks for me....

I guess that is why I am thinking this way.

I WANT him to notice that I am not there.

I WANT him to wish I was there waiting like normal.

I WANT him to miss seeing my face everyday.

I WANT him to want to talk to me enough to call.

I WANT him to wonder why Im not where I usually am....


but I dont know what he is thinking.

I dont know what he is feeling.

But I DO know that this is killing me.

In a way, I know, in my head, that I have to move forward and not dwell on what could have been...

but in another way, I just keep waiting for this to just be a huge joke.

(sigh)

Why is this SO incredibly hard?


For the 2 months that we were together, we always ate dinner together on Tuesday nights after his night class. Normally, I would cook and have dinner ready for him when he got out of class. Last week was REALLY hard because it was the first Tuesday night that I had to eat alone and wonder what he was doing. Tonight- I knew he had his final for that class (because we had talked about going out to celebrate afterwards) and so without even realizing it... Ive caught myself looking at the clock like Im waiting for him to walk in the door for dinner. yea. not a fun thing.

then I saw his roommate's facebook status.... about how she loves her roomies and that she is excited that Blake is cooking them dinner tonight.

It felt like a punch in the stomach.

and there is absolutely NO reason why it should.

I love Blake's relationship with his roommates. I love that they cook dinner together and have movie nights and go out together.

I guess I just hate that all that is still carrying on...

...without ME there...