I walked away

I have demons that I chose not to face.

Demons that are the result of the past 2 years of heartache.

Demons that I've shoved in the closet

as I pretended my life with just fine,

when in actuality,

I was so lost.



I cant heal until I face my demons.

Feelings of inadequecy.

Unworth.

Confusion,

Not knowing what it is I want.

Because I cant even trust my own gut.

I did before.

And I got burned anyway.



Fighting those demons is going to take time.

And until I feel that I am right with the Lord

I will never be ready to give myself to someone else.



I was shattered.

Broken into a million different pieces

over these past two plus years.

and God is still working on piecing me back together.

I dont want to give pieces of me to someone.

I want to give them the whole.

For this reason

I have decided to take a step back from boy

and focus on fighting my demons,

forgiving myself

and listening to what it is God wants me to know.

Because boy deserves more than I can give him right now.

and it sucks.


I am trusting that everything is going to work out how it is supposed to....

regardless of the things I have to do right now for me...

so

I walked away.


{for now}

Alternate

I got alternate for the sonography program which pisses me off and makes me excited all at the same time.

Pissed because this waiting game- the one that has my life on hold- is continuing...

I have so many ?s.
What number alternate am I?
When will I know?
If I am offered a position, then how do I know whether Im supposed to take it or not?

Excited because this could be a great opportunity and career!

I have some phone calls to make and a lot of praying to do!

New

Life has been nuts the past couple weeks! I don't have time to go into it all but I will tell you that there are a lot of "new" things in my life.... new mindsets, new approaches, new promises, new goals, new books, new HOPE!.... :)


I'll get into all that later, but for now I'll just share a couple of NEW things that I have gotten in the past two weeks!

For my little sister's 18th birthday, we both got matching tattoos! Let me preface by saying that I was FREAKING OUT! BUT I didn't let anyone know! :) I stayed cool, calm, and collected on the outside, while I was literally having a panic attack on the inside! We had originally decided on one idea and then revamped the idea literally hours before we had the tattoos done and that was scary for me! In the end, (and after like 8 hours of waiting in a tattoo parlor with HILARIOUS people) we decided on this:

One thing I will always remember about being little is how much it meant to me when my mom would leave me little notes or write me letters. In most of these letters, she always signed them.... "More than you'll ever know." That statement has been a source or comfort, affection, and promise over the years and it just warms my heart thinking about my mom looking at me, craziness and all, knowing that she will always love me more than I'll ever know. I LOVE how the tattoo came out and even though it itches like crazy as it heals, I am really happy that I went through with it!

Next, on the NEW list is THIS BABY!

My brand new 2011 Hyundai Sante Fe Limited!

I have been driving my POS car for 8 years now and it is getting to be a little dangerous with the transmission issues, sticky gas pedal, and a dozen other little quirks. I finally decided Id had enough and started looking at SUVs. I originally wanted to wait until July/August in hope that I'd find an awesome deal on a 2011 as they made room for the new 2012 models but I loved this SUV and the price was right (after some negotiating) so I decided to go with it! I LOVEEEEE IT!!! Now, I will say, I am scared to death to drive right now because I'm so afraid someone is going to hit me but I LOVEEEE ITTTT! Have I mentioned that I LOVEEE IT??? :) I'll post more about it later!

So there you have it!

I promise, I'll post more soon!

I have an update on Boy, school, etc so get excited!

HAHA

Or not

my life isnt really that exciting :)

No Vacay...

My friend's PTO days were not approved.

No vacation.

Im gonna cry.

OHHHH Update

Hellloooooo!

I didn't want to leave you hanging much longer so here are bullet points about the past weeks of non blogging time!

• I finished the application process for this years admissions to the Sonography program and should find out within the next couple weeks. I'm pretty torn on this one. I really don't think I will get in but if I do, I feel obligated to attend. I'm not quite sure its what I wanna do but I'll cross that road when I come to it aka IF I get accepted into the program. Good thing about not being sure is that there is a lot less pressure about the outcome of my point count.






• I am currently in the process of booking an ALL INCLUSIVE VACATION for the end of June with one of my best friends! I am SOOOO excited and am proud of myself for finally taking the vacation I deserve after working 50+ hours/wk for the past year! I'm getting a little irritated by how laid back my friend is being about getting her passport and taking her PTO days at work because if she screws this up for me, I'm gonna have to open a can of whoop ass! :) I know she wants to go, but she is just so used to people doing everything for her that she's just sitting around waiting for me to take care of it. Dumb Dumb, have fun trying to make it in the real world without mommy and daddy. :)






• My transmission is jacked in my car. It wont consistently shift into reverse from park or drive. It's lurching into reverse and literally sends me flying backwards 30-40% of the time. This means I am in the market for a new car! Scary but exciting! I am going to drive this one until it literally stops in the middle of the road and I have to have it towed :) But meanwhile, I am going to be casually searching for midsized SUVs. Any suggestions??!! I LOVE my Mom's Hyundai Sante Fe and have also been looking into Highlanders and Pilots too but am open to anything anyone has had good luck with. Its really scary to think about signing a paper that promises I will pay lots of money every month but I've crunched numbers and know I can do it with my income. I am not sure whether Id like to buy New or Used so suggestions on that are welcome too. I do not like the idea of a new car depreciating SOOO much the moment you drive it off the lot but I do like the idea of a full warranty left on it. I know you can get warranties on used cars too so its just gonna take a lot of research before I make any decisions. Hopefully I'll get another 6 months out of this car but I'll never know until it happens.






• I met a boy! A GOOD, GODLY, RESPECTFUL, boy! One who is so good to me (maybe too good! Its been 6 weeks and you'd be so proud of me because I haven't even let him kiss me! I've been taking this one SLOOOWWWW (Maybe too slow but that's okay) but I feel like that's what I need! We've talked about everything under the sun... from our upbringing, family, marriage, kids, our pasts, futures, to our walk with the Lord! Its been refreshing but super scary because this is the first time in my life that I have made it very clear that Christ is going to be the center of the relationship or that there will be no relationship at all. I'm going to be honest, I'm not 100% sure I know exactly what that looks like but I definitely know what it does not look like. Right now, my only concern is that it is moving to fast for me (in the emotional aspect) because he is 29 and I know ready to pursue marriage and a family and I'm not sure I'm there yet... at least not with him. Only because I barely know him except for what Ive learned in the past 6 weeks and I do not believe you can know someone that soon. So far he is everything I would ever hope for in a husband but I don't know if the passion is there... and if it's not, I know it could never work. So I'm gonna keep taking things slow and keep communicating with him about how I'm feeling (obviously in a thoughtful manner) and first and foremost, keep praying for the Lord to show me what to do.






• I just spent a week in Disney with the family I nanny for and man am I glad to be back! :) We had a great time for sure but its tiring playing mommy all the time! haha! Don't get me wrong, I was very grateful for the vacation but any vacation with 4 young children really isn't a vacation at all! Especially after spending 13 hours squished between a 5 year old and a 7 year old in the back of a mini van! Oh Mickey, you totally don't have the effect on me that you used to! ;)






• I feel like every single girl Ive ever known is announcing their pregnancies! Which is weird all around for me regardless of whether they are married or single or whatever! We are WAY too young for this junk! Marriage! Babies! Houses! Okay, maybe not but COME ON PEOPLE! Stop reminding me that I'm behind on the "fall in love, get married, buy a house, have a baby" gig!
  
  
  
  

Alright, Greys Anatomy is calling my name on DVR so Ill have to update you more later!

Happy Easter!

I feel like Ive been gone foreverrrrrr! I have SO much to tell you!


Soon!


Very Soon!

Are you freaking kidding me?

Blake texted me yesterday. Jist of the conversation? He's married. Are you freaking kidding me? What. A. F-ing. Douche.

Half Marathon

SOOOO


I DID IT!


I finished my half marathon!

No Walking!

No Stopping!


In 2 hours and 5 minutes (about 9:30min pace)


I was hoping to do it under 2 hours but I am SOO SOO SOO fine with how I finished! I kept my planned pace for the first 7-8 miles and then literally hit a wall! My body hurt so bad for the last 5 miles that I thought I was going to just FALL OVER! I had to slow down but that is okay because I still feel like I did really well!

SOO glad its over!

OMGOSH!!!!

My half marathon is in just 7 days! OMGOSHHHHHH!

Head Spinning

Went back up to where I went to school on Thursday with the plan to stay til Monday.

I came back Saturday morning instead.


Thought I could trust people.

Turns out I cant.


Was in the process of drawing up a business plan to start my own business.

Found two other agencies just like it already in my area.


I can see it in my moms eyes that somethings going on with her and my dad.

But she wont talk to me.


Am trying to maintain friendships that have been distanced over the years.

Seems the other parties dont care to.


Trying to figure out if I should pack up and move away.

But cant imagine leaving my family for a promise of nothing.


Getting so incredibly close to my half marathon

and am realizing I will be running alone.


My head is spinning

because life doesnt make sense.

CRRRAZZZZYYYY DAYS

I feel like Ive been running around like a chicken for the past week! I dont remember the last time I slept through the night and actually felt refreshed the next day. Between training, working, and babysitting, I am just soooo tired!!

I worked 15 hours on Saturday, another 8 yesterday and now I have my niece all day / night until I have to babysit in the morning.... followed by a run... and a 7 hour shift at work then a full day with the kids...

Im heading back to where I went to school on thursday but even a weekend that should be fun is starting to stress me out as I have NO idea when Im going to pack or get a long run in this week because Im traveling.

In addition, one of our main workers at Omega got a "big boy" job and starts on March 1st. Ive been asked if Id be willing to pick up some of the hours he'll be leaving behind. On one hand, Im stoked for the opportunity to make some extra money but on the other hand, Im dizzy just thinking about another 6-12 hours of work each week. I guess Ill see how it goes and go from there.

4 weeks til my half marathon! FREAKING out a little! :)

PS. Running with a stroller is SO much harder than running alone- even if you do have REALLY cute company! :)

Valentines Day

Valentines Day is one of those holidays thats great when you have someone but not so much when youre alone.

I had dinner with N Saturday (after his insistance.... even though I told him I didnt think it was a good idea) to discuss how I feel about our "situation." It didnt go so great. I made him agree beforehand that, no matter what, he'd conduct himself maturely, which he did but he was still not happy with the outcome despite my warning. He was expecting me to say that I wanted to eventually be with him again... it seemed that he wanted me to basically give him a list of things that needed to happen before Id agree to try again. WHAT THE? He wasnt very happy when I told him that I just didnt feel good about re-igniting something that Im very unsure about. (WHICH IVE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG!!)

So now I feel like a jerk for letting him take me to dinner even though I told him we shouldnt go to dinner... but do coffee or something..... I guess Vday was getting to him too and he was trying to salvage the crappy holiday.... ughhhhhh!

Then I got a text from him at midnight last night that said....

" Happy Valentines Day. Have fun... whoever you spend it with."


Really?


Are we 12 again that we have to send texts like that ?

Im really just over the whole thing. Ive made it very clear how I feel and STILL, he thinks my view is going to change.

Since when do the words coming out of my mouth NOT mean what I say??

Whatever.

Im going to take everyone's advice and even though its going to suck to not see Olly, just stop talking to N. If I post again about him, you have my permission to kick me! :)

On a good note, I get to spend this morning with my niece! She is awesome and I love the time I get with her!

AND its supposed to be 60 degrees today (but a little windy) so I think she and I will go for a run when she gets up from her nap! :)


Valentines Day, you suck!... but Im gonna make the best of it!

:) HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE!

bullets

• N hasnt contacted me since Sunday, which is good since I asked for space and time to think. I asked for time because I really didnt wanna deal with all that right now. I do need time. However, I havent been doing much thinking about that during this "time." I think I feel like I dont need to think about it because I know deep down what I need to do. Im just dreading having the conversation because I know it is going to create drama and I REALLY dont like drama. Eventually Im going to have to call him and let him know... cuz you know, its not very nice to just leave someone hanging like that.
• Im supposed to do a long run (9 miles) today. (Actually I was supposed to to do it yesterday but I had to work) but it's raining and 33 degrees outside. I guess I can just do it tomorrow... but that would mean Ive already taken three rest days this week and am gonna have to take another on Sunday because of my work schedule. I dont want to get into the habit of taking so many days off a week especially now that Im up to higher mileages. Ugh, U SUCK WEATHER.
• Somethings going on with my rents. I dont know what it is but things are just weird around the house lately. I tried to talk to my little sister about it but she refuses to talk about what shes noticing because then itd make it real. NEWS FLASH. Just because you ignore it doesnt mean its gonna go away.
• Theres a lot going on in my head right now but I am totally copping out and pushing it all to the back burner because I am just too exhausted to deal with all of it right now. Is that bad?

Update on N situation

I.

Am.

SO.

Over.

It.

N has now come back and tried to apologize and profess his love for me. Saying he really wants to give us another chance.

R U KIDDING ME?

You just FLIPPED out on me and told me you never wanted to see me again!

I dont feel good even considering giving him another chance.

His "Im sorry's" dont mean anything to me anymore and Ive made that very clear.

Our relationship was so hard on me and I never realized it until I was on the outside looking back.

I dont want to do that again.

EVER.



I have a problem with not wanting to hurt people so this is really hard for me.

I KNOW I dont want to marry N.

SO WHY AM I HESITATING TELLING HIM TO HIT THE ROAD?

I dont want to hurt him.

and I dont want to give up Olly.

Dont get me wrong. I have been VERY honest about how I dont feel that us being together is a good thing

but

I have also allowed myself to hang out with N and all our mutual friends a few times over the past month or so. I made the mistake of believing that he would believe the words coming out of my mouth when I said over and over that "We are not getting back together."

Clearly he isnt hearing me... or isnt believing me... or something.

I DONT KNOW.


AHHHHH!!

I know I should just break all communication and just accept that he is most likely going to keep Olly from me.

but Im being selfish and I dont want to give up Olly.

or hurt anyone.

Help me out here.

N's bday.

Remember how I told you about how I was trying to maintain a better relationship with N?

Yeah. That is no more....

His bday cook out/ party was Saturday night and he had asked me a while back if Id come. I had to jump through hoops to make it happen but I did and I even made him his favorite pie as a birthday present. Everything went great in the beginning-- All our old friends were back together and I was enjoying meeting his new friends. He told me multiple times throughout the night how much everyone liked me and how much he appreciated the effort I was putting forth to get to know everyone instead of expecting him to occupy me all night (HA!- He doesnt know how independent I am now apparantly). Everything was going off without a hitch and I was having a really good time! At one point, they all decided they wanted to go to a little beach bar up the street so we jumped in the car and headed that way.

We danced.

We drank.

We laughed.

We remembered old times.

We saw some great friends.

And we celebrated N's first 25 yrs of life!

And then N decided to ask me to "be his girl" in the middle of the dance floor. I, of course, said no explaining that this was not the time or place for us to discuss this but that he knew how I felt about it and that we had too many issues that still needed to be resolved before that could even be considered.

He agreed that we could discuss it later and that he should just enjoy his bday with great friends!

(At one point during then night, one of our old friends, Brian, (who was incredibly wasted) decided it'd be funny to grab my boob as a joke (Insert gasp here bc yes, I was very surprised). I just shook it off because of the fact that they were drinking and he hadnt done it to be vulgar or mean... he just thought he was being funny.)

ANYWAYS....

Night went on- things were totally fine and everyone had a great time....

.......

Insert Downward spiral here.

Later in the night, as we were all getting back to N's and everyone had gone their separate ways (or passed out), N decided to lay in on me about how "slutty" I am and how I am "just like his Ex" and that I "ruined his birthday" just like she did.

He was mad because

1. I had danced with one of our friends, who is a guy, at some point in the night with a bunch of other friends in a group

2. because I "allowed" Brian to "FEEL ME UP"

Yes, you read that right. He is mad that I danced with our guy friend, who we've been friends with FOREVER in a HUGE GROUP OF OUR FRIENDS DANCING and because I ALLOWED a guy who has been our friend for ages to FEEL ME UP in a bar.

This was the first time in all our time together that I realized just how emotionally and verbally abusive N is. I cried my eyes our while he yelled at me about how awful of a person I am and how he never wants to see me again and how he wanted me to get out of his face and go "slut it up with all his friends." I tried to contribute this to his drunkeness thinking that he'd come to his senses in the morning and apologize....

Nope.

He just started right back up in the morning.

He refused to allow me to explain anything to him.

He refused to acknowledge that dancing is not having sex and that it is totally harmless-- especially in a group of friends.

He refused to acknowledge that I DID NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO FEEL ME UP nor did I even approve of Brians "accidental" boob grace.


I left after he told me to "get the F*** out of his house and never come back."



Im done girls (and guys).

I know I did nothing wrong.

I hung out with our friends and tried to make N's bday one of his bests.

He, however, had a different agenda for the night and decided he wanted to be mad at SOMEONE.

No surprise that I was the target.

He has since tried to contact me to apologize for his name calling and demeaning assault... in addition to some texts to "correct" his initial "everyone loved you" comments to "you flirted with everyone and made them uncomfortable"....

I have not responded.

Nor do I intend to.


I should have known that he'd find some way to make me feel like crap regardless of whether it was justified.

I am hurt that he has most likely told all our mutual friends and his new friends his believed (and elaborated) version of the story and now they all have a bad view of me....


I am realizing that I cant win with him.

Something is always gonna be wrong with me and I will never do anything right.

I refuse to be manipulated, belittled, or abused any longer.


I am going to miss my Ollydog :(

Going Through the Motions

Things have been just blah busy lately.


I work.

I babysit.

I run.

I sleep.


And thats about it.



I have been really trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and Im just hitting dead ends. I really feel like God is leading me to dead ends because Im not waiting for HIM to tell me what I should do- Im going out looking instead. Its just so hard because I feel like I HAVE BEEN WAITING and yet I am still no closer to knowing what I want to do than I was 6 months ago. I am 23 years old and although I know that is young to some, I need to move in SOME forward direction sometime soon, dont you think??

I am reapplying to the Sonography program but havent done much to better my chances in terms of taking classes or anything so I am really not expecting much from going through the application process again. I take the entrance exam tomorrow and no, I have not studied one bit. I studied my booty off last time and still didnt get in so why would I waste my time this time? Luckily, the test works similar to the SAT and they will combine my best scores from different testing sections to get me the most points possible when applying. Great news is that the university never got my final transcript that I sent them over 6 months ago so now I get to pay more money to have it sent again (insert sarcasm here).

The couple I nanny for came home one night a couple of weeks ago saying that they had met my husband. ha! They've known him casually for a while but always thought he was married. Apparantly when T found out he wasnt married, he immediately told the guy he should meet his "wonderful friend and babysitter." I laughed when T and R told me about this. I refuse to get my hopes up about this one since things like this just never seem to work out for me but I do trust that they have my best interest at heart when they say he's someone I should eventually meet. I havent met him yet but I guess we'll see.

Ive been trying to remain friendly with N over the past few months- going to see Olly, hanging out with mutual friends, picking them up from bars if needed and Im awake. On one hand, I can see that he is definitely changing for the better but on the other, I just still see the same old N that used to hurt me over and over and over again while we were together and even after we split. He is interested in possibly dating again in the future and right now, I am just not having that. He had his chance and Im not sure he deserves another no matter how much he has changed for the better.

Im so burned out on work. I just want to hang out with my little ones all the time instead. But thats how the money comes in-- a combination of babysitting and work and welp, thats what I have to do. No point complaining about it.

I havent been to my small group in probablly 6 weeks. I dread going because of one of the girls that comes every week who Ive grown up with. I think the simple fact that I dont even long for that fellowship tells me that its time to find a new small group. Now I just have to figure out how to tell my group that Im not going to be coming anymore. Fun times.

Im at 7 miles in my half marathon training schedule-- and man is it brutal to always have to find time to get the runs in. I actually havent ran in 4 days which is REALLy unusual for me. I may have to shift runs forward or backward in order to fit them into my schedule but I dont normally go days skipping runs. The weather and my work schedule just hasnt really worked out the last few days. Im nervous Ill die during my long run on Thurs/Friday if I dont run tomorrow but then again, I have NO idea when Id even get it in since I have to take that test and babysit tomorrow. YIKES--- What the heck am I going to do when I have to allot 2-3 hours to my runs towards the end. Im going to have to take time off work to make that happen haha!

Totally random post but thats what you may get for a while.

Ive been keeping up with you guys- dont worry! Im just lame and do the same thing every single day so I dont have anything interesting to write about. :)

What I deserve....

is nothing at all.



Thank you Mama Beaver for giving me this reminder! You hit the nail on the head!

Im still here!

I feel like I post something like this every few months when I know its starting to look like I fell off the face of the earth!!!

but


Im still here!

Im still training!

Im still working!

Im still babysitting!

Im still hoping for an epiphiny about what I should do with my life!

Im still waiting for the right God-Loving Man to find me :)

Im still trying to figure out what my little sister is thinking half the time when she does crazy things!

Im still so incredibly in love with my niece!!

Im still SO thankful that my parents are letting me live with them rent free while I save to buy a house in oh... lets say... like 5 years :)

Im still here!


:) Are you?!~

Changes

I have a feelings that changes are in my future.


not sure how.

or why.

but I feel it.



We'll see what happens.

2011

I cannot believe that it is already 2011! What happened to the past 365 days???!!! I have no idea! It all becomes just a blur from my last semester in college, to B and I breaking up, to moving home, to so much more--

I am so excited for a fresh start!


Bring it on 2011!