Randoms

• why do people insist on driving like bats out of hell? Im scared for my life on a regular basis driving around this town.
• My boss is milking my last week of full shifts for what its worth.  Five closing shifts in a row is not fun to me.  But oh that 13.5 hours/3 shifts that I am scheduled for next week is going to be SO GLORIOUS!  So excited to finally have some downtime in 2012!
• I realized today after watching a very defiant, hard-headed, whine-y 3 year old that I should tell my mom thank you at least once a day for allowing me to live to adulthood... :)
• I feel confident that standing up for myself in the friend situation (see last post) was the right thing to do.  I am just weeding out the friends who dont really care so that I can focus more on the friends who really do 
• My running partner comes back from vacay tomorrow and I am so stoked to not have to run solo anymore!
• My niece has got to be the most amazing, loving, adorable 16 month old on the planet :)
• I am so grateful for all my parents do for me. They seriously are awesome.
• I love seeing God's crystal clear answers to certain prayers. What an awesome God I serve!
• I have New Years Eve off--- like ENTIRELY off! Wahoo! I was supposed to have kids overnight and then the NFL game their parents are going to got moved so now I have them January 1st-2nd. YES!
• I love you bloggy friends.  Even when I feel like I cant talk to anyone- I know I can talk to you and get supportive responses- so thank you!

friend

I wont get into the nitty gritty of the situation but I know a few of you have asked what happened regarding my last post.

A bunch of my friends and I closed out a bar in Greensboro to have our annual Christmas party a few weeks ago.  I am one of the few who does not live there or live in a close surrounding town. Because I live 3.5 hours away I had not seen most of these friends since labor day weekend and was super excited to see everyone.

Before I tell you what happened, you'll need some background information.

Friend, who I will call AS, has a very hard time not being the center of attention.

Due to the fact that I had not seen anyone for MONTHS, everyone was really excited when I got into town.  I could tell that AS was not happy that they were more excited to see me than her.  (I dont really understand this considering that she sees these people all the time but whatever).

AS is also very insecure. In herself and in all of her 4392073497 "serious" relationships that she has had since Ive known her.  She has lived with three different guys in three years and met this last guy on a dating site (she denies this).

(Let me say that I have absolutely NOTHING against people meeting on dating sites-- I am a firm believer that God has his hand in everything and if that is how God brings you together then it is no different than if you had met on the street or through a mutual friend or in school) What I dont like is that she lies to everyone about how they met including me (who is supposed to be her best friend.)

ANYWAYS-


The jist of what happened? 


Party started at 7pm so by 930 all of us were having a great time dancing, drinking, eating,  and catching up.  At one point her boyfriend, who was dressed in tacky christmas attire, jumped in the middle of the circle and started dancing.  Everyone gathered around him rooting him on.  SOMEHOW in all of this, I was accused by AS of GRABBING HER BOYFREINDS BUTT.


Seriously, people?


1) Never would I grab a friend's boyfriend's butt- or any guys' butt for that matter- in a bar.
2) She has never dated attractive guys so why would I feel inclined to grab a "not hot" booty?
3) Even if I did grab his butt, are you seriously so insecure that, in the midst of everyone dancing and joking around, you would get THAT mad about it?


I know I wouldnt have gotten that mad had the tables been turned.


But maybe thats because I am secure in who I am and because of the fact that I refuse to be with someone who I dont feel secure in after suffering through my breakups with N and Blake.


AS FREAKED out during this circle dance session-- I noticed her get mad and walk away so I followed her to the bathroom where she began cussing at me and throwing her fists up in her drunken state to tell me she didnt want to talk to me.  At one point she attempting to hit me out of rage. 

I chose to walk away at that point to let her cool down.


She refused to speak to me the entire night. Wouldn't tell me why she was mad.  Would not discuss what was going on or talk through it with me.

I chose to have a good time regardless of how she was acting because I knew she was toasted and that things would probably be fine the next day.

Yea, wrong.

She left the party without saying bye... didnt call me in the morning... didnt respond to any of my texts apologizing for making her upset and explaining that I did not grab his butt.

I did not hear from the girl for TEN DAYS.

YES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, T-E-N DAYS.

At which point I receive an email from her bashing me as a person and as a friend- an email that rehashed any and every major (and not major) thing I have every done in the past 5 years of our friendship.  Things that could have so simply been resolved had she just mentioned that it bothered her so that I could correct the sitation.

Nope,  She took sucker punches.  She addressed things that she knows I regret more than anything in life- telling me that I was an awful person for doing this and for doing that.  She said she couldn't believe I did certain things-- things that she very clearly supported at the time.

I read that email and concluded that I was in a lose lose situation.

If I respond, It would turn into a " well you did this..." and "well you did that" session.

If I didnt respond, she would psychotically think that I knew everything she had said was true and that I couldnt fight her on it.


So I chose not to respond until I cooled down, shed my tears, and got my head on straight.

During that time, I did not hear one thing from her.  However, I did get many texts from one of her friends (who is kind of mutually friends with me since we have spent some weekends at the beach together) berrating me for being such a terrible person and for not apologizing for what I did and how could I sleep at night being the person that I am.

Apparently we are in middle school.

This girl who texted me is 29 years old.  Yes, it's sad.


I did not respond to any of those messages.

I chose to email AS back and simply said,

"Seems you've made it very clear your opinion of me.  I am sorry you feel this way about our friendship.  I wish you the very best regardless.  -A"


I mean what else was I supposed to say?

I refuse to work this hard for a friendship.  This is not the first time she has blown up over something ridiculous.  We lived together for 3 years in college and it was always something with her. 

I am broken because I am losing her friendship but for the first time in a long time, I am going to stand up for myself and the respect I deserve and walk away from this one.  Someone who treats me this way is not a true friend and I need to be okay weeding those people out.

But I am still sad.

Today- I received more texts for the 29 year old girl.  It brought me to tears once again.  It's like I cant get away from this drama even when I try.

I am trying to be the mature one in this situation although it would be very easy to stoop to her level and respond to her email.  I could discount every single thing she bashed me for and then turn around and bash her x10 for the things she has done.

But I wont do that.

I have done my part.  I apologized and tried to contact her not only the night this happened but also multiple times after that.

Her email barely even addressed what happened at the Christmas party-- it was more about bringing up all the things Ive ever done wrong to prove why she was justified in her reaction.

I am not perfect-- I will never claim to be.

But I do try really hard to be a good friend. A good person. Who puts others first.


I am so exhausted.  I am tired of putting so much effort into people and friendships and then have things like this happen.

It makes me wonder what is wrong with me that these things seem to follow me.


ugh!

another one.

I feel like the past year has been a lot of me realizing that most of my friends are not my friends at all.

I chose to walk away from my friendship with Kelly because I didnt feel valued at all. Our flawed friendship created scars I realized I could overcome... considering that she didnt see (or care to see) that she was creating them..  I had to make a hard decision to walk away from something that was breaking me.  I haven't heard from her in 4 months. It sucks knowing that me silently walking away has not affected her at all.

Whats worse?

I think it's happening again.... just with someone else.


A friend I have always considered one of my best....

Why I considered her that is beyond me when I reflect on the past 4 years.



Im sad and exhausted and hurt and confused.

I want to tell you the whole story but my heart just cant handle anymore today.

I find myself asking, "What is wrong with ME?".... that people don't want to treat me how I feel like a friend should treat me?


It's sad that I have only a couple of IRL friends I feel I can truly trust.  I actually trust some of my bloggy friends more than some of my real friends.  I dont reach out to them or talk to them about these thing individually because I dont want to be a creeper. (Yeah, theres honesty for you.)

Its sad hat I feel closer to people I dont talk to on a regluar basis or know in real life than I do to people that are supposed to be my real life friends.

Im stuck in a lose lose situation and its tearing me apart.

Whats going on?

Ive been MIA again... I know.


Wanna know whats going on?  Well I dont have any time to explain so heres the run down.

1. My nanny family is moving in 4 days. Yes, I am freaking out.
2. Christmas is way expensive... like make me broke expensive... and it doesnt help that I have an amazing niece and I wanna buy her anything and everything in sight that I think will make her smile :)
3. I am no longer friends with my roommate from college.  She is officially psycho- as demonstrated after I drove 4 hours to hang out with her for the weekend and ended up hanging out alone most of the time because she is so insecure in herself and she and her boyfriends relationship that she chose to think only about herself and was connected to her hip neglecting me 99.9% of the time... not sure why Im suprised.
4. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few months-- ex: why I chose to walk away from Casey (fear of losing my independent woman status that I worked so hard for),  why I need to focus on me (working 7 days a week for 15 hours a day for 3 weeks will show you that), learning to recognize the friends who actually do care and choosing to focus on them rather than waste my time on the ones that dont.
5. I added in a new baby to my nanny crew yesterday. She is 8 weeks old and omgosh I love her! She is such a good baby!
6. I have scrapped my idea to run a marathon in February.  Im thinking that March is a better plan :)
7. Running when its cold.... in the dark... is not fun... at all

More later.  Im lame, I know.