You know, the one who goes from relationship to relationship because she doesnt know how to be alone. I have been with N for over 6 years and even though we both thought we werent dependent on each other, we were. Everything I do, I feel like somethings missing because hes not there. Everywhere I look, he's there. There is not one part of my life that doesnt have him intertwined into it...
Hes in the sunset that I see when I attempt to get away and go to the beach.
He's in my sunglasses because he got them for me for my birthday last year.
He's in my favorite foods because they are also his favorites.
He's in every picture that comes up on my screensaver because I loved to photographed him.
He's everywhere. I cant get away and it hurts. Bad.
N is the kind of guy who needs someone there. I was that person for so long and now Im sure he's hanging out with someone just to feel that void even if she doesnt mean anything. I try not to think of that possibility. When he calls to check up on me, I dont want to ask because I dont want to hear something that may upset me. I know that Im doing the right thing by giving myself time to learn to be alone again but I still hate that I dont have someone to run to like he does (Im guessing). Kenny Rogers has a song called "I cant unlove you" and lately its been playing in my head over and over. I hate that its stuck up there. I know I wont just wake up one day and not love him or think about him. It just makes me nervous that I will wake up everyday for the rest of my life and still ache because of how much I love him. Does that ever go away?
You know in the movie "Men in Black" where they hold up that little thingy, big flash, then memory is gone. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have one of those things. Just so I dont have to hurt all the time but then I think about how later, Im going to want to be able to reach back in that file and pull out those great memories. Right now, its just too hard. Its a lose, lose situation.
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