Letters to Blake

During the time between Blake and I breaking up and the last time we met, I wrote him letters. For weeks after he ended things, I would find myself wanting to tell him things but knew that i couldnt.... so I just wrote them down. I did not write them with the intention to EVER let him read them. They were totally uncensored; totally raw; totally real. I wrote each of them and immediately put them in envelopes and put them away. It was my way to get the things I needed to say to him out without really having to tell him.

I woke up the morning that we would meet last with an overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to give the letters to Blake. I fought that feeling for hours before I finally gathered all the envelopes, numbered them by date, bound them with a rubberband, and put them in Blake's bag of things.

Those letters explained everything... from how I felt about him... to how I felt cheated... to how angry I was.... to how hurt I was... to how I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I reluctantly handed over that bag that day knowing that what was in those letters wouldn't even matter. I still gave them to him, anyways.

Last we talked... (the day he told me he was marrying C)... he told me that he couldn't read my letters. He said that he read the first one and then had to stop. That broke me. Even though I didn't write them with the intention of him ever reading them... it took a lot of me to give him the opportunity. I completely laid myself out before him in those letters and he chose not to read them. Those letters contained everything I ever wanted to say to him during those weeks. How could he have them and not read them?? I told him that I needed him to read them and he said he would try....

To this day, I don't know if he ever read the other letters. I want to say he didnt... because he is now engaged to C... but I will always wonder whether he did... and it just didn't make a difference.... that it didn't matter that I poured my heart and soul out to him.

I'll never know.