Resentment.

The grieving process is a peculiar thing.

After all the hurt is somehow bandaged up and left to heal, something strong and unmistakable begins to creep in when you least expect it. It comes without you realizing it but when it rears it's ugly head, there is no mistaking its presence.

When something like this happens.... you deal.... however you know how.

Sadness turns into confusion...

... which turns into hurt...

...which turns into anger....

...which turns into resentment.


Resentment.
- noun
- anger, bitterness, or ill will.


I resent Blake.

There.

I said it.



I resent Blake for making me believe what we had was something special.... something he valued.

I resent Blake for telling me he loved me and talking about marriage and a family... then walking away.

I resent Blake for letting me picture our lives together... our future home... our future children... and then shattering that dream right before my eyes.

I resent Blake for sucking me in and then spitting me out.

I resent him.



Yet, I still miss him.

I still wouldnt change taking that risky step of letting him in.

I still wouldnt trade our time together.

I still grieve his absence.



I know I need to let go... because it is more than clear that he is never coming back...

but its so hard to do that when you love someone despite all they've done to you.

I think the reason I cant hate him is because I know he was in an impossible situation. He didnt know that C was going to come back after 7 months of silence. I know he was trying to move on from her and that I was the one (for whatever reason) who he met. I know he didnt meet me and begin to date me with the intention of hurting me. I know he was just trying to pick up the pieces of his life so that he wasnt waiting for someone who may have never come back. I understand all that....

but I still resent him most days.


I wanna scream at him,

beat his chest as hard as I can,

and tell him he crushed my hope that 2nd chances are real.


Ive been through hell once...

Ive been through hell a second time...

and I am scared to death to get sent back a third time.


Its not his fault.

I know that.

Its my fault for reacting the way I have.

For letting myself fall for him and for belieing that 'Happily Ever Afters' do exist.

It is my fault for letting myself become vulnerable; for letting myself love him.

For falling away from God because my resentment for Blake has somehow continued on to my Savior.

I take the blame.


but at the end of the day, I still

love


cry for



miss



grieve over



yet resent Blake.





Wish I could shake these chains Satan has ensnared me with.





{sigh}

12 to 13.1

That is...

12 weeks until I run 13.1 miles (Half marathon)

I am very well aware that I am crazy considering that I havent really ran in oh... about 7 weeks... aside from a 4 mile trail run the Saturday after Thanksgiving which I ran on a whim following 3 weeks of running hiatus. HOWEVER... Im going to do it and its going to be WONDERFULLLL!

:)


Ive always wanted to run a marathon before I die and considering that you have to start somewhere, I figured RIGHT NOW is a great time to start by trying a half marathon first.


I need some...


structure


stress relief


alone time


exercise


...in my life and this seems like a good way to keep myself moving and happy this winter with a set goal at the end of the road!


I am so excited but also scared that the cold and long work days will keep me from sticking with my training plan. My bff Kelly is going to run it with me but she lives in Raleigh, NC so we are on our own for most (if not ALL) of our training.


Words of encouragement are welcomed at any time :)


Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas! :)

tid bits with UPDATE

• I have almost all my Christmas shopping done!
• I hate how Christmas has become less about Christ and more about presents. It stresses me out having to find something for someone instead of just getting it because i want to.
• I survived my 70 hour week last week - but barely.
• My little sister has informed me that she doesnt believe in God. Huge blow. She has been purposefully saying things like "Jesus Christ" and "God Da**" around me just to upset me. Not a good thing. Lots of prayers would be appreciated. I feel like I cant do anything.
• I have been trying to maintain a civil relationship with N because of our history and Ollydog but its hard. Most days that I talk to him, I want to rip his head off because of how closed minded he is.
• I rear-ended someone today. I wasnt paying attention. It was totally my fault. She was really sweet and we decided to get everything done between us instead of getting the police involved, etc. I dont have the money for this right now.
• I have kids overnight tonight and the mom has awkwardly decided that I need to attend the kids' christmas parties at school... i know no one... the kids are old enough tht its not cool to have moms dads or babysitters come to school to see them. I really dont want to go.

today is starting to suck big time

UPDATE

We had a windstorm tonight.

The wind knocked their basketball goal over.

Onto my car.

This week may be the end of me.

Ive spent 110 hours with the kids I babysit for in the past 7 days.

I love them but I need a break.


Ive decided to reapply to the Sonography program in March as long as none of the dates have passed already. I may take a class or two to up my chances but overall, I will be going in hoping for the best.


I considered nursing school briefly and then realized I was crazy.


Im so NOT ready for Christmas. Ive bought one gift out of six. Even finding a gift for my niece, Finley, is becoming a challenge bc they have requested only one gift from each person so that their home isnt overflowing with toys and such, esp when she doesnt even know whats going on quite yet.


I am looking into taking a vacation sometime in January just to pamper myself and hopefully give me some breathing time before making some big decisions. Big question is whether Ill be able to find a friend who has the same availability and finances and I and would like to join. We'll see.


I promise I am alive and still reading, just not talking that much :)

r u kidding me.

just wrote a rediculously long post for you guys.

and somehow it's all gone.


great.

flu

Im super sick. Have been for a week. Headache, sore throat, cough, fever, aches.

I came back up to school for a friends birthday this weekend thinking Id be okay by the weekend. Nope. Just as bad. Cant sleep. Cant eat. Cant even get through a sentence without coughing.

Im an idiot. I should have gotten my flu shot sooner.

ugh.

Asheville

Just got back from spending the weekend in Asheville with a family that I babysit for. SO beautiful! I am trying to catch up on everyones blogs and make my life more interesting so I have something to write about- haha!

Blessings

God is good.

In the midst of all that has been going on, He has reminded me that

HE WILL PROVIDE....

that

HE WILL PICK ME UP....

that

HE WILL SEE ME THROUGH...

Remember how my hard drive crashed?

Once again, God has laughed at my inability to understand and has given me provision! On Saturday, after watching some kids overnight, their parents came home and surprised me with a new laptop!

People, I was FLOORED.

They said that they felt like the Lord was telling them to get one for me and that they wanted me to know just how important I am to their family and that they are truly blessed by me.

UH HELLO!? You just bought me a new computer- I AM BLESSED BY YOU!

At small group, we also started a new series last night. We are reading, "He Speaks to Me" by Priscilla Shirer and I AM SO EXCITED! I have avoided small group for the past couple weeks because I just couldnt handle it. I decided to go last night and am SO SO glad! The very first chapter confirmed some things in my life about needing to "position" myself to hear God speak. It is something I have been working on and will post about later!

The days are getting a little easier. Of course, there are days that I wake up and I just sob because of how much I miss Jason. But I am trying to live knowing that Jason is well taken care of and that he is looking down on me every day.

Today I will not speak of all the reasons why I am frusted or angry or sad or confused or upset.

Today I will say...

I am blessed.

No where to go

but up

Not a good week

No word on the autopsy yet.

I miss Jason.

Every single day I cry because I know I am getting to experience things that he never will again.

I try to remind myself that I should be jealous of him.

Jealous that he is partying with Jesus in a place of perfection.

Still.

I miss him so much it hurts.



There is a lot that has happened in the past 8 weeks that I haven't posted about.

I just didn't have the heart to jinx something that could be good.

It wouldn't have made a difference.

I know that now.


I didnt "meet" anyone.

He just finally had the guts to tell me how he felt.

Ive always felt the same.

But theres always been circumstances that kept me from ever saying anything.

I did the right thing.

I told him up front I wasnt ready yet.

That I still loved Blake.

That my heart was still healing.

that our circumstances were next to impossible and

that we were already at a huge disadvantage for things to work out...


but I told him that I wanted to talk (and ONLY talk) and get to know each other.


I shouldn't have been surprised yesterday when those "circumstances" that always made things impossible before got even more impossibly apparent.

I do not want to talk about it. I have not even told anyone about speaking to him because I didnt want to go through what I had gone through with Blake again.

Now I find myself more wounded than I thought I would be.

I dont think I ever fully healed after Blake.

My heart is still raw and I was still scared to death to be hurt again.

I thought I was doing a good job guarding my heart

and keeping him at enough of a distance.

I guess I was wrong.

I didnt keep him far enough away because

I have found myself right back to the fear that things may never turn out right for me.

and at this moment in time...

thats where I stand.

thats what I believe.


It has not been a good week.

"Crazy" Jason

N and I's friend, Jason, was found dead in his bed this morning.

We do not know what happened yet.; still waiting on the autopsy report.

I had not seen him since N and I's split last April.

I ache because of that.

I wish I had had one more night with our "crazy" Jason.

Laughing at his craziness until my sides hurt.

I am so proud of him.

He served this country with all he had and always put others before himself.

My heart is broken.

I love you crazy Jason. You will forever be missed.

crash.

Hard drive crashed today. Was able to get my documents and pictures off somehow, but the rest is gone.

guess i will be looking for a new computer since mine is 5 yrs old and buying a new harddrive does not ensure that it wont crash in the next 6 months bc of the computer.

any suggestions?

remember: Im broke.

great day.

Let it go.

I've been holding on so tight.

Look at these knuckles, they've gone white.

I'm fighting for who I wanna be.

I'm just trying to find security.


It's hard enough to hear...

Harder still, to move beyond this fear.

We know there's nothing I can bring,

So tell me what do you want from me?


You say let it go

You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control.

You say You will be, everything I need,

You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go.


What do I love?

What do I hate?

What will I lose?

What will I gain?

How do I save my soul?

What if I bend?

What if I break?

What will it cost?

What will it take?

For you to save my soul?



You say let it go.




Lyrics from "Let it Go" by Tenth Avenue North

life

Life is really crazy right now- Im sorry I havent been posting (for like the one of you who even reads anymore)

Its been a really rough weekend and idk if I even have the energy to post about it but lets just say it wasnt enjoyable.

I work 30 hours/week at Ome.ga and at least 20 hrs/wk babysitting so basically my life consists of waking up...working...babysitting...running...showering...sleeping...waking up.... You get the picture.

Not good times.

So grateful to be putting away money but really frustrated that I dont get any me time.

Hopefully Ill be back soon

sigh

Blake

Lots to talk about. No energy to do it right now.



Blake texted me on Saturday afternoon.

Not to get me back.

Not to tell me he'd made a mistake.

After 4 months of silence....

He texted to say "hey"

to tell me he still thinks about me

and cares about me a lot

and that he's sorry for everything.

He is still marrying C.

He is still not coming back.


For a split second,

I thought things were going to turn out right.

Should have known.

He contacted me out of pure selfishness

and I made sure that he knew

thats how I felt.



After all these steps towards normal

I feel like Ive been set back.


What do you do when you've become so indifferent

that the only reason

you still go through the motions...

...is because you have no other choice?

Im still here! My birthday was Friday and Ive had a crazy couple weeks- Ill post an update soon!

BUST.

Remember my nice little list of everyday goals that I set for myself???


Yeah.... Im doing really good on a lot of them.


Others.....

not. so. much.


So I need to confess.


Heres the original list with updates...

1. Do not spend unnecessarily
I was doing really well with this one....
until I had a few slip up's this past week..

• I did eat Ch.ik-fil.-A one day after work this week because I wanted to go to Barnes & Noble to read but was starving! BUST.
• I bought a Vanilla MILKSHAKE in my gap between work and babysitting one night. I went to the mall to kill an hour so I wouldnt have to drive all the way home... and I was craving a milkshake ALLLLL day and I totally fell into a trance when I walked by dairy queen... BUST!
• While at the mall, I knew I needed to get a new pair of khaki shorts for work (rotating the two pairs I have for 6 days straight isnt so great) and was SO stoked when I found a comfy pair on sale for $6!!! I also got a collared shirt for work for $8.. buttt THENNNN.... I maybe so a cute beach dress for $4.00 and talked myself into getting that, tooo! AHHHh! At least it was only 4 bucks! stilll.... its a BUSSSTTTT!!!
  
• I kinda maybe bought myself a hat at work (25%discounted!) because the one I wear all the time is NASSTTTYYYY ( okay... and i kinda maybe also got a pair of running shorts and a pair of goggles since the goggles I was using at school were Blake's....) TRIPLE BUST!

I'll stop there before you guys take a roadtrip to sentence my debit card into some type of holding cell this week :)

2. Do not contact N
I totally didn't think this one would be too hard. Yeah... easier said than done. I have totally felt strong conviction over this whole thing with N and I's mutual friend. I feel bad that N was so hurt by it and it didn't even turn out to be anything. Even though I apologized when we met, I felt like he didn't truly believe that I was sorry. Now, a month later, I see now why it was such a hard thing for him- even though we weren't dating and he has a gf. I met with him Sunday night to talk to him about it and apologize again. It was a bad idea because we ended up fighting and I left in tears. Way to go conviction! BUST.

3. Transfer $50 into savings with every deposit
I'm not going to lie... I've been totally rockin' this one! :) Last time I made a deposit- I was able to transfer a lot more than that over to my savings! Given, I do try to live like I have double digits in my account even though I don't but it seems to be working out well so far!

4. Do not turn down babysitting jobs unless already booked
CHECK! I have not turned down a single job since setting this goal (unless I had to). I have also been working between 33-34 hours at Omega each week as well. I dont get my first paycheck until midway through the month but I think my plan to live off of my babysitting money and save my paychecks will work out well.

5. Return missed phone calls THAT DAY
Total. Bust. I have always found it really hurtful when I have to call friends over and over before they will call me back. I still have to do this with a lot of people so I try really hard no to do it to others but MAN, IS IT HARD! By the time I babysit all morning and then working all afternoon/evening or vice versa, the last thing I want to do is sit on the phone for the next 4 hours trying to return phone calls! I really need to work on this one- it was a BUST.

6. Memory verses
This one is going pretty well. As you recall, I chose to stick with Psalm 37:4 for 2 weeks instead of one since its one that I struggle with. This past week, the Lord gave me Isaiah 55:8. I meant to choose a new one on Sunday but things got busy and well... now Im behind. I feel pathetic because the kids I nanny for memorize this huge long verses each month and I have these puny little ones- haha! Gotta start somewhere, right?! :)

Week 1 & 2:
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your Heart.
(Psalm 37:4)

Week 3:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
(Isaiah 55:8)

7. Exercise most days
I am really starting to feel like I am making progress in this area. It's not hard for me to STAY in shape but it is SO hard for me to get back into shape. I'd like to pick some 5ks out for October/November so that I have something to work towards. Im getting caught at about 2.5 miles. I know I could probably do more but the course I run at the beach is about that long and when I get to where I started, its really hard to keep going! Im gonna try to start adding a minimum of a minute to my run each time if time permits.

(8/23) Monday: 31:00 minute run
(8/24) Tuesday: Rest
(8/25) Wednesday: 21:50 minute run
(8/26) Thursday: 22:54 minute run
(8/27) Friday: 15 minutes on road bike
(8/28) Saturday: 22:30 minute run
(8/29) Sunday: REST
(8/30) Monday: REST
(8/31) Tuesday: 22:00 minute run
(9/1) Wednesday: REST
(9/2) Thursday: 17:00 minute morning run + 20:30 evening run
(9/3) Friday REST
(9/4) Saturday: REST
(9/5) Sunday: 23:00 minute run
(9/6) Monday: 25:06 minute run
(9/7) Tuesday: 5 mile run (around 50 minutes)
(9/8) Wednesday: 30 minute run (3 miles)
(9/9) Thursday: 21:53 min run (2.45 miles)

8. exhibit love & patience to all you come in contact with.
Ummm... yeah... I don't like people very much I've realized... and a lot of the time, they are rude and disrespectful and I'm just not down with that. Work has helped me the most with this one because I'm pretty sure Id get fired if I didn't show love and patience to my clients. However, I'd like to be more conscious of my thoughts and judgments towards others without feeling obligated (ie bc I'm working) so this is definitely a work in progress. Oh, and I think road rage runs in my family :) so I need to make sure Klove is on my radio to keep me calm during bad traffic! :) BUST!

9. Have a daily quiet time with the Lord
I totally suck at this one. Ive been having a hard time journaling because of how busy I am and when I do feel like I have time, I have nothing to say. I created a private blog that only I can access in the hopes that it'd help me journal since I'd be typing instead of having to write it out. Yup. that blog remains totally post free. This is by far, the worst BUST of the past couple weeks. I dont know how to make myself WANT to journal. I do speak to God frequently during the day but it is a sentence here or a word there-- and like most, usually my prayers are selfish and about helping ME instead of helping OTHERS. Yup, I have no choice but admit that this was a BUST!

Any advice? What kind of goals do you set for yourself? What do you think I should change? What do you think is a good idea?!

J

Out of nowhere, I heard from N and I's mutual friend, J, on Friday night. (he's the one who freaked out when N found out we'd hung out- I told the story HERE)

It took him 4 weeks to contact me but I really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by attempting to understand that he was put in a situation that he didn't expect and maybe just needed some time to process.

He asked me to hang out a couple times and I said no but then decided I should give him a chance.

Bad Idea.

He is just like every other Douchebag in this world. (pardon my french)

All I needed was to hang out with him one more time to realize that he has nothing to offer me.

Oh well.

-------------------------------------------------

Although it hurts to have to look back at the whole Blake situation and how it turned out, I am so grateful that I met someone who treated me the way I deserved to be treated. Never once did B make me feel like what I had to say wasn't important. Never did he try to pressure me into doing something that I didn't want to do. Never did he make me feel the way that N made me feel. I'd gone so long being treated the way N treated me that I didn't know there could be something better out there until Blake came along.

No guy will ever get away with the crap that N did to me.


I will not settle for less.


Not anymore.

Taking a step forward....

or so I thought.


This box contained everything I had kept from the duration of N and I's relationship that I still had in my possession (excluding gifts). I put a card in there for Olly's birthday along with his present and old toys that had been at my house for months since the last time I saw him. I felt like I needed to wipe my hands of those memories. (if you know me at all, you'll have realized that I am a very sentimental person and I keep a lot of things that serve as memories.) I'd been holding on to these things for far too long.

N did not ask for it.

Nor did I tell him he'd be receiving it.

I simply packed it up,

drove to his apartment,

made sure S's car wasnt there,

and dropped it at the door.

I did not ring the doorbell.

I did not send a text.

I did not call.

I just left it there.


... and I haven't heard a thing from him.

What is this?