He took pieces of me.
Pieces I don't think Ill ever get back.
He made me different.
I sacrificed parts of myself...
to make him happy.
I was slowly dropping pieces of me...
and instead of taking them into his loving arms
he was dropping them by the wayside....
Locking them away.
Taking all the pieces of me he didnt like
and throwing them out so I would be
who he wanted me to be.
...It didnt work.
Even changing doesnt make people love you...
I didnt know I wasnt me anymore
until B came into my life...
and starting making me feel like...
me again...
Where I had holes... he placed little pieces of himself
and amazing pieces of our Savior
and filled me again...
is still filling me...
I am not healed....
Not yet....
I may never be....
but when Im with him....
my heart aches less
and my soul sings more
Life is beautiful again.
But....
the fear still sticks...
Even when its buried deep inside me
it still finds its way to the surface every once in a while.
Im afraid.
Scared that Blake will leave me.
That I will lose the one person
who makes me feel like me again...
If he changes the way he treats me even the slightest bit...
doesnt say "I love you"... or say "bye sweetie"
or doesnt take my hand when we walk down the sidewalk...
My heart jumps into my throat...
and knots form in the pit of my stomach...
I know that feeling...
I know it too well....
The feeling of uncertainty.
of insecurity.
of mistrust.
of fear.
What if this is all a huge joke and He isnt really meant to be my husband?
What if he decides he doesnt love me?
What if he walks away and never looks back??
Where will that leave me?
Broken.
Confused.
and Alone.
My heart cannot take anymore hurt.
I cannot give anymore pieces away...
if I do... there will be nothing left.
I am in love with a man who is amazing to me....
but still I live in fear that he wont choose me....
that once again, Ill spend my life fighting for a lost cause....
Im scared....
to love him this much.
Your feelings are totally NORMAL!!!
ReplyDeleteJust let it run its course! Do not live in fear because you till miss out on so much.
Allison, our God is NOT a God of fear. When you feel this way (which by the way is extremely common although I don't want to say normal) you need to give it to God. Immediately. The Bible says to "take every thought captive". I understand what you are going through. We lost our two year old. Now I catch myself wondering when I am going to lose our newest baby. Silly, huh? This is how Satan pulls us down, sister. You have to take those thoughts and feelings for what they are and again, give them to God. You don't want to spend a moment of your precious time with Blake being fearful. God brought him to you for however long God sees fit. Enjoy him. Grow with him. Allow yourself to be totally happy with the gift God has given you!! :)
ReplyDeletemom2many is right on! you are serving a God who is unchanging, and you can't forget that. Blake might be helping you remember who you are, but he did not help MAKE you who you are. Remember that your identity is in Christ only- not in friends or boyfriends! ENJOY your time with him and don't let Satan get a foothold of your emotions by allowing fear into your life!!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy all of the things you're experiencing. And God will show you His perfect will.
ReplyDelete