Scratch that.

Sooo.... I finally got off my overnight job last night well past midnight and was stoked to finally relax, get that hefty paycheck I expected, and sleep in a bit this morning....

Well... none of those things happened.

I got off around 1230 am and then had to drive the 30 minutes to my sisters house so I would be there to bring them to the airport today. scratch relaxing.

and well.... I got a paycheck. A hefty one? not what I had expected. I changed pee sheets almost everyday this week, dealt with a puking child, AND did like a trillion loads of laundry all on top of all the other things that are expected. scratch hefty paycheck.

Sleep in this morning? Nope. I got up at 5am after not getting to bed until close to 2am to bring my sis and her husband to the airport. scratch sleeping in.

I just get through everyday by telling myself that things will be better tomorrow or that I just need to wait it out and sooner or later, I'll catch a break. It sucks when that break never comes.

On a side note: I LOVE LOVE LOVE the family I babysat for. But its frustrating sometimes because I work really REALLY hard when Im there and I deal with things that a lot babysitters wouldnt deal with (with a smile on my face, for that matter). Sometimes they pay me AWESOME and sometimes its just not what I expected. I probablly set myself up to be disappointed by working out about how much they owe me on my own- but it still sucks. I love those little boys so I would never stop watching them but man, Im way disappointed.

Oh well.

Okay, Im done complaining for the day.

Thanks for listening.

Update (2:48pm): Okay... well now Im feeling guilty for complaining and being disappointed. The more I think about it the more I realize that the economy sucks right now and even though it may not seem like it- EVERYONE is suffering. I love this family and I know they love me too and they would never purposely give me less than I earned. I probablly over-reacted and should be grateful for what I got even though it was a really hard week.

Funnies from the week

Here are some of the funny things that have happened this week :)


(I will refer to each boy by the first letter of their name )

H: 10 years
G: 9 years
A: 8 years
B: 5 years
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
When the mom told A that I was coming to stay for 9 days...

A: yayyyy! I love when Miss A comes!

Mom: yeah! you guys are gonna have so much fun!

A: (pause....) AW MAN, That means I have to eat vegetables and fruits for 9 whole days!!!

HAHA- These boys know my rules and fruits and veggies are a part of every single meal during my time with them. A is a very picky eater and this is the part he hates about me coming :)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

After being stung by a bee on Friday at school, A has refused to go outside without a "bodyguard" for fear that the bees are out to get him. All morning whiled we tried to get ready to go to the beach, he refused to go get his boogie board on his own bc of the nonexistant "bees." Well anyways, as we were leaving the beach, this is the conversation I had with A...

A: Miss A, will you put my boogie board away when we get home?

Me: No, buddy. You can do it yourself. It is your boogie board and I have other bags I need to bring into the house.

A: BUUUUTTTT the BEEEESSSS are gonna get me...!!!

Me: A, there arent any bees. You will be fine. If you see any bees, you let me know and I will make sure they dont get you

all the other boys had been quietly listening to the conversation until B (the youngest) felt the need to express his thoughts about A's fear of bees.

B: A! Stop being such a PUSSY!

(Uhhh...... WHAT? Did that REALLY just come out of a 5 year olds mouth?!)

Me: uh, B... where did you hear that word?

B: I dont know

Me: well .... uhhh.... what does it mean?

B: ummmm.... well... I dont know.

Me: okay... Thats not a very nice word so lets not say that again.

B: okay!


and that was the end of it.... talk about catching me off guard :) Whew! Im glad the short attention span of boys allowed me to easily get out of that one :)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The other night I had G and B in the bathtub before bed. While they were playing- I was scurrying around folding laundry, putting clothes away, picking out school clothes for the next day and trying to pick up the rediculous amount of odds and ends that four active boys drop during the day. Anyways... this is what I heard coming from the bathroom.


G: B!! Stop playing with your wenis!

B: Im just trying to stretch it out!

G: Whhhhyyyy?

B: BECAUSE! I want it to be like daddys!!

G: Its not gonna be like daddy's until you get bigger and find a wife.

B: Well, why not? I want to have a wenis like daddy NOW!

G: Well too bad! You cant have a wenis like daddy because you're not big and you have to be big to have a wenis like daddy.

B: Oh. So when I get bigger... I'll finally have a wenis like daddy?

G: Yes, B. When you're bigger.


(and then just like that, they went back to playing) HAHA
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hope you enjoyed! Tomorrow is my last day! I love these boys but I am definately ready for some relaxing time :) Their parents' plane doesnt land until almost midnight tomorrow night so I am expecting a late late night.... THEN... I get to drive the 45 minutes to my sisters house because she and her husband are leaving for their long over-do honeymoon Sunday morning and I will be driving them to the airport at 6am and then house/dog sitting for them for a week.

Whew! Im tired just thinking about it!

MckMama says...

In one of Mckmama's recent posts she said:

"It is not OUR place to question God"

I am really struggling with this right now. I know that God has a plan for me and even though I dont understand it right now, its going to all work out...But I still find myself asking God daily.....

"Why have you dealt me this hand?"
"How long until things get easier?"
"Why are you doing this to me!?"
"Why cant you just tell me how to fix this nightmare?"
"Why wont you heal my broken heart!?"
"Why is this so hard?"
"If being separate from N is best for me, then why does it hurt so bad?"

I find myself praying more often than not, for God to just help me replace my thoughts of N and all this crap going on with thoughts of Him and His plan for me.... does it work? Sometimes. But other times I feel like I am struggling to simply think of ANYTHING but how much this hurts and what N is doing and how this is going to turn out.

I'd like to say that I am not questioning God... but Im human... and I AM questioning him. I AM.

One second Im sobbing into his arms begging him to just hold me and help me see why I am have to go through this and then the next second I am beating his chest with my fists, screaming at him because of how badly I want him to just take it all away (because I know he can).

Im broken. Im sad. Im angry. Im hurt.
Im scared. Im nervous. Im anxious. Im tired.

Oh, so tired. Tired of sleepless nights and constantly having a knot in my stomach. Tired of feeling so alone, and not knowing what is going to happen. Im-just-plain-tired.

I know that all of this is going to shape me and teach me valuable lessons that will make me who I am but Im failing miserably everytime I try to hang onto that hope. Its hard to look so far in the future when the here and now hurts so badly.

I dont want to question Him. I want to trust Him. Easier said than done.

Sometimes, I just wish he had an audible voice.

Kicked.

I feel like Ive been kicked in the stomach.

This is a nightmare. I just want to wake up.

Man, was I wrong.

My plan when N and I split was to fill up as much of my time as possible in the hope that my busy-ness would prevent me from thinking about everything...

Man, was I wrong.

I thought for sure that chasing after four little boys day after day would leave me exhausted with no time to think about him...

Man, was I wrong.

On the hard days... Ive always told myself that things will get better with each passing day and that I just have to stay strong for a little while longer before things would start to look up...

Man, was I wrong.




Im tired of being wrong.

Six Word Saturday

Ohhhhh, I have a headache. Ouch!

Playing Mommy

As Ive said before, I have been babysitting for the last decade of my life :)

Every summer, on top of all of my regular babysitting jobs, I do a lot of overnight things while parents go on vacation.

For the next 9 days I have a family of four boys (ages 10,9,8,5) overnight while their parents are on vacation. Luckily they are still in school from 8-2 so I get a little break and some extra time to sleep. (haha) This week will be filled with baseball games, memorial day celebrations, crafts, movie nights, ice cream sunday parties, etc. I absolutely love these boys and I love that I get to be a big part of their lives.

Anyways, Im sure I'll have some funny stories to tell you along the way :)

Uncomfortable in my own skin.

I havent been able to pinpoint what the worst thing about all this is until today.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

It's like Im not me without him.

It's like my world is crumbling around me and I cant reconstruct it fast enough.

It's like this is a nightmare and I just cant seem to wake up.

I know that we chose this. That this is very necessary. I just hate this!!! I dont want to say Im not strong enough to do this bc if I say it, I will become it and well... I cant do that.

Another.... When did THAT happen?

I have always loved children.
I started being a "mothers helper" when I was 11 and have never looked back.
Over the years, I have watched many children and have had the opportunity to watch many grow up. Going away to school as been tough because I only see the kids every few months or so.

Well.... last night I babysat for the VERY FIRST family I ever babysat for when I was 11. This family is like my family and man, do I love those three boys!

Anyways- after I put everyone to bed last night- I began calculating just how long Ive been with this family. I started watching J when he was 6 months old and he is now 11!

.... so that means....

I have been babysitting for these boys for over a DECADE!!!!!

Man... do I feel old!

When did THAT happen????

Sometimes...

...I feel like Im fighting for a lost cause.

When did THAT happen???

Somehow, My baby sister is old enough to go to prom!!!....

When did THAT happen??

I love that I got to spend the day with her getting ready and taking pictures.















There are 6 years between us and E is 3 inches taller...

... yet many people ask if we are twins.

When they realize we're not twins, they still have to ask who is the older sister!

Uh... thanks guys. haha.

Greys Anatomy Season Finale

Did anyone watch the season finale of Greys Anatomy last night?

I did.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I need to remember...

God is more interested in your character than your comfort

and he is more interested in making your life holy

than he is in making your life happy.

I dont want to be... THAT girl.

You know, the one who goes from relationship to relationship because she doesnt know how to be alone. I have been with N for over 6 years and even though we both thought we werent dependent on each other, we were. Everything I do, I feel like somethings missing because hes not there. Everywhere I look, he's there. There is not one part of my life that doesnt have him intertwined into it...

Hes in the sunset that I see when I attempt to get away and go to the beach.

He's in my sunglasses because he got them for me for my birthday last year.

He's in my favorite foods because they are also his favorites.

He's in every picture that comes up on my screensaver because I loved to photographed him.

He's everywhere. I cant get away and it hurts. Bad.



N is the kind of guy who needs someone there. I was that person for so long and now Im sure he's hanging out with someone just to feel that void even if she doesnt mean anything. I try not to think of that possibility. When he calls to check up on me, I dont want to ask because I dont want to hear something that may upset me. I know that Im doing the right thing by giving myself time to learn to be alone again but I still hate that I dont have someone to run to like he does (Im guessing). Kenny Rogers has a song called "I cant unlove you" and lately its been playing in my head over and over. I hate that its stuck up there. I know I wont just wake up one day and not love him or think about him. It just makes me nervous that I will wake up everyday for the rest of my life and still ache because of how much I love him. Does that ever go away?

You know in the movie "Men in Black" where they hold up that little thingy, big flash, then memory is gone. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have one of those things. Just so I dont have to hurt all the time but then I think about how later, Im going to want to be able to reach back in that file and pull out those great memories. Right now, its just too hard. Its a lose, lose situation.

SERIOUSLY!????!!!

All I can say today is... Seriously!?

A little background information to get you up to speed.

I have been living in my apartment with one other girl for almost a year now. It is right near campus and we loved that the complex was brand new and within walking distance to many things. Ever since we moved in, we have had noise problems with the neighbors who live right below us. It doesnt matter how many times we go down and nicely knocked on the door to ask them to please turn off that GOD AWFUL RAP MUSIC those lovely cultured tunes that they so often play, they always seem to turn it right back up after 10 minutes. Well, we try to cut them some slack if it is on the weekend or during an easy week but when exams come around we have no choice but to address the problem. I would say we have been to our landlord 3-4x this year and called the nonemergency police line for noice complaints in the wee hours of the morning 3x as well.

Welllllll... with only 24 hours left until I am home-free, I figured that I was in the clear and wouldnt have to deal with the problem anymore (because they are moving out soon)..

UNTIL I woke up this morning to my walls vibrating once again. I casually got out of bed, with the intent to give them a couple hours to get it out of thier system, before I had to address the problem and get to studying for my Physics final tomorrow.

and heres how it went.

10:00am startled out of sleep because my walls and bed are shaking.
Get out of bed, brush my teeth, washed my face, grab some breakfast, check my email, facebook, blogupdates....
11:30am jump in the shower hoping they will turn off the music by the time I get out
12:00pm Head over to the leasing office to pay my rent and have them address this "problem"
1:00pm Music is still thumping and shaking the apartment
1:15pm In an attempt to by a respectful neighbor, I put on my flipflops to head down and knock on the door....

Well heres how that went.
knock knock......no answer
knock knock (a little louder).... no answer
knock knock (a little LOUDER).... no answer
BANG BANG BANG!

The door swings open and I see the most intimidating girls I have ever seen in my life who ask in a very... not nice way... WHAT THE..**** ...YOU WANT?!

Me: Uh, hey, do you mind turning down your music a little, please, Im trying to study for a final exam thats tomorrow.
Scary Girl #1: Uh, **** No, Who the... **** ... do you think you are?
Scary Girl #2: (just stares at me really mean like im doing something awful
Me: oh, uh, I would really appreciate it. Im really trying to study...
Scary Girl #1: GET THE **** out of my house, you little *****!
Scary Girl #2: (tries to slam the door in my face)

*** well the slamming didnt work because my flipflopped foot was in the doorway. ****

when i saw the door coming at me, I held up my hands to prevent broken toes.
the door hit my hands/foot flew back at Scary Girls and.....

then it happened.....

The door swung back open, and Scary Girl #1 storms out and lifts her fist to punch me while also continuing her nice flow of inappropriate words....

I take a step back to avoid the blunt of a swing I wasnt sure why I am receiving.

My movement must have saved my face ( or whatever she was aiming at) because the blunt of the force landed on my chest and shoulders almost knocking me to the ground....

I stumble back, avoid falling, look up completely shocked, see scary girl still looking like she wants to chew me up and spit me out have a 2nd go and so I turn on a dime and RUN UP THE STAIRS AS FAST AS I CAN to my little apartment to get away from this psycho clearly upset neighbor who for some reason felt the need to punch me for asking her to turn her music down.

Needless to say, the morning was spent crying, shaking, speaking to 2 very nice policemen, and filling out police reports against 2 scary girls. Not much studying has been accomplished...

Ahhhhh... and I thought things couldnt get worse....

Broken

Sweet Kayleigh went to be with Jesus last night.

I know many have followed her story from her miraculous birth weighing only 1 pound 1 oz and through the past 11 months of her life.

My heart breaks for this family as they have had to say goodbye to their precious baby girl before they were ready but I rejoice in knowing that Kayleigh is whole and healed in the arms of Jesus.

I know very few, if not anybody, read my blog but if you do happen to stumble across it today... please wrap this family in prayers and storm the floodgates of heaven on their behalf.

Kayleigh Anne Freeman (June 23, 2008 - May 11, 2009 @ 9:44PM)

Go Away Summer!

As a life-long beach local,
I am always counting down the days until summer
so I can go home and enjoy my favorite place on earth.
But.... this summer is different.

For the first time in my life...
I wish we could just skip summer this year.
Can't August be here already?
That way I will be busy with new classes and
coursework to stay on top of.
I wont have time to think of N
and what is missing from my life.

The summer...
It wont be the same.
The place that always felt right and comfortable
is now anxiety filled and foreign.
N is everywhere.

I want it back.

I took my 2nd to last exam today.
God only knows how I have managed to make it through.
I should be cramming for my physics exam on Wednesday.
but of course, my mind is elsewhere.

I hate that the one thing that I could always look forward to
is now a nightmare that is coming too quickly.

Im not ready.
When Im at school, that place seems far away
and I can forget everything for a moment.
but when I am in the midst of all those reminders
I feel like I cant breathe.

So...

Go Away Summer!

From the Beginning

Heres to get you up to speed


N and I met 3 weeks after I started my freshman year of highschool.
He began dating my best friend. I began dating his
I wasnt feeling the friend. broke it off.
My best friend broke things off with N because she "didnt have time for a boyfriend"
N and I were good friends by then.
By October,
I could tell things were heading in the
relationship direction.
I told my best friend that
I thought I liked him.
Asked her if it would bother her if i got to know him better.
She said she didnt care and that she was happy for me.
WRONG. She tried to break us up 3-4 times over the next 2 years.
Needless to say, Shes not my best friend anymore.


After 6 months of blissful dating,
late night talks,
first kiss,
missing curfew,
learning about each other.
N and I had our first fight.
Had no idea how to deal with it
as we had never fought before.
He was having family isssues as well.
We decided we needed some space and broke up.
2 weeks later I hear he is dating someone new.
Heart broken. I tried to move on.
1 month goes by. I see N in the hall at school.
He smiles big, tells me I look great.
I remember exactly what I was wearing.
A jean skirt. Red collared shirt.
Brown clark sandles that felt too big. My hair was crimped.
N tells me things are awful with new girl
and to call him that night so we could catch up.
I call, we talk and I realize I really miss him.
Things end with N and new girl.
I believe in 2nd chances
N and I get back together.



Somewhere along the way, we fall in love.

I want to spend all my time with him.

He gives me butterflies even after a year.
He is the only one that can make my blood boil
but the only one who can make me laugh til my sides ache.

I love him even with all his flaws


2 years go by
N graduates highschool.
moves out of his dads house
into a condo.
I love growing up with him.
Im a Junior.
I begin applying to colleges.
He tells me to pick where I feel I should go.
Not to worry about how far away it is.
that it will work out no matter what
He was always so supportive.
I choose a college 3 hours away.
I plan to come home 2x a month.
That soon turns into 3.
I am miserable at school.

School is demanding.
For both of us.
Things get hard.
We take breaks to see what works.
Always end up finding each other again.

October 2007
We decide to get a puppy
We name him O
We love him from day 1
I miss him when I am at school
so I come home every weekend to see my 2 boys
I love waking up beside N with O inbetween us
O makes us a family

6 years.
We are comfortable.
Too comfortable?
I love him and He loves me.
but there are differences.
I want kids. He doesnt.
I want to grow up. He wants to be a kid.
I want to play house. He wants to play video games.
Things seem so complicated.
but we love each other
and thats all we need, right?


We question our relationship.
Why are we together?
because we are so comfortable that its easy
or do we want to get married and be together forever?
Would it work?
Even with all our major differences?

Months go by.
Things get tense.
We love being together but
the future looms
and reminds us more often than not
that the next step is fast approaching.
Boy meets girl
Begin Dating
Fall in love
Move in together
Get a dog
Get engaged
Get Married
Have babies

Our next step is a big one
A ring on ur finger means a lot
It means forever.
Are we prepared for forever?
A lot to think about.

We spend Easter weekend together.
Its the same
yet different.
We both know.
but I hope Im wrong.
I go back to school.
He calls that Monday.
I can hear it in his voice.
We need to talk
We both agree.
We dont know if it would work
for the rest of our lives
We want different things.
Our hearts ache.
We dont want to.
But feel its neccesary.
We need to KNOW for certain
and to do that.
we need time.

We dont know what its like to not be "us"
Will we look back one day and wonder...
what it would have been like without the other
whether we missed out on something better.
We dont know
We're scared.

I love him
And that is why
I cant hold onto something that I love
without giving him the chance the fly
and experience the world
so that he will know for sure
what he wants.

Maybe he will find his way back to me.
Hopefully without too many scars
Hopefully without too many mistakes
but if he does not,
I'll know its bc it wasnt meant to be.

It still hurts.
4 weeks later
I still cant eat
I still cant sleep
I think of him everyday.
We talk some.
It helps and it hurts.

I know that God has a plan.
I need to trust that.
What is meant to happen,
Will Happen.

Ramblings of a Healing Heart

I never thought I would start a blog before I had kids to plaster all over it... but here I am. If I have learned one thing throughout the last four weeks, its that what you THOUGHT is not always what WILL BE. I will warn you...What you see is what you get - honest, uncensored ramblings of a healing heart. This will be my outlet as I struggle to heal after ending a 6 year relationship with a guy I love too much to keep.