Our God.

Our God has plans and purposes that are far beyond our understanding.

Sometimes those plans and purposes break our hearts.

Sometimes they require sacrifices we never agreed to make.

Sometimes they stop us dead in our tracks,
turn us upside down, inside out, and paralyze us with pain.

But His comfort is not far behind.

And as we climb up into His lap and weep into His chest,
He whispers in our ear,

"Shhh. It's okay. I did it for a reason, and some day I'll tell you what it is."

RV Schedule

Here is our tentative schedule for the trip:

6/27 Drive from NC to VA

6/28 Water Country USA

6/29 Drive to Hershey, Pa.

6/30 Hershey Park

7/1 visit Amish country

7/2 Sesame Place, drive to Long
Island

7/3-7/4 Long Island

7/5 Cross Long Island sound ti Connecticut & then drive to N. Truro, Mass.

7/6 Whale watching

7/7 drive to Plymouth, Mass.
Visit Mayflower ship

7/8-7/9 Niagara Falls

7/10 drive to Pittsburgh

7/11-7/12 indoor water park, visit with family (their family, not mine)

7/13 Waynesboro, PA

7/14 drive home to NC

What I've been missing...

Is it time yet?

I need to get away. Seriously. Im ready to get in that RV and just go... to shut off all communication with the outside world (ie cell phone/computer) and just take a few weeks to let everything sink in before I have to deal with reality and decide what to do next.

I will most likely not be able to blog during the 3 weeks that we are traveling (June 27-July 15) but I have scheduled a few posts here and there that Ive been working on. I will try to post if I get a chance and if not, I will have weeks worth of posts when I get back.

Heres to hoping that this trip is exactly what I need right now.

I didnt get into the Sonography Program.

Fact:

Life doesn't make sense.

Most of the time, I walk through life completely confused as to why things turn out the way they do. I am realizing more and more that a lot of bad things happen... even when people don't deserve it. Life isn't a guarantee and neither is happiness.

There is no "rock bottom"

You know that saying,

"Sooner or later, you'll hit rock bottom and then you'll have no where to go but up??"

It's not true. There is no rock bottom. It's just a bottomless pit. Things can ALWAYS get worse than they already are.

He is never coming back

He is engaged to be married to someone who is not me. The gut feeling that he would become my husband one day was obviously wrong. Even though I know and accept these things, it still hurts and it's still hard. Every day is a challenge. I can't help that he still has my heart. I cant help that I think about him every single day. I can't help that my heart breaks every time I remember that this is it, I've lost him.

"Seeming" isn't "being"

Just because I "seem" okay does not mean I am okay. Ive just found that it's easier to hide the pain than it is to try to explain things that others will never understand. Every day is a struggle and most of the time, I cry myself to sleep at night because I've worked so hard all day long to hide the fact that I am still hurting... and I just cant hold it in any longer.

I will be okay.

It doesn't feel like it right now but I have to believe that I'll get there eventually.

God is good.

I do not understand it now but I have to believe that God is good and that he is using my misery to make melodies.

He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
- Psalm 147:3

I need to vent.

I haven't blogged about this yet because I SERIOUSLY NEVER THOUGHT that I'd still be dealing with it now! Welp, I am- so here it is.

Back in March, I registered to run a 5k in April to benefit YoungLife in the triad (no, I didnt even end up running it because of everything going on with B & I but whatever)

Part of our "perks" for running the race was that we got three FREE months of THREE magazines of our choice.

I chose Pe.opl.e, Wom.ens Run.ni.ng, and Sh.ap.e! (Duh! They are the 3 best ones!)

Anyways....

about a month after registering, I see a $56.00 membership charge to my account for Active.com (the company that we registered for the race through)

NO, I did not authorize this charge and NO, I did not ever agree to a membership but I figured it was a mess up and so I calmly contacted the company and they reimbursed me for the $56.00.

Jump forward another 2 months... and I find a $20 charge for Wo.me.n's Ru.nni.ng on my account....

I am TOTALLY surprised as I did not authorize this payment either.

Once again... I inconveniently contact the magazine and they eventually reimburse me for this assumed magazine subscription.

THEN.... a few days later.....

I find ANOTHER charge... this time it's $21.oo for Sha.pe Magazine.

ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEEEEEEEEE?????!!

I realize now that they are using my SECURE payment information from Active.com and CHARGING MY DANG CARD to RENEW my subscriptions when the three free months run out.

WHO THE HECK THOUGHT THAT WAS OKAY??!

Never at any moment did I agree to a continuation of these subscriptions.

I contact Sh.ape and get that all cleared... thinking that Im good to go now.... although quite annoyed.

NOPE.

I forgot about Pe.op.le Mag.azine....

This morning I find a $117.00 charge to my debit account from Peo.ple Mag.azine!!!!

I am soooooooooooo mad!

What if I had over-drafted because they took this charge out of my account without my knowledge???

Im pissed and lucky for People Magazine, It's Sunday and there is no one to answer my phone call. I got online and canceled my subscription and now I have to wait until they put the money back into my account...

I am so annoyed that I have to be $117.00 in the hole for up to a week because they thought it would be okay to charge me for something I didnt ask for!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!





On a better note, the baby shower went GREAT yesterday! I will post pictures soon!

The Truth.

I think about him all the time.

I have to constantly push thoughts of him out of my mind.

I am haunted by him.

Everything I do, I wonder what it'd be like to have him there.

I fight back tears when I realize that all I thought I'd have, I wont.

I know I may never see him again.

I know he didn't choose me.

I know that it wasn't up to me.

I never thought things would turn out this way.

My heart just hurts.

Letters to Blake

During the time between Blake and I breaking up and the last time we met, I wrote him letters. For weeks after he ended things, I would find myself wanting to tell him things but knew that i couldnt.... so I just wrote them down. I did not write them with the intention to EVER let him read them. They were totally uncensored; totally raw; totally real. I wrote each of them and immediately put them in envelopes and put them away. It was my way to get the things I needed to say to him out without really having to tell him.

I woke up the morning that we would meet last with an overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to give the letters to Blake. I fought that feeling for hours before I finally gathered all the envelopes, numbered them by date, bound them with a rubberband, and put them in Blake's bag of things.

Those letters explained everything... from how I felt about him... to how I felt cheated... to how angry I was.... to how hurt I was... to how I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I reluctantly handed over that bag that day knowing that what was in those letters wouldn't even matter. I still gave them to him, anyways.

Last we talked... (the day he told me he was marrying C)... he told me that he couldn't read my letters. He said that he read the first one and then had to stop. That broke me. Even though I didn't write them with the intention of him ever reading them... it took a lot of me to give him the opportunity. I completely laid myself out before him in those letters and he chose not to read them. Those letters contained everything I ever wanted to say to him during those weeks. How could he have them and not read them?? I told him that I needed him to read them and he said he would try....

To this day, I don't know if he ever read the other letters. I want to say he didnt... because he is now engaged to C... but I will always wonder whether he did... and it just didn't make a difference.... that it didn't matter that I poured my heart and soul out to him.

I'll never know.

Diaper Cake

I'm in the process of getting everything together for my older sister's baby shower on Saturday. Man, is it stressful and EXPENSIVE but I cant wait to celebrate this baby girl with her!

Oh Lord, help me

I need a vacation. Maybe a permanent relocation.

Here's life.

• Went to see Jason Aldean/Brooks & Dunn in Charlotte on Friday night. Show was amazing- traffic was awful - it poured on us - I hate drunk people - and the drama of trying to merge two groups of friends at one function is definitely NOT worth it.
• I'm still stressed even though I'm graduated. That cant be normal.
  
• My good friend, Brad, decided to tell me he wants to be with me yesterday and got mad when I said I didn't feel the same way. He said that I am pathetic for loving someone who is engaged to someone else and that I live in a fantasy world. Seriously? Last time I checked, you don't get to choose who you love and you also cant control what other people do. I'm grieving Blake but I'm not letting my life pass me by because of what happened. I am living like there is no tomorrow... I just miss Blake while I'm doing it. Brad told me he doesn't want to see or speak to me ever again. Cheers to good friends....
  
• I deactivated my fac.ebo.ok account. I just cant handle it anymore. No, Blake does not have a fb, but everyone else does. Its been a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders even though I thought it'd be stressful. It was supposed to be temporary but I think it's going to be permanent.
• I go in on Wednesday for my FINAL POINT CONSULTATION for the Sonography Program- This is the last step before finding out whether I got into the program or not. I thought Id be freaking out...but Im not. I dont have the energy to freak out.
• My friend is going into the PeaceCorp in July and although I am really proud of her, I am really worried about her too. I am hanging out with her after work tonight.
  
• N asked me to meet up with him last time I was home, I agreed and was then bailed out on twice. He "had to work late" one night and "forgot that I was leaving town" the second time. I told him that I cant play this game anymore and that I will not be contacting him again. I haven't heard anything from him. I think its safe to say I will never see Ollydog again.
  
• I am going to travel the East Coast in an RV with a family that I babysit for from June 27th-July 10. Their kids are 6 yrs (girl), 4 years (boy), 2 years (boy), and 3 months (girl) so it'll be interesting, I'm sure! I feel like this is what I need right now- Hop in an RV and turn off my phone for two weeks and just travel... for free for that matter... and with a paycheck at the end....I couldn't really pass up the offer. Any ideas on "family friendly" places to stop?? We're starting in North Carolina and heading up.
  
• I have been planning to go to church all week (I'm at my apartment at school this week working) because I know I need the fellowship and I'm pretty sure this is the weekend Blake is in Vegas for his friend's Bachelor Party (That way I wouldn't have to worry that he'd be there). I got up and got completely ready and then didn't go. I'm too worried I'm wrong about the dates and I'll see B. Right now, I cant handle that.
• I know Ive been really MIA lately and I'm sorry. I'm seriously just trying to get my bearing again. I have been still reading your blogs even though I'm not commenting. I have a lot of things I want to talk about so I'm gonna work on those posts over the next week or so.

Meanwhile, Lord Jesus, Help me.

Better than a Hallelujah

I have no Hallelujahs left.

but I think that is okay.

"We pour out our miseries.
God just hears a melody.
Beautiful, the mess we are.
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah"