Overwhelmed

I have 4 kids overnight until the 5th (I started Wed night) and they have been absolutely awful the last couple days. Okay, I guess it could definitely be worse... but its been a bad last few days with them. I did not prepare myself for them being so disobedient because they usually aren't like this. Ahhhhhh!!!!!! Ive done a lot of praying for patience in the past 48 hours. I just hope that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is a new day!

On top of that, I gave my resume to a guy I babysit for so he could give it to his supervisor at PPD, which is basically a medical research company, and I didnt realize just how many people I know who work there or know someone who works there. Its been a blessing that everyone wants to help but its been really stressful to have to do so much research into the company this week while I have the kids as I try to figure out what position I would want to apply for.... so that the opportunities that everyone is trying to give doesnt pass me byyyy!

Although I dont exactly WANT to work there, I know it will be great financially to have a salary job instead of just babysitting and working at OmegaSports so I have been trying to look up positions.... I am really lucky that so many people want to help by giving my resume to their supervisors or giving me a heads up on job openings but the problem is.... Ive been looking at the available positions and I am totally miserable just looking and reading about them. I dont want to say that I dont want to work there because in all honesty, I dont know if I'd like it or not like it... I just hate the unknown of everything... :(


AHHHH ! I just want to scream!

Things could always been worse, I know but man, am I overwhelmed.

:(

wow, this is the most off the wall, random post I think Ive ever written. Sorry if it doesnt make sense.

I miss him.

Every time I tell someone, “I'm good,” I cringe… because I'm not good... at least not all the time... but I cant say that. It's been 3 months... I cant say that I'm not good.

Most days I can push him away and move forward telling myself what I have to in order to get by.

On good days, I accept that and do what I have to do.

On bad days, its not that easy.

On bad days, I struggle because missing him isnt just a state of feeling... its a state of being... an ache thats so deep that I can't remove it from my insides...

I miss him.

Even after all this time...

I miss him.

someone asked me if i missed you...
i didnt answer. i just closed my eyes
and walked away. then i whispered, "so much."

Book List thus far **UPDATE**

1. Vanishing Act (Jodi Picoult)
2. The Art of Racing in the Rain (Garth Stein)
3. The Longest Trip Home (John Grogan)
4. Love the One You're With (Emily Giffin)
5. The Weight of Silence (Heather Gudenkauf)

**UPDATE**
Sorry guys! I totally should have clarified! These are the books I've read this summer so far, now with a little blurb about what I thought about each!

1) I ABSOLUTLY love Jodi Picoult- I have NEVER read one of her books and not liked it so if you are looking for good reads, always go with her! You wont want to put it down! I have a whole stack of her books on my bookshelf because they are THAT GOOD that you want to keep them in your library!

2) REALLY REALLY GOOD! I totally would stay up into all hours of the night because every chapter left you wanting to read more! Good pick!

3) This is by the same author that wrote "Marley & Me" (which is PHENOMENAL if you havent read it!). Its a little slow but funny too. I would say out of all of these, this one took me the longest just because it didnt "catch" my attention like the rest did.

4) I almost think I liked this one so much because I happened to read it at the right time in my life. I felt like this book spoke to me and really nailed how Ive felt at certain points during the past year even though the story line had nothing to do with my life. However, even if I hadnt been in the position I'm in, I still think I would have really enjoyed it. This one will definitely be staying on my book shelf instead of being passed on to my grandma in Michigan (Im too worried I wont get it back haah)

5) SO GOOD! The chapters are really short and switches characters' perspectives with each one so its so hard to put down because you just want to know what really happened since you dont necessarily know from the previous characters' view. (RB! Im soo glad you liked this one, too! Any other book suggestions- My stack is getting low :) haha Also, What is GoodReads?? Ive never heard of it but I may be doing some research tonighhhhtttt)

I hope that you all will look into reading these books and always pass on your own suggestions as you read good ones--- I'm always looking for something good to get lost in ;) I think my tomorrow will consist of some unpacking and some much needed beach sitting and reading (if the heat doesnt kill me first!)

Vanishing Act

I read all the time in the summer because I finally have time to tackle the stack of books that have piled up throughout the year while I was reading textbooks instead. More times than not, I end up reading books that speak to me in one way or another and every once in a while, there are parts in books that explain exactly how I feel better than I could have ever put into words. Ive decided that I will post those quotes here as I find them because sometimes, I just cant find the words.

"I never stopped hoping you'd come home, but I did stop expecting it. Having your breath freeze up every time the doorbell chimes or the phone rings takes its toll on a person, and whether it's conscious or not, you eventually make the decision to divide your life in half- before and after- with loss being that tight bubble in the middle. You can move around in spite of it; you can laugh and smile and carry on with your life, but all it takes is one slow range of motion, a doubling over, to be fully aware of the empty space at your center."

Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult

Andddd it begins....

Its official. My car is a P.O.S. I drive a 2000 Saturn that I swear we've put more money into than we bought it for. I am so grateful that my parents got a car for me when I turned 16... but I hate that they've had to spend so much money on maintenance and repairs.

WELL... My AC went out Saturday... and of course of all the things that could go wrong.... it had to be the compressor.... Its going to be $1200 to fix it (maybe a little less if I find the part myself)... I talked to my parents and chose to not have it fixed today. So all in all, I spent $80 for them to tell me whats wrong with it.

Im not even sure that its worth it to fix it. I know I need a new car soon but I was just hoping to get another year or two out of it so I could put more money aside... I dont want my parents to pay to have the AC fixed because they know I dont have the money.... I also refuse to let them help me buy a car because they help me with so much already. I know that a lot of car lots have really good deals right now but I just dont know what to do. I hate to buy a car that I dont even like just because it's in the right price point but then again, I know that I dont have the ability to get what I want at this point in time.

UGHHHH!

And to top it all off, the weather is suppose to be in the 90's this week (heat index makes it feel like 100) with scattered storms (aka you cant drive with your windows open when it'd raining). This is so awesome.

Welcome back, Allison. Welcome back.

P.S. I told N that I thought it'd be better if we didn't communicate anymore because rverytime we do talk, we both get upset and end up fighting. I know we've said this a million times and its never stuck but I'm just so over it. He texted me last night with a really nasty message saying, "Just wanted to let you know that S and I broke up for good. So you can shove all your accusations about me being with her because I want something with her up ur a**. See ya." He's soo Classy.

I'm BaaaacccckkkkK!

I got back into town on the 15th, went to sleep, woke up, repacked, and am now at my school apartment packing up, working, and moving out until next Saturday. Total Whirlwind!!!

My trip was awesome! I am actually really really sad to be back to reality! haha! No surprise there!

I have so much to say but I know I cant cover it all so here's the jist of some stuff- ha!

• I have done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks and I think I am content with where I am right now. My only concern about not having a salary job or a school program is that I wont have Health Insurance (Heck, I dont even know if I have any now). BUTTTT Im hoping that the Obama health care deal thats going on now will make it to where my parents can still cover me til Im 26!! Lets keep our fingers crossed because I most definitely have enough babysitting interest in the next year to pay bills and save up money- the only issue is having insurance! If that works out, I'll have time to figure out where I'm supposed to be without making hasty decisions just because of health insurance!

• My friend leaves for the PeaceCorp Monday so I spent yesterday at High Rock Lake seeing her. Lucky for all of us, it POURED the whollleeee dayyy!.. But it was still really fun! THEN... On the way back home, we were almost back at my apartment when my friend realized that she left her purse at the lake house.... so I had to drive the 45 min BACK to get it and then turn around and drive BACK to my apartment again.... You'd think she'd give me gas money, right? Nope. People arent that smart.

• HELLOOOO!!! I AM GOING TO BE AN AUNT IN... LIKE A MONTH!!! OMGOSHHHH!! Look at this adorable face!!!

• I am most definitely going through "kid withdrawals" after spending 3 weeks with the kids. I woke up the morning after I came home and was really sad when I looked over and saw no baby :( I love those kids so much and even though the 3 weeks were hard at times, I still had a great time and cant wait for the end of the month when I have them overnight while their parents are on vacation! Ahhhhh! I cant even imagine how much people love their own kids if I love someone else's kids this much! haha!

• I went into Omega yesterday to pick up some things (where I work at school) and I see two new workers- a guy and a girl. I was totally pissed at first because theyve hired so many people over the past 3 months that the rest of us are losing hours.... then I realized that this is my last week anyways so I cant be mad- haha! Anywayssss.... both of them looked really young so I just assumed that they were both still in highschool or lower college. HOWEVER, I did notice immediately when I walked in that the guy was realllyyyy good looking and I totally felt guilty that I thought this highschooler was "hot!" hahaah! I got a chance to talk to him before I left and realized HES NOT IN HIGHSCHOOL! He's 26 years old!! I had to laugh to myself because he seemed really nice and was really easy to talk to.... thats my luck- haha!... A hot guy finally starts working at my job... THE WEEK THAT I MOVE AWAY! HAHAHA! I know Im not ready for a relationship of any sort but I still thought it was funny!

• The AC in my car went out yesterday.... go figure... Ive been gone for 3 weeks and my car has been in the shop the whole time getting worked on and they somehow didn't catch that my air conditioning is jacked up! Fun times!
  

• N and I have already gotten in a fight since Ive been back! HA! I had a few text messages from him when I got back so I texted him to thank him for thinking of me and then of course the texts led to a phone call and like always... we ended up fighting. At this point, I just have to laugh because it's a ridiculous friendship we got going on here.
  

• I realized very very soon after getting back that I was never gonna have time to update myself on EVERYONE'S blogs for the last three weeks all at one time... so I'm trying!! Little by little, I'm going back and catching up on all of you guys' lives!! Bear with me!

I'll try to post soon! I didnt take many pictures on the trip because they had their nice camera and said they would make me a cd with all the pics so I need to get those and then tell you all about my trip!!!!!! :)

As I sit reflecting on all that has happened in the past year of my life... I am reminded of why I started this blog in the first place.

I am...

Just a girl living each day by the grace of God

while He heals her broken heart.

I am imperfect.
I am broken.
I am learning.
and I am healing.

End of story.

I started this blog because I needed a place where I could be completely honest with myself. A place to say anything and everything I wanted.

I started this blog not to gain an audience of ladies who could help walk me through hard times.

No, believe it or not, I did not. I started this blog as a journal.

As a place where I could let out my feelings and reveal some of the deepest struggles that I am facing.

I started this blog as a way to talk to God... however I saw fit that day... whether through prayer... a song... a story....

To tell you the truth, I never thought that anyone would ever read this and that it would JUST BE me and God.

But I am thankful for each one of you.

I cannot do this on my own.

I do believe that God sent you guys to me for a reason.

So I am going to keep writing... even when I dont want to...

because in the end.... this is MY story...

and it always will be.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

-Psalm 51:10

In the midst of chaos...

I want to remember that....

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

be kind anyway.

If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies;

succeed anyway.

If you are honest people may cheat you;

be honest anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough...

give the world the best you have anyway

You see, in the final analysis,
it's all between you and God...

it was never between you and them anyways

-Mother Teresa

My One Word

My church does something every year called, "My One Word."

The idea is built from the idea that every New Year, so many people hope that this will finally be the year that things will change! We all make promises about the new person we're going to become, pledging to get a grip on our finances, get in shape, become a better parent, spouse, even a nicer human being! But there’s one problem: our resolutions seldom work. The busy pace of life gets the better of us, and suddenly, the year is over with little to no personal growth having occurred in our lives.

“My One Word” is an experiment designed to people move beyond the past and look ahead. The challenge is simple: lose the long list of changes you want to make this year and instead pick ONE WORD. This process provides clarity by taking all of your big plans for life change and narrowing them down into a single thing. One word focuses on your character and creates a vision for your future.


In previous years, I always chose a word and then forgot about it after a couple months... so this year, with everything going on, I figured... "whats the use?"... Until about 2 days ago.

I felt like God was gently reminding me that I needed a word to live my life by... in the midst of all the chaos I've experienced in the past 15 months.

Finally, it came to me. MY one word. (Yes, I know that it is July and I am 6 months late picking a word but whatever, better late than never)

My one word is

"Wait"

Instead of trying to make sense out of everything...

Instead of trying to fix everything...

Instead of trying to plan out my own life....

Instead of trying to make my own decisions...

Instead of trying to do things alone....

I. will. wait.

I will wait on the Lord to show me the way I am supposed to go.

I will wait on the Lord to open doors that I never expected.

I will wait on the Lord to show me my future career.

I will wait on the Lord to heal my heart.


I will wait on the Lord.