... I should have known things could get
Disclaimer: No, nothing new has happened between Blake and I so you can exhale! :)
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Yesterday, as many of you know, was 1 year since N and I broke up. As I can never get dates out of my head once they are there, I woke up knowing exactly what day it was. I thought about it, got out of bed, and continued on with my day just like it was any other. That is, until I checked my emaill and found a message from N that simply said,
"One year, today."
FIRST OF ALL, I was completely SHOCKED that he even knew what day it was since he can barely remember his own birthday and SECOND, what the heck am I supposed to say to that??
I chose to not reply and received a text later on that day asking if I had received his email. He wanted to know if I had known what today was before I got my email. (uh, are you kidding? of course, I know what today is, dumbie) We texted back and forth for a minute, me asking about Olly, and him trying to get the low-down on my "new shiny boyfriend" as he always says (????) since he cant seem to just talk to me anymore even just casually without referencing to the fact that Im so "happy and loving life now that I have him out of my life."
He kept asking specifics about Blake and I's relationship that I just didnt feel like he should know considering that he is my ex and its none of his business so I refused to answer them.
He got mad, insisted I tell him
I refused
he flipped out
I decided to just tell him what he wanted to know even though I knew he'd get upset because I just didnt want to hear him go on about it anymore
Just like I thought...
He got mad.
I informed him that HE was the one who wanted to know.
He was still mad
Decided he
- NEVER WANTED TO TALK TO ME AGAIN!
- WAS GOING TO BLOCK MY NUMBER FROM HIS PHONE (EVEN THOUGH I NEVER CALL OR TEXT HIM)
- WAS GOING TO BLOCK ME FROM HIS FACEBOOK (EVEN THOUGH WE WERENT FRIENDS ANYWAYS)
I am going to assume that even if he planned to allow me to see Olly again before, he most definitely wont let me now.
Oh, the joys of trying to please people and getting screwed because of it.
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On the Blake front, I still dont know.
I had an exam today that I was cramming for all day and didnt really get to talk to him much. He came by campus for a second to see me before going for a run but other than that, I hadnt talked to him since this morning.
I got outta my test and called him when I got home (around 4:45- knowing he had to work at 6)
He didnt answer....
Of course, my mind immediately starts coming up with reasons as to why he didnt answer....
- He's in the shower
- He left his phone in his room & he's in the living room watching tv
- He actually had to work at 5 and was already there trying to start early so he could leave early
- He's with C...
I know he trusts me... and it kills me that I have looked in his call and text logs without him knowing now that I know that C wants to be with him again (Yes, I know- its awful- save it for another day). I already knew this week would be really stressful for me since I have 4 exams so I decided that I would not look in his phone (even if I had the chance) because if there was something in there that would upset me, it would completely ruin all of my chances of focusing on studying and doing well on them if I knew awful things. I had SO many opportunities to look last night (when he was in the shower, going down the hall to put his laundry in, etc) and I chose not to... for my sake... for my GPA's sake... for the sake of me trying to graduate with a 4.0 and having only 4 weeks left to maintain it.
I know that me looking in his phone is ridiculous and untrustworthy and I shouldnt do it... but my fear keeps me from listening to my conscience... I want to trust him and not feel like I have to do it but Im am SO afraid to get hurt! I guess I feel like if I find things out myself and dont have to wait to find out later, then I can walk away before he hurts me. Its dumb, I know and sitting here typing this, I am completely embarassed that Ive let myself get to the point where I am DONT trust a guy that I SHOULD trust...
OH MY GOSH! What is wrong with me???
What would you do?
Would you check his phone behind his back for peace of mind?
or would you keep yourself from doing it and keep telling yourself that the truth will come out eventually??????
He eventually called about 5pm and said sorry for missing my call but that he was in Barnes and Noble checking his email and getting some stuff done before going into work (the B&N is right next door to where he works) and didnt want to disrupt all the people around him reading.
That should have eased my mind, right???
WRONG!
Oh no, MY mind immediately thought, "OMGOSH did he meet with C at Barnes & Noble before work?" or "OMGOSH Is he lying to me and he was actually NOT even at Barnes & Noble but was with C instead and THATS why he didnt answer?"
Yup. Sadly, THAT is what I thought.
Seriously? I am one F-ed up girl... Why cant I just be like a normal person and be able to RELAX FOR ONE FREAKIN MINUTE!?
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Oh, and on another front, B has an interview for a job on Friday that is NOT in my hometown NOR in the town we go to school currently. I should be really stoked about it for him but instead, my selfish butt thinks about how IF he gets this job (which I think he will), I wont get to be with him in the same town if I also get into my program. I am bummed that we talked about him moving to my hometown during the 2 years I am in school if he doesnt get into his program the first year...
It is completely ridiculous for me to want him to throw his dreams away for me...and thats definitely not what I want- I just want him to want to be with me so badly that he will make it work so that we are in the same place AND still be able to go to school and get our degrees.
Isnt that what every girl wants?
A guy who cant stand to be apart from them?
Yes, thats what I thought, too.
Sorry for the novel...
You'll figure all of it out. You aren't crazy, you're normal. Just keep taking it one day at a time. Ya'll will figure it out.
ReplyDeleteOkay, first off, PLEASE know that I am saying this from a place of LOVE, and SUPPORT.
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to be "cautious". BUT, ONLY cautious, not wounded before the "game" even begins. There may never even be a battle and you are pulling yourself from the playing field. Love is worth the risks if it is where God is leading you. Guard your heart, DON'T HIDE it or lock it away.
In love, you are going to get hurt, even if you end up married. There is always something that is going to hurt. You will never fully keep yourself from getting hurt. The key is learning how to deal with the hurt in a healthy manner. We grow from those places.
I know going through his phone brought a momentary peace of mind, but it isn't healthy for your relationship. Yes, even if he doesn't know and even if he never finds out, it is still not healthy. Why? Because you already don't trust him (I understand your reasoning, to a degree) and two, because you already have "something to hide" from him.
From an outsiders perspective (that has totally been in this place), if you don't calm down you are going to chase him away. He has no reason to lie to you. He likes you and it wasn't a rebound thing. He liked you for who you were when you met.
THIS girl that you are describing up there... that doesn't sound like the girl he met at first. This girl you are describing is a scared young girl backed in a corner, reacting at ANY movement. You have to set yourself free, and allow good things to happen to you as well. You deserve that!
You are reacting out of past hurts, and that, dear sweet girl, will drive anyone away QUICKLY!
Slow down, take one day at a time. Give things a chance to blossom before cutting off the limbs before the storm just to save the buds from "what could be bad"! You never know what fruit is waiting to be harvested from this relationship. And if it is worth it, the buds will last through ANY storm to produce STRONG FRUIT!
If it is God centered then HE will see you through this, even in the hard times. Blake deserves your trust as well as your honesty.
Praying for you and am glad you are so open and willing to share your heart. You are real and God will use that!
I SWEAR we are twins!! lol No seriously I think it is perfectly normal to feel & think the way you are. Expecially going thru what you did. I would love to be the one to tell you not to look in his phone, but I can't because we always have our guard up. BUT beware you might read something in there and take it out of context & then you can not ask him about it. & if he finds out you read his text messages and call logs he might be so mad you could lose him. Keep your head up honey!!
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