The story

So, not sure if anyone still reads this thing but figured if anyone was, they might want to know what happened Friday.

Thursday night, boy and I hung out and for some reason it was incredibly awkward.  All I wanted to do was get out of there... idk why.  He seemed on edge so it put me on edge and by the time he tried to kiss me goodbye, it was so uncomfortable that I didnt even know what to do.

Friday, I woke up like any other day.  No "Im going to break up with boy today" thoughts or anything outside of my usual reservations and concerns.  As the day progressed, I became more and anxious and uneasy and couldnt put my foot on what it was.  It was like the Lord was trying to tell me something but my mind was so busy and loud with thoughts about boy and the night before that I couldnt even hear His message.

By the time I got home that night, I was almost to the point of tears because I knew God was making me uneasy for a reason but I didnt know if it was boy or something else. 

My brother was in town briefly and came to visit.  We ended up talking about the whole boy situation.  He was so great just listening to me and letting me say what was on my mind.  He didnt say much during our conversation.  It was more just me needing to reason it all outloud.

By the time he left I knew what I needed to do. :(


Never have I ever been 100% sure that I was supposed to be with boy.

Like I have said before, he is so awesome and he is everything I would ever want in a husband but there was always something missing between us.... something I couldnt put my finger on.... but that missing piece always left me confused and concerned and scared- unable to move forward with him.

You cant marry someone you dont connect with, right?

There were things all along that made me feel like everything was perfect, except for the fact that there was no spark....

When boy put his hand gently on my leg, I felt nothing.

When he kissed me....?  Nothing.

When he would wrap his arms around me to hug me goodbye?

Nothing.

No butterflies.

No giddyness.

Nothing.

If I saw him, it was great.

but...

if I didnt see him, it wouldnt ruin my day or make me sad.



Seriously, when I say this boy seemed "perfect" for me, I am not overexaggerating.

The way he responds to me is amazing.

The way he listens to me is astounding.

The way he looks at ME and not through me is reassuring.

The way he is everything I am not, makes me feel understood.

Its like he fits me easily.

But I could never get us to that next level emotionally.

I prayed for weeks that the spark would find its way to us and that I wouldnt have to walk away from a guy that I really really liked.  It never happened and I have to be logical in the situation. 

I knew I didnt want to lead him on or hurt him in any way.

So I told him how I felt.  He agreed that if I wasnt sure now after all this time, then It probably wasnt right.  He knew that he couldnt make things any different than they were and neither could I.

I feel selfish in ways.

I feel guilty.

I feel hurt.

I feel sad.

I feel angry.

The worst part?  His best friend is getting married 12 hours away on Friday (21st) and we were supposed to go together.  Obviously I will not be accompanying him anymore and it makes me feel like crap.

Sometimes the right thing to do is not always the easiest.

I am very much at peace with my decision.  I know I did the right thing.  I realized that the Lord did not intend for me to ever walk down the aisle with boy.  Unfortunately. 

I am going to choose to be grateful in this matter.

Grateful that the Lord loves me enough to lay conviction on my heart and mind even when I am trying to do things my own way.  I am grateful that he is making me walk away before anyone gets really really hurt.  Before I have a ring on my finger from the wrong man.   And before I have children whom I have to drag through a divorce.

I will choose to be grateful today.

And tomorrow.

And every single day until the Lord reveals his perfect plan for my life.




*****(Boy and I have had numerous conversations about my reservations so he knew EXACTLY how I felt and knew all about my reservations and concerns.  He was NOT in the dark here.  He was not blindsighted when we finally had the "break up" conversation. He knew there was a possibility that our issues would not work themselves out and that we could very well find ourselves in this place.)

I ended things with boy last night.


I know I did the right thing.



But I still feel like crap.

Baby Elle!

I am STOKED to announce that J and G's daughter was born yesterday!!  SO EXCITED FOR THEM!  Send some prayers their way as they wait for TPR to be signed!!! I cant wait to see her beautiful little face!!!!!!  Love ya J!



**** Melissa, for some reason blogger wont let me comment on your blog- ugh! But thank you for the comment! I love this quote so much and am glad that it connected our blogs! Nice to "meet" you! I look forward to following along! :)

Oh Boy

Ive had reservations about boy from the beginning. (as you can tell from me taking my month long break) but something has always kept me feeling like I should give this one a chance.

We had a huge issue 4th of July weekend about him setting expectations and then being disappointed when they didnt happen.  To make the story short, he was being a needy little girl and if you cant tell, I dont deal with crap like that.

The Tuesday after the 4th, we talked about the issue over the weekend and decided to take a few days to process before talking again.

We finally spoke on Saturday night-  by that time I was so annoyed and over the situation, that I walked into it with the intention to just tell him this was way too hard and how could we expect this to ever work if we are having issues like this already.

but

the Lord really redeemed us during our talk.

I literally dropped all my reservations and doubts in his lap (very bluntly, might I add....) expecting him to have the typical guy response.....

he most definitely did not respond the way I expected.

He was so understanding and mature when it came to what we needed to do to gain clarity in the relationship.

Ladies,  this man is awesome.  He loves the Lord so so much and it radiates off of him with everything he does.  All I know is that no one is perfect and I needed this discussion to happen in order to knock him off that pedestal in my mind.  (I almost felt like he was too perfect for me before).

I know Im being very vague but I am just over talking about it and want to move forward.

I have no idea what the Lord has in store for boy and I but I do know that he is clearly telling me to trust HIM and wait it out.

We are going to his hometown in Ohio at the end of the month for his friends' wedding.  I do think that the trip will give us a better idea of whether we see this working out or not.

I do really like him... he is everything I would ever want in my husband and the father of my children.  My reservation lies in whether there is THAT connection... that spark... that a marriage needs to last.

Am I attracted to him?

yes.

Is he awesome?

yes.

Does he love the Lord?

yes.

Is he established with a job and home?

yes.

Does any of this matter if that connection isnt there?

nope.

I have really separated  eliminated the physical aspect of this relationship for the main reason that I have had physical relationships in the past with I do not want to fall into that trap again.

I want Christ to be the center and I want our relationship to be led by truth, not feelings or physical encounters.

I think that somewhere along the way, I forgot to add the physical part back in (boundaries are already in place, yes) and now I just have this fear in it becoming part of our relationship.  Im not sure why but I am....  I guess its something I need to give over to God.

The way he responds to me is unlike anything Ive ever experienced.  He gets me when I feel like no one else does.  He listens to me and really seems to genuinely care about what I think.  He is gentle. Respectful. Yet bold, too.  He is calm when I am panicked. He is quiet when I am loud.  He is understanding when I am judgemental. 

I see such a potential.  Yet sometimes I dont.  Im not sure if fear is keeping me from seeing this as something that could work or if this is really not meant to be. 

Oh Boyyyyyy!


I guess only time will tell.   Until that time when I know, I am just going to try to keep trusting that the Lord's plan for me is great and he will bring it to full completion in HIS time.

I read this over on J's blog (LOVE her!) and absolutely LOVE this quote so I wanted to share it with you!

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her."

— Maya Angelou

 

 

This is exactly what I want for myself.  A man who loves the Lord enough that he seeks Him in order to seek me.  How incredibly breathtaking to think of a life where your husband seeks your heart in your Heavenly Father?  I pray that I will be blessed with a man like that one day.

Love

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before."

Oh goodness

Ive had the kids overnight since Sunday. 

Its been completely nuts.


They all have swimmers ear or ear infections so we've been limited as to what we can do.  No swimming in their brand new pool in the backyard.... big bummer.... and makes it tough to give them an outlet for their EXCESSIVE energy.

Im tired.


Ear infections

+

disobedient, tired children

+

sick baby (running nose, vomiting, fever)

+

100 degree weather

=

not a fun week.



I love these kids more than you'd ever understand but man, have they been out of whack this week.


I need a nap.

meeting with boy

meeting with boy went really good today!

We were able to address some things we didnt address before our "split," talk about the past month and talk about what we want to see happen in the future. 

I feel like we are on the same page which feels really good.

I have no idea what God has in store but Im going to keep asking him to show me.

one month later

I am hanging out with boy tomorrow


after one month of no phone talking

or seeing one another



Im ready



I think :\


:)

flu

• My baby sister graduated highschool officially on Saturday (she finished classes in January and walked with the rest of the 2011 graduates this past weekend)
• Took my first semi roadtrip in my new car yesterday and Oh Man is gas expensive... and it goes way faster in the newby than in my little saturn.
• I have had some time to think about Boy (Im too blah to link it so scroll down if you dont know what Im talking about) and I'll update you guys soon.
• I have the flu so thats all you get.

Now Im going to hug the toilet.

bleh.

Seriously

I cant handle blogger this way.




and Im totally seeing that its just me! UGHHHH

what is up with blogger?

it wont let me post anything from the "New Post" screen.

I have to save the post to my drafts and then go into "Edit Posts," check the post I want to publish, and then select "publish selected." Then when it actually publishes, its all bunched together and looks nothing like the format I wrote it in.

HELP!

Sonography

I wont be attending the Sonography program in the fall.

Accepted alternates have already been contacted.

Well, thats settled.

Sometimes I feel like every step I take forward...

is matched with two steps back.

anyone else ever feel this way?

I walked away

I have demons that I chose not to face.

Demons that are the result of the past 2 years of heartache.

Demons that I've shoved in the closet

as I pretended my life with just fine,

when in actuality,

I was so lost.



I cant heal until I face my demons.

Feelings of inadequecy.

Unworth.

Confusion,

Not knowing what it is I want.

Because I cant even trust my own gut.

I did before.

And I got burned anyway.



Fighting those demons is going to take time.

And until I feel that I am right with the Lord

I will never be ready to give myself to someone else.



I was shattered.

Broken into a million different pieces

over these past two plus years.

and God is still working on piecing me back together.

I dont want to give pieces of me to someone.

I want to give them the whole.

For this reason

I have decided to take a step back from boy

and focus on fighting my demons,

forgiving myself

and listening to what it is God wants me to know.

Because boy deserves more than I can give him right now.

and it sucks.


I am trusting that everything is going to work out how it is supposed to....

regardless of the things I have to do right now for me...

so

I walked away.


{for now}

Alternate

I got alternate for the sonography program which pisses me off and makes me excited all at the same time.

Pissed because this waiting game- the one that has my life on hold- is continuing...

I have so many ?s.
What number alternate am I?
When will I know?
If I am offered a position, then how do I know whether Im supposed to take it or not?

Excited because this could be a great opportunity and career!

I have some phone calls to make and a lot of praying to do!

New

Life has been nuts the past couple weeks! I don't have time to go into it all but I will tell you that there are a lot of "new" things in my life.... new mindsets, new approaches, new promises, new goals, new books, new HOPE!.... :)


I'll get into all that later, but for now I'll just share a couple of NEW things that I have gotten in the past two weeks!

For my little sister's 18th birthday, we both got matching tattoos! Let me preface by saying that I was FREAKING OUT! BUT I didn't let anyone know! :) I stayed cool, calm, and collected on the outside, while I was literally having a panic attack on the inside! We had originally decided on one idea and then revamped the idea literally hours before we had the tattoos done and that was scary for me! In the end, (and after like 8 hours of waiting in a tattoo parlor with HILARIOUS people) we decided on this:

One thing I will always remember about being little is how much it meant to me when my mom would leave me little notes or write me letters. In most of these letters, she always signed them.... "More than you'll ever know." That statement has been a source or comfort, affection, and promise over the years and it just warms my heart thinking about my mom looking at me, craziness and all, knowing that she will always love me more than I'll ever know. I LOVE how the tattoo came out and even though it itches like crazy as it heals, I am really happy that I went through with it!

Next, on the NEW list is THIS BABY!

My brand new 2011 Hyundai Sante Fe Limited!

I have been driving my POS car for 8 years now and it is getting to be a little dangerous with the transmission issues, sticky gas pedal, and a dozen other little quirks. I finally decided Id had enough and started looking at SUVs. I originally wanted to wait until July/August in hope that I'd find an awesome deal on a 2011 as they made room for the new 2012 models but I loved this SUV and the price was right (after some negotiating) so I decided to go with it! I LOVEEEEE IT!!! Now, I will say, I am scared to death to drive right now because I'm so afraid someone is going to hit me but I LOVEEEE ITTTT! Have I mentioned that I LOVEEE IT??? :) I'll post more about it later!

So there you have it!

I promise, I'll post more soon!

I have an update on Boy, school, etc so get excited!

HAHA

Or not

my life isnt really that exciting :)

No Vacay...

My friend's PTO days were not approved.

No vacation.

Im gonna cry.

OHHHH Update

Hellloooooo!

I didn't want to leave you hanging much longer so here are bullet points about the past weeks of non blogging time!

• I finished the application process for this years admissions to the Sonography program and should find out within the next couple weeks. I'm pretty torn on this one. I really don't think I will get in but if I do, I feel obligated to attend. I'm not quite sure its what I wanna do but I'll cross that road when I come to it aka IF I get accepted into the program. Good thing about not being sure is that there is a lot less pressure about the outcome of my point count.






• I am currently in the process of booking an ALL INCLUSIVE VACATION for the end of June with one of my best friends! I am SOOOO excited and am proud of myself for finally taking the vacation I deserve after working 50+ hours/wk for the past year! I'm getting a little irritated by how laid back my friend is being about getting her passport and taking her PTO days at work because if she screws this up for me, I'm gonna have to open a can of whoop ass! :) I know she wants to go, but she is just so used to people doing everything for her that she's just sitting around waiting for me to take care of it. Dumb Dumb, have fun trying to make it in the real world without mommy and daddy. :)






• My transmission is jacked in my car. It wont consistently shift into reverse from park or drive. It's lurching into reverse and literally sends me flying backwards 30-40% of the time. This means I am in the market for a new car! Scary but exciting! I am going to drive this one until it literally stops in the middle of the road and I have to have it towed :) But meanwhile, I am going to be casually searching for midsized SUVs. Any suggestions??!! I LOVE my Mom's Hyundai Sante Fe and have also been looking into Highlanders and Pilots too but am open to anything anyone has had good luck with. Its really scary to think about signing a paper that promises I will pay lots of money every month but I've crunched numbers and know I can do it with my income. I am not sure whether Id like to buy New or Used so suggestions on that are welcome too. I do not like the idea of a new car depreciating SOOO much the moment you drive it off the lot but I do like the idea of a full warranty left on it. I know you can get warranties on used cars too so its just gonna take a lot of research before I make any decisions. Hopefully I'll get another 6 months out of this car but I'll never know until it happens.






• I met a boy! A GOOD, GODLY, RESPECTFUL, boy! One who is so good to me (maybe too good! Its been 6 weeks and you'd be so proud of me because I haven't even let him kiss me! I've been taking this one SLOOOWWWW (Maybe too slow but that's okay) but I feel like that's what I need! We've talked about everything under the sun... from our upbringing, family, marriage, kids, our pasts, futures, to our walk with the Lord! Its been refreshing but super scary because this is the first time in my life that I have made it very clear that Christ is going to be the center of the relationship or that there will be no relationship at all. I'm going to be honest, I'm not 100% sure I know exactly what that looks like but I definitely know what it does not look like. Right now, my only concern is that it is moving to fast for me (in the emotional aspect) because he is 29 and I know ready to pursue marriage and a family and I'm not sure I'm there yet... at least not with him. Only because I barely know him except for what Ive learned in the past 6 weeks and I do not believe you can know someone that soon. So far he is everything I would ever hope for in a husband but I don't know if the passion is there... and if it's not, I know it could never work. So I'm gonna keep taking things slow and keep communicating with him about how I'm feeling (obviously in a thoughtful manner) and first and foremost, keep praying for the Lord to show me what to do.






• I just spent a week in Disney with the family I nanny for and man am I glad to be back! :) We had a great time for sure but its tiring playing mommy all the time! haha! Don't get me wrong, I was very grateful for the vacation but any vacation with 4 young children really isn't a vacation at all! Especially after spending 13 hours squished between a 5 year old and a 7 year old in the back of a mini van! Oh Mickey, you totally don't have the effect on me that you used to! ;)






• I feel like every single girl Ive ever known is announcing their pregnancies! Which is weird all around for me regardless of whether they are married or single or whatever! We are WAY too young for this junk! Marriage! Babies! Houses! Okay, maybe not but COME ON PEOPLE! Stop reminding me that I'm behind on the "fall in love, get married, buy a house, have a baby" gig!
  
  
  
  

Alright, Greys Anatomy is calling my name on DVR so Ill have to update you more later!

Happy Easter!

I feel like Ive been gone foreverrrrrr! I have SO much to tell you!


Soon!


Very Soon!