MckMama says...

In one of Mckmama's recent posts she said:

"It is not OUR place to question God"

I am really struggling with this right now. I know that God has a plan for me and even though I dont understand it right now, its going to all work out...But I still find myself asking God daily.....

"Why have you dealt me this hand?"
"How long until things get easier?"
"Why are you doing this to me!?"
"Why cant you just tell me how to fix this nightmare?"
"Why wont you heal my broken heart!?"
"Why is this so hard?"
"If being separate from N is best for me, then why does it hurt so bad?"

I find myself praying more often than not, for God to just help me replace my thoughts of N and all this crap going on with thoughts of Him and His plan for me.... does it work? Sometimes. But other times I feel like I am struggling to simply think of ANYTHING but how much this hurts and what N is doing and how this is going to turn out.

I'd like to say that I am not questioning God... but Im human... and I AM questioning him. I AM.

One second Im sobbing into his arms begging him to just hold me and help me see why I am have to go through this and then the next second I am beating his chest with my fists, screaming at him because of how badly I want him to just take it all away (because I know he can).

Im broken. Im sad. Im angry. Im hurt.
Im scared. Im nervous. Im anxious. Im tired.

Oh, so tired. Tired of sleepless nights and constantly having a knot in my stomach. Tired of feeling so alone, and not knowing what is going to happen. Im-just-plain-tired.

I know that all of this is going to shape me and teach me valuable lessons that will make me who I am but Im failing miserably everytime I try to hang onto that hope. Its hard to look so far in the future when the here and now hurts so badly.

I dont want to question Him. I want to trust Him. Easier said than done.

Sometimes, I just wish he had an audible voice.