N's bday.

Remember how I told you about how I was trying to maintain a better relationship with N?

Yeah. That is no more....

His bday cook out/ party was Saturday night and he had asked me a while back if Id come. I had to jump through hoops to make it happen but I did and I even made him his favorite pie as a birthday present. Everything went great in the beginning-- All our old friends were back together and I was enjoying meeting his new friends. He told me multiple times throughout the night how much everyone liked me and how much he appreciated the effort I was putting forth to get to know everyone instead of expecting him to occupy me all night (HA!- He doesnt know how independent I am now apparantly). Everything was going off without a hitch and I was having a really good time! At one point, they all decided they wanted to go to a little beach bar up the street so we jumped in the car and headed that way.

We danced.

We drank.

We laughed.

We remembered old times.

We saw some great friends.

And we celebrated N's first 25 yrs of life!

And then N decided to ask me to "be his girl" in the middle of the dance floor. I, of course, said no explaining that this was not the time or place for us to discuss this but that he knew how I felt about it and that we had too many issues that still needed to be resolved before that could even be considered.

He agreed that we could discuss it later and that he should just enjoy his bday with great friends!

(At one point during then night, one of our old friends, Brian, (who was incredibly wasted) decided it'd be funny to grab my boob as a joke (Insert gasp here bc yes, I was very surprised). I just shook it off because of the fact that they were drinking and he hadnt done it to be vulgar or mean... he just thought he was being funny.)

ANYWAYS....

Night went on- things were totally fine and everyone had a great time....

.......

Insert Downward spiral here.

Later in the night, as we were all getting back to N's and everyone had gone their separate ways (or passed out), N decided to lay in on me about how "slutty" I am and how I am "just like his Ex" and that I "ruined his birthday" just like she did.

He was mad because

1. I had danced with one of our friends, who is a guy, at some point in the night with a bunch of other friends in a group

2. because I "allowed" Brian to "FEEL ME UP"

Yes, you read that right. He is mad that I danced with our guy friend, who we've been friends with FOREVER in a HUGE GROUP OF OUR FRIENDS DANCING and because I ALLOWED a guy who has been our friend for ages to FEEL ME UP in a bar.

This was the first time in all our time together that I realized just how emotionally and verbally abusive N is. I cried my eyes our while he yelled at me about how awful of a person I am and how he never wants to see me again and how he wanted me to get out of his face and go "slut it up with all his friends." I tried to contribute this to his drunkeness thinking that he'd come to his senses in the morning and apologize....

Nope.

He just started right back up in the morning.

He refused to allow me to explain anything to him.

He refused to acknowledge that dancing is not having sex and that it is totally harmless-- especially in a group of friends.

He refused to acknowledge that I DID NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO FEEL ME UP nor did I even approve of Brians "accidental" boob grace.


I left after he told me to "get the F*** out of his house and never come back."



Im done girls (and guys).

I know I did nothing wrong.

I hung out with our friends and tried to make N's bday one of his bests.

He, however, had a different agenda for the night and decided he wanted to be mad at SOMEONE.

No surprise that I was the target.

He has since tried to contact me to apologize for his name calling and demeaning assault... in addition to some texts to "correct" his initial "everyone loved you" comments to "you flirted with everyone and made them uncomfortable"....

I have not responded.

Nor do I intend to.


I should have known that he'd find some way to make me feel like crap regardless of whether it was justified.

I am hurt that he has most likely told all our mutual friends and his new friends his believed (and elaborated) version of the story and now they all have a bad view of me....


I am realizing that I cant win with him.

Something is always gonna be wrong with me and I will never do anything right.

I refuse to be manipulated, belittled, or abused any longer.


I am going to miss my Ollydog :(

Going Through the Motions

Things have been just blah busy lately.


I work.

I babysit.

I run.

I sleep.


And thats about it.



I have been really trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and Im just hitting dead ends. I really feel like God is leading me to dead ends because Im not waiting for HIM to tell me what I should do- Im going out looking instead. Its just so hard because I feel like I HAVE BEEN WAITING and yet I am still no closer to knowing what I want to do than I was 6 months ago. I am 23 years old and although I know that is young to some, I need to move in SOME forward direction sometime soon, dont you think??

I am reapplying to the Sonography program but havent done much to better my chances in terms of taking classes or anything so I am really not expecting much from going through the application process again. I take the entrance exam tomorrow and no, I have not studied one bit. I studied my booty off last time and still didnt get in so why would I waste my time this time? Luckily, the test works similar to the SAT and they will combine my best scores from different testing sections to get me the most points possible when applying. Great news is that the university never got my final transcript that I sent them over 6 months ago so now I get to pay more money to have it sent again (insert sarcasm here).

The couple I nanny for came home one night a couple of weeks ago saying that they had met my husband. ha! They've known him casually for a while but always thought he was married. Apparantly when T found out he wasnt married, he immediately told the guy he should meet his "wonderful friend and babysitter." I laughed when T and R told me about this. I refuse to get my hopes up about this one since things like this just never seem to work out for me but I do trust that they have my best interest at heart when they say he's someone I should eventually meet. I havent met him yet but I guess we'll see.

Ive been trying to remain friendly with N over the past few months- going to see Olly, hanging out with mutual friends, picking them up from bars if needed and Im awake. On one hand, I can see that he is definitely changing for the better but on the other, I just still see the same old N that used to hurt me over and over and over again while we were together and even after we split. He is interested in possibly dating again in the future and right now, I am just not having that. He had his chance and Im not sure he deserves another no matter how much he has changed for the better.

Im so burned out on work. I just want to hang out with my little ones all the time instead. But thats how the money comes in-- a combination of babysitting and work and welp, thats what I have to do. No point complaining about it.

I havent been to my small group in probablly 6 weeks. I dread going because of one of the girls that comes every week who Ive grown up with. I think the simple fact that I dont even long for that fellowship tells me that its time to find a new small group. Now I just have to figure out how to tell my group that Im not going to be coming anymore. Fun times.

Im at 7 miles in my half marathon training schedule-- and man is it brutal to always have to find time to get the runs in. I actually havent ran in 4 days which is REALLy unusual for me. I may have to shift runs forward or backward in order to fit them into my schedule but I dont normally go days skipping runs. The weather and my work schedule just hasnt really worked out the last few days. Im nervous Ill die during my long run on Thurs/Friday if I dont run tomorrow but then again, I have NO idea when Id even get it in since I have to take that test and babysit tomorrow. YIKES--- What the heck am I going to do when I have to allot 2-3 hours to my runs towards the end. Im going to have to take time off work to make that happen haha!

Totally random post but thats what you may get for a while.

Ive been keeping up with you guys- dont worry! Im just lame and do the same thing every single day so I dont have anything interesting to write about. :)

What I deserve....

is nothing at all.



Thank you Mama Beaver for giving me this reminder! You hit the nail on the head!

Im still here!

I feel like I post something like this every few months when I know its starting to look like I fell off the face of the earth!!!

but


Im still here!

Im still training!

Im still working!

Im still babysitting!

Im still hoping for an epiphiny about what I should do with my life!

Im still waiting for the right God-Loving Man to find me :)

Im still trying to figure out what my little sister is thinking half the time when she does crazy things!

Im still so incredibly in love with my niece!!

Im still SO thankful that my parents are letting me live with them rent free while I save to buy a house in oh... lets say... like 5 years :)

Im still here!


:) Are you?!~

Changes

I have a feelings that changes are in my future.


not sure how.

or why.

but I feel it.



We'll see what happens.

2011

I cannot believe that it is already 2011! What happened to the past 365 days???!!! I have no idea! It all becomes just a blur from my last semester in college, to B and I breaking up, to moving home, to so much more--

I am so excited for a fresh start!


Bring it on 2011!