Head Spinning

Went back up to where I went to school on Thursday with the plan to stay til Monday.

I came back Saturday morning instead.


Thought I could trust people.

Turns out I cant.


Was in the process of drawing up a business plan to start my own business.

Found two other agencies just like it already in my area.


I can see it in my moms eyes that somethings going on with her and my dad.

But she wont talk to me.


Am trying to maintain friendships that have been distanced over the years.

Seems the other parties dont care to.


Trying to figure out if I should pack up and move away.

But cant imagine leaving my family for a promise of nothing.


Getting so incredibly close to my half marathon

and am realizing I will be running alone.


My head is spinning

because life doesnt make sense.

CRRRAZZZZYYYY DAYS

I feel like Ive been running around like a chicken for the past week! I dont remember the last time I slept through the night and actually felt refreshed the next day. Between training, working, and babysitting, I am just soooo tired!!

I worked 15 hours on Saturday, another 8 yesterday and now I have my niece all day / night until I have to babysit in the morning.... followed by a run... and a 7 hour shift at work then a full day with the kids...

Im heading back to where I went to school on thursday but even a weekend that should be fun is starting to stress me out as I have NO idea when Im going to pack or get a long run in this week because Im traveling.

In addition, one of our main workers at Omega got a "big boy" job and starts on March 1st. Ive been asked if Id be willing to pick up some of the hours he'll be leaving behind. On one hand, Im stoked for the opportunity to make some extra money but on the other hand, Im dizzy just thinking about another 6-12 hours of work each week. I guess Ill see how it goes and go from there.

4 weeks til my half marathon! FREAKING out a little! :)

PS. Running with a stroller is SO much harder than running alone- even if you do have REALLY cute company! :)

Valentines Day

Valentines Day is one of those holidays thats great when you have someone but not so much when youre alone.

I had dinner with N Saturday (after his insistance.... even though I told him I didnt think it was a good idea) to discuss how I feel about our "situation." It didnt go so great. I made him agree beforehand that, no matter what, he'd conduct himself maturely, which he did but he was still not happy with the outcome despite my warning. He was expecting me to say that I wanted to eventually be with him again... it seemed that he wanted me to basically give him a list of things that needed to happen before Id agree to try again. WHAT THE? He wasnt very happy when I told him that I just didnt feel good about re-igniting something that Im very unsure about. (WHICH IVE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG!!)

So now I feel like a jerk for letting him take me to dinner even though I told him we shouldnt go to dinner... but do coffee or something..... I guess Vday was getting to him too and he was trying to salvage the crappy holiday.... ughhhhhh!

Then I got a text from him at midnight last night that said....

" Happy Valentines Day. Have fun... whoever you spend it with."


Really?


Are we 12 again that we have to send texts like that ?

Im really just over the whole thing. Ive made it very clear how I feel and STILL, he thinks my view is going to change.

Since when do the words coming out of my mouth NOT mean what I say??

Whatever.

Im going to take everyone's advice and even though its going to suck to not see Olly, just stop talking to N. If I post again about him, you have my permission to kick me! :)

On a good note, I get to spend this morning with my niece! She is awesome and I love the time I get with her!

AND its supposed to be 60 degrees today (but a little windy) so I think she and I will go for a run when she gets up from her nap! :)


Valentines Day, you suck!... but Im gonna make the best of it!

:) HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE!

bullets

• N hasnt contacted me since Sunday, which is good since I asked for space and time to think. I asked for time because I really didnt wanna deal with all that right now. I do need time. However, I havent been doing much thinking about that during this "time." I think I feel like I dont need to think about it because I know deep down what I need to do. Im just dreading having the conversation because I know it is going to create drama and I REALLY dont like drama. Eventually Im going to have to call him and let him know... cuz you know, its not very nice to just leave someone hanging like that.
• Im supposed to do a long run (9 miles) today. (Actually I was supposed to to do it yesterday but I had to work) but it's raining and 33 degrees outside. I guess I can just do it tomorrow... but that would mean Ive already taken three rest days this week and am gonna have to take another on Sunday because of my work schedule. I dont want to get into the habit of taking so many days off a week especially now that Im up to higher mileages. Ugh, U SUCK WEATHER.
• Somethings going on with my rents. I dont know what it is but things are just weird around the house lately. I tried to talk to my little sister about it but she refuses to talk about what shes noticing because then itd make it real. NEWS FLASH. Just because you ignore it doesnt mean its gonna go away.
• Theres a lot going on in my head right now but I am totally copping out and pushing it all to the back burner because I am just too exhausted to deal with all of it right now. Is that bad?

Update on N situation

I.

Am.

SO.

Over.

It.

N has now come back and tried to apologize and profess his love for me. Saying he really wants to give us another chance.

R U KIDDING ME?

You just FLIPPED out on me and told me you never wanted to see me again!

I dont feel good even considering giving him another chance.

His "Im sorry's" dont mean anything to me anymore and Ive made that very clear.

Our relationship was so hard on me and I never realized it until I was on the outside looking back.

I dont want to do that again.

EVER.



I have a problem with not wanting to hurt people so this is really hard for me.

I KNOW I dont want to marry N.

SO WHY AM I HESITATING TELLING HIM TO HIT THE ROAD?

I dont want to hurt him.

and I dont want to give up Olly.

Dont get me wrong. I have been VERY honest about how I dont feel that us being together is a good thing

but

I have also allowed myself to hang out with N and all our mutual friends a few times over the past month or so. I made the mistake of believing that he would believe the words coming out of my mouth when I said over and over that "We are not getting back together."

Clearly he isnt hearing me... or isnt believing me... or something.

I DONT KNOW.


AHHHHH!!

I know I should just break all communication and just accept that he is most likely going to keep Olly from me.

but Im being selfish and I dont want to give up Olly.

or hurt anyone.

Help me out here.