hard day times

This week has been really hard.

I've tried to stay busy... but its hard to want to stay busy.

I've filled my days with as much as possible... going from one thing to the next... not leaving much time to think... or worry.... or wonder....

but it never fails... thoughts of him always find a way to creep in....

so in response... I stuff more into my day.

It finally hit me today. I just couldn't stand to be around people anymore.

I was sitting at the pool with some girlfriends... and I just had to get out of there.

sigh.

This is not how I should be feeling during my last week of undergraduate studies... I should be really excited that graduation is so close but instead, I just feel numb. I went to the Honors Convocation to receive my Student Excellence Award last night. I was the only one there alone... the only one without parents or friends or a boyfriend there to sit in the audience and be proud of my accomplishments...

The hardest part is that I dont know what comes next. Blake made me not care that I wouldnt know about my program until June because HE was what I looked forward to- I couldnt wait to spend my days with him without the stresses of school. To be honest, it was the first time in my life when I didn't care one bit if I got into my program... I just felt like if I didnt, that God had other plans for B and I.

Now, I just have waiting.... and lots of time to myself... and no idea what will come next.... no plan B if I dont get in... no idea what I will do with my life. I hate to say it... but even in the short time Blake and I were together, he became more important to me than any program or degree or house or town or career. I didnt care what I did... as long as I was with him....