OHHHH Update

Hellloooooo!

I didn't want to leave you hanging much longer so here are bullet points about the past weeks of non blogging time!

• I finished the application process for this years admissions to the Sonography program and should find out within the next couple weeks. I'm pretty torn on this one. I really don't think I will get in but if I do, I feel obligated to attend. I'm not quite sure its what I wanna do but I'll cross that road when I come to it aka IF I get accepted into the program. Good thing about not being sure is that there is a lot less pressure about the outcome of my point count.






• I am currently in the process of booking an ALL INCLUSIVE VACATION for the end of June with one of my best friends! I am SOOOO excited and am proud of myself for finally taking the vacation I deserve after working 50+ hours/wk for the past year! I'm getting a little irritated by how laid back my friend is being about getting her passport and taking her PTO days at work because if she screws this up for me, I'm gonna have to open a can of whoop ass! :) I know she wants to go, but she is just so used to people doing everything for her that she's just sitting around waiting for me to take care of it. Dumb Dumb, have fun trying to make it in the real world without mommy and daddy. :)






• My transmission is jacked in my car. It wont consistently shift into reverse from park or drive. It's lurching into reverse and literally sends me flying backwards 30-40% of the time. This means I am in the market for a new car! Scary but exciting! I am going to drive this one until it literally stops in the middle of the road and I have to have it towed :) But meanwhile, I am going to be casually searching for midsized SUVs. Any suggestions??!! I LOVE my Mom's Hyundai Sante Fe and have also been looking into Highlanders and Pilots too but am open to anything anyone has had good luck with. Its really scary to think about signing a paper that promises I will pay lots of money every month but I've crunched numbers and know I can do it with my income. I am not sure whether Id like to buy New or Used so suggestions on that are welcome too. I do not like the idea of a new car depreciating SOOO much the moment you drive it off the lot but I do like the idea of a full warranty left on it. I know you can get warranties on used cars too so its just gonna take a lot of research before I make any decisions. Hopefully I'll get another 6 months out of this car but I'll never know until it happens.






• I met a boy! A GOOD, GODLY, RESPECTFUL, boy! One who is so good to me (maybe too good! Its been 6 weeks and you'd be so proud of me because I haven't even let him kiss me! I've been taking this one SLOOOWWWW (Maybe too slow but that's okay) but I feel like that's what I need! We've talked about everything under the sun... from our upbringing, family, marriage, kids, our pasts, futures, to our walk with the Lord! Its been refreshing but super scary because this is the first time in my life that I have made it very clear that Christ is going to be the center of the relationship or that there will be no relationship at all. I'm going to be honest, I'm not 100% sure I know exactly what that looks like but I definitely know what it does not look like. Right now, my only concern is that it is moving to fast for me (in the emotional aspect) because he is 29 and I know ready to pursue marriage and a family and I'm not sure I'm there yet... at least not with him. Only because I barely know him except for what Ive learned in the past 6 weeks and I do not believe you can know someone that soon. So far he is everything I would ever hope for in a husband but I don't know if the passion is there... and if it's not, I know it could never work. So I'm gonna keep taking things slow and keep communicating with him about how I'm feeling (obviously in a thoughtful manner) and first and foremost, keep praying for the Lord to show me what to do.






• I just spent a week in Disney with the family I nanny for and man am I glad to be back! :) We had a great time for sure but its tiring playing mommy all the time! haha! Don't get me wrong, I was very grateful for the vacation but any vacation with 4 young children really isn't a vacation at all! Especially after spending 13 hours squished between a 5 year old and a 7 year old in the back of a mini van! Oh Mickey, you totally don't have the effect on me that you used to! ;)






• I feel like every single girl Ive ever known is announcing their pregnancies! Which is weird all around for me regardless of whether they are married or single or whatever! We are WAY too young for this junk! Marriage! Babies! Houses! Okay, maybe not but COME ON PEOPLE! Stop reminding me that I'm behind on the "fall in love, get married, buy a house, have a baby" gig!
  
  
  
  

Alright, Greys Anatomy is calling my name on DVR so Ill have to update you more later!

Happy Easter!

I feel like Ive been gone foreverrrrrr! I have SO much to tell you!


Soon!


Very Soon!

Are you freaking kidding me?

Blake texted me yesterday. Jist of the conversation? He's married. Are you freaking kidding me? What. A. F-ing. Douche.

Half Marathon

SOOOO


I DID IT!


I finished my half marathon!

No Walking!

No Stopping!


In 2 hours and 5 minutes (about 9:30min pace)


I was hoping to do it under 2 hours but I am SOO SOO SOO fine with how I finished! I kept my planned pace for the first 7-8 miles and then literally hit a wall! My body hurt so bad for the last 5 miles that I thought I was going to just FALL OVER! I had to slow down but that is okay because I still feel like I did really well!

SOO glad its over!

OMGOSH!!!!

My half marathon is in just 7 days! OMGOSHHHHHH!

Head Spinning

Went back up to where I went to school on Thursday with the plan to stay til Monday.

I came back Saturday morning instead.


Thought I could trust people.

Turns out I cant.


Was in the process of drawing up a business plan to start my own business.

Found two other agencies just like it already in my area.


I can see it in my moms eyes that somethings going on with her and my dad.

But she wont talk to me.


Am trying to maintain friendships that have been distanced over the years.

Seems the other parties dont care to.


Trying to figure out if I should pack up and move away.

But cant imagine leaving my family for a promise of nothing.


Getting so incredibly close to my half marathon

and am realizing I will be running alone.


My head is spinning

because life doesnt make sense.

CRRRAZZZZYYYY DAYS

I feel like Ive been running around like a chicken for the past week! I dont remember the last time I slept through the night and actually felt refreshed the next day. Between training, working, and babysitting, I am just soooo tired!!

I worked 15 hours on Saturday, another 8 yesterday and now I have my niece all day / night until I have to babysit in the morning.... followed by a run... and a 7 hour shift at work then a full day with the kids...

Im heading back to where I went to school on thursday but even a weekend that should be fun is starting to stress me out as I have NO idea when Im going to pack or get a long run in this week because Im traveling.

In addition, one of our main workers at Omega got a "big boy" job and starts on March 1st. Ive been asked if Id be willing to pick up some of the hours he'll be leaving behind. On one hand, Im stoked for the opportunity to make some extra money but on the other hand, Im dizzy just thinking about another 6-12 hours of work each week. I guess Ill see how it goes and go from there.

4 weeks til my half marathon! FREAKING out a little! :)

PS. Running with a stroller is SO much harder than running alone- even if you do have REALLY cute company! :)

Valentines Day

Valentines Day is one of those holidays thats great when you have someone but not so much when youre alone.

I had dinner with N Saturday (after his insistance.... even though I told him I didnt think it was a good idea) to discuss how I feel about our "situation." It didnt go so great. I made him agree beforehand that, no matter what, he'd conduct himself maturely, which he did but he was still not happy with the outcome despite my warning. He was expecting me to say that I wanted to eventually be with him again... it seemed that he wanted me to basically give him a list of things that needed to happen before Id agree to try again. WHAT THE? He wasnt very happy when I told him that I just didnt feel good about re-igniting something that Im very unsure about. (WHICH IVE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG!!)

So now I feel like a jerk for letting him take me to dinner even though I told him we shouldnt go to dinner... but do coffee or something..... I guess Vday was getting to him too and he was trying to salvage the crappy holiday.... ughhhhhh!

Then I got a text from him at midnight last night that said....

" Happy Valentines Day. Have fun... whoever you spend it with."


Really?


Are we 12 again that we have to send texts like that ?

Im really just over the whole thing. Ive made it very clear how I feel and STILL, he thinks my view is going to change.

Since when do the words coming out of my mouth NOT mean what I say??

Whatever.

Im going to take everyone's advice and even though its going to suck to not see Olly, just stop talking to N. If I post again about him, you have my permission to kick me! :)

On a good note, I get to spend this morning with my niece! She is awesome and I love the time I get with her!

AND its supposed to be 60 degrees today (but a little windy) so I think she and I will go for a run when she gets up from her nap! :)


Valentines Day, you suck!... but Im gonna make the best of it!

:) HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE!

bullets

• N hasnt contacted me since Sunday, which is good since I asked for space and time to think. I asked for time because I really didnt wanna deal with all that right now. I do need time. However, I havent been doing much thinking about that during this "time." I think I feel like I dont need to think about it because I know deep down what I need to do. Im just dreading having the conversation because I know it is going to create drama and I REALLY dont like drama. Eventually Im going to have to call him and let him know... cuz you know, its not very nice to just leave someone hanging like that.
• Im supposed to do a long run (9 miles) today. (Actually I was supposed to to do it yesterday but I had to work) but it's raining and 33 degrees outside. I guess I can just do it tomorrow... but that would mean Ive already taken three rest days this week and am gonna have to take another on Sunday because of my work schedule. I dont want to get into the habit of taking so many days off a week especially now that Im up to higher mileages. Ugh, U SUCK WEATHER.
• Somethings going on with my rents. I dont know what it is but things are just weird around the house lately. I tried to talk to my little sister about it but she refuses to talk about what shes noticing because then itd make it real. NEWS FLASH. Just because you ignore it doesnt mean its gonna go away.
• Theres a lot going on in my head right now but I am totally copping out and pushing it all to the back burner because I am just too exhausted to deal with all of it right now. Is that bad?

Update on N situation

I.

Am.

SO.

Over.

It.

N has now come back and tried to apologize and profess his love for me. Saying he really wants to give us another chance.

R U KIDDING ME?

You just FLIPPED out on me and told me you never wanted to see me again!

I dont feel good even considering giving him another chance.

His "Im sorry's" dont mean anything to me anymore and Ive made that very clear.

Our relationship was so hard on me and I never realized it until I was on the outside looking back.

I dont want to do that again.

EVER.



I have a problem with not wanting to hurt people so this is really hard for me.

I KNOW I dont want to marry N.

SO WHY AM I HESITATING TELLING HIM TO HIT THE ROAD?

I dont want to hurt him.

and I dont want to give up Olly.

Dont get me wrong. I have been VERY honest about how I dont feel that us being together is a good thing

but

I have also allowed myself to hang out with N and all our mutual friends a few times over the past month or so. I made the mistake of believing that he would believe the words coming out of my mouth when I said over and over that "We are not getting back together."

Clearly he isnt hearing me... or isnt believing me... or something.

I DONT KNOW.


AHHHHH!!

I know I should just break all communication and just accept that he is most likely going to keep Olly from me.

but Im being selfish and I dont want to give up Olly.

or hurt anyone.

Help me out here.

N's bday.

Remember how I told you about how I was trying to maintain a better relationship with N?

Yeah. That is no more....

His bday cook out/ party was Saturday night and he had asked me a while back if Id come. I had to jump through hoops to make it happen but I did and I even made him his favorite pie as a birthday present. Everything went great in the beginning-- All our old friends were back together and I was enjoying meeting his new friends. He told me multiple times throughout the night how much everyone liked me and how much he appreciated the effort I was putting forth to get to know everyone instead of expecting him to occupy me all night (HA!- He doesnt know how independent I am now apparantly). Everything was going off without a hitch and I was having a really good time! At one point, they all decided they wanted to go to a little beach bar up the street so we jumped in the car and headed that way.

We danced.

We drank.

We laughed.

We remembered old times.

We saw some great friends.

And we celebrated N's first 25 yrs of life!

And then N decided to ask me to "be his girl" in the middle of the dance floor. I, of course, said no explaining that this was not the time or place for us to discuss this but that he knew how I felt about it and that we had too many issues that still needed to be resolved before that could even be considered.

He agreed that we could discuss it later and that he should just enjoy his bday with great friends!

(At one point during then night, one of our old friends, Brian, (who was incredibly wasted) decided it'd be funny to grab my boob as a joke (Insert gasp here bc yes, I was very surprised). I just shook it off because of the fact that they were drinking and he hadnt done it to be vulgar or mean... he just thought he was being funny.)

ANYWAYS....

Night went on- things were totally fine and everyone had a great time....

.......

Insert Downward spiral here.

Later in the night, as we were all getting back to N's and everyone had gone their separate ways (or passed out), N decided to lay in on me about how "slutty" I am and how I am "just like his Ex" and that I "ruined his birthday" just like she did.

He was mad because

1. I had danced with one of our friends, who is a guy, at some point in the night with a bunch of other friends in a group

2. because I "allowed" Brian to "FEEL ME UP"

Yes, you read that right. He is mad that I danced with our guy friend, who we've been friends with FOREVER in a HUGE GROUP OF OUR FRIENDS DANCING and because I ALLOWED a guy who has been our friend for ages to FEEL ME UP in a bar.

This was the first time in all our time together that I realized just how emotionally and verbally abusive N is. I cried my eyes our while he yelled at me about how awful of a person I am and how he never wants to see me again and how he wanted me to get out of his face and go "slut it up with all his friends." I tried to contribute this to his drunkeness thinking that he'd come to his senses in the morning and apologize....

Nope.

He just started right back up in the morning.

He refused to allow me to explain anything to him.

He refused to acknowledge that dancing is not having sex and that it is totally harmless-- especially in a group of friends.

He refused to acknowledge that I DID NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO FEEL ME UP nor did I even approve of Brians "accidental" boob grace.


I left after he told me to "get the F*** out of his house and never come back."



Im done girls (and guys).

I know I did nothing wrong.

I hung out with our friends and tried to make N's bday one of his bests.

He, however, had a different agenda for the night and decided he wanted to be mad at SOMEONE.

No surprise that I was the target.

He has since tried to contact me to apologize for his name calling and demeaning assault... in addition to some texts to "correct" his initial "everyone loved you" comments to "you flirted with everyone and made them uncomfortable"....

I have not responded.

Nor do I intend to.


I should have known that he'd find some way to make me feel like crap regardless of whether it was justified.

I am hurt that he has most likely told all our mutual friends and his new friends his believed (and elaborated) version of the story and now they all have a bad view of me....


I am realizing that I cant win with him.

Something is always gonna be wrong with me and I will never do anything right.

I refuse to be manipulated, belittled, or abused any longer.


I am going to miss my Ollydog :(

Going Through the Motions

Things have been just blah busy lately.


I work.

I babysit.

I run.

I sleep.


And thats about it.



I have been really trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and Im just hitting dead ends. I really feel like God is leading me to dead ends because Im not waiting for HIM to tell me what I should do- Im going out looking instead. Its just so hard because I feel like I HAVE BEEN WAITING and yet I am still no closer to knowing what I want to do than I was 6 months ago. I am 23 years old and although I know that is young to some, I need to move in SOME forward direction sometime soon, dont you think??

I am reapplying to the Sonography program but havent done much to better my chances in terms of taking classes or anything so I am really not expecting much from going through the application process again. I take the entrance exam tomorrow and no, I have not studied one bit. I studied my booty off last time and still didnt get in so why would I waste my time this time? Luckily, the test works similar to the SAT and they will combine my best scores from different testing sections to get me the most points possible when applying. Great news is that the university never got my final transcript that I sent them over 6 months ago so now I get to pay more money to have it sent again (insert sarcasm here).

The couple I nanny for came home one night a couple of weeks ago saying that they had met my husband. ha! They've known him casually for a while but always thought he was married. Apparantly when T found out he wasnt married, he immediately told the guy he should meet his "wonderful friend and babysitter." I laughed when T and R told me about this. I refuse to get my hopes up about this one since things like this just never seem to work out for me but I do trust that they have my best interest at heart when they say he's someone I should eventually meet. I havent met him yet but I guess we'll see.

Ive been trying to remain friendly with N over the past few months- going to see Olly, hanging out with mutual friends, picking them up from bars if needed and Im awake. On one hand, I can see that he is definitely changing for the better but on the other, I just still see the same old N that used to hurt me over and over and over again while we were together and even after we split. He is interested in possibly dating again in the future and right now, I am just not having that. He had his chance and Im not sure he deserves another no matter how much he has changed for the better.

Im so burned out on work. I just want to hang out with my little ones all the time instead. But thats how the money comes in-- a combination of babysitting and work and welp, thats what I have to do. No point complaining about it.

I havent been to my small group in probablly 6 weeks. I dread going because of one of the girls that comes every week who Ive grown up with. I think the simple fact that I dont even long for that fellowship tells me that its time to find a new small group. Now I just have to figure out how to tell my group that Im not going to be coming anymore. Fun times.

Im at 7 miles in my half marathon training schedule-- and man is it brutal to always have to find time to get the runs in. I actually havent ran in 4 days which is REALLy unusual for me. I may have to shift runs forward or backward in order to fit them into my schedule but I dont normally go days skipping runs. The weather and my work schedule just hasnt really worked out the last few days. Im nervous Ill die during my long run on Thurs/Friday if I dont run tomorrow but then again, I have NO idea when Id even get it in since I have to take that test and babysit tomorrow. YIKES--- What the heck am I going to do when I have to allot 2-3 hours to my runs towards the end. Im going to have to take time off work to make that happen haha!

Totally random post but thats what you may get for a while.

Ive been keeping up with you guys- dont worry! Im just lame and do the same thing every single day so I dont have anything interesting to write about. :)

What I deserve....

is nothing at all.



Thank you Mama Beaver for giving me this reminder! You hit the nail on the head!

Im still here!

I feel like I post something like this every few months when I know its starting to look like I fell off the face of the earth!!!

but


Im still here!

Im still training!

Im still working!

Im still babysitting!

Im still hoping for an epiphiny about what I should do with my life!

Im still waiting for the right God-Loving Man to find me :)

Im still trying to figure out what my little sister is thinking half the time when she does crazy things!

Im still so incredibly in love with my niece!!

Im still SO thankful that my parents are letting me live with them rent free while I save to buy a house in oh... lets say... like 5 years :)

Im still here!


:) Are you?!~

Changes

I have a feelings that changes are in my future.


not sure how.

or why.

but I feel it.



We'll see what happens.

2011

I cannot believe that it is already 2011! What happened to the past 365 days???!!! I have no idea! It all becomes just a blur from my last semester in college, to B and I breaking up, to moving home, to so much more--

I am so excited for a fresh start!


Bring it on 2011!

Resentment.

The grieving process is a peculiar thing.

After all the hurt is somehow bandaged up and left to heal, something strong and unmistakable begins to creep in when you least expect it. It comes without you realizing it but when it rears it's ugly head, there is no mistaking its presence.

When something like this happens.... you deal.... however you know how.

Sadness turns into confusion...

... which turns into hurt...

...which turns into anger....

...which turns into resentment.


Resentment.
- noun
- anger, bitterness, or ill will.


I resent Blake.

There.

I said it.



I resent Blake for making me believe what we had was something special.... something he valued.

I resent Blake for telling me he loved me and talking about marriage and a family... then walking away.

I resent Blake for letting me picture our lives together... our future home... our future children... and then shattering that dream right before my eyes.

I resent Blake for sucking me in and then spitting me out.

I resent him.



Yet, I still miss him.

I still wouldnt change taking that risky step of letting him in.

I still wouldnt trade our time together.

I still grieve his absence.



I know I need to let go... because it is more than clear that he is never coming back...

but its so hard to do that when you love someone despite all they've done to you.

I think the reason I cant hate him is because I know he was in an impossible situation. He didnt know that C was going to come back after 7 months of silence. I know he was trying to move on from her and that I was the one (for whatever reason) who he met. I know he didnt meet me and begin to date me with the intention of hurting me. I know he was just trying to pick up the pieces of his life so that he wasnt waiting for someone who may have never come back. I understand all that....

but I still resent him most days.


I wanna scream at him,

beat his chest as hard as I can,

and tell him he crushed my hope that 2nd chances are real.


Ive been through hell once...

Ive been through hell a second time...

and I am scared to death to get sent back a third time.


Its not his fault.

I know that.

Its my fault for reacting the way I have.

For letting myself fall for him and for belieing that 'Happily Ever Afters' do exist.

It is my fault for letting myself become vulnerable; for letting myself love him.

For falling away from God because my resentment for Blake has somehow continued on to my Savior.

I take the blame.


but at the end of the day, I still

love


cry for



miss



grieve over



yet resent Blake.





Wish I could shake these chains Satan has ensnared me with.





{sigh}

12 to 13.1

That is...

12 weeks until I run 13.1 miles (Half marathon)

I am very well aware that I am crazy considering that I havent really ran in oh... about 7 weeks... aside from a 4 mile trail run the Saturday after Thanksgiving which I ran on a whim following 3 weeks of running hiatus. HOWEVER... Im going to do it and its going to be WONDERFULLLL!

:)


Ive always wanted to run a marathon before I die and considering that you have to start somewhere, I figured RIGHT NOW is a great time to start by trying a half marathon first.


I need some...


structure


stress relief


alone time


exercise


...in my life and this seems like a good way to keep myself moving and happy this winter with a set goal at the end of the road!


I am so excited but also scared that the cold and long work days will keep me from sticking with my training plan. My bff Kelly is going to run it with me but she lives in Raleigh, NC so we are on our own for most (if not ALL) of our training.


Words of encouragement are welcomed at any time :)


Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas! :)

tid bits with UPDATE

• I have almost all my Christmas shopping done!
• I hate how Christmas has become less about Christ and more about presents. It stresses me out having to find something for someone instead of just getting it because i want to.
• I survived my 70 hour week last week - but barely.
• My little sister has informed me that she doesnt believe in God. Huge blow. She has been purposefully saying things like "Jesus Christ" and "God Da**" around me just to upset me. Not a good thing. Lots of prayers would be appreciated. I feel like I cant do anything.
• I have been trying to maintain a civil relationship with N because of our history and Ollydog but its hard. Most days that I talk to him, I want to rip his head off because of how closed minded he is.
• I rear-ended someone today. I wasnt paying attention. It was totally my fault. She was really sweet and we decided to get everything done between us instead of getting the police involved, etc. I dont have the money for this right now.
• I have kids overnight tonight and the mom has awkwardly decided that I need to attend the kids' christmas parties at school... i know no one... the kids are old enough tht its not cool to have moms dads or babysitters come to school to see them. I really dont want to go.

today is starting to suck big time

UPDATE

We had a windstorm tonight.

The wind knocked their basketball goal over.

Onto my car.

This week may be the end of me.

Ive spent 110 hours with the kids I babysit for in the past 7 days.

I love them but I need a break.


Ive decided to reapply to the Sonography program in March as long as none of the dates have passed already. I may take a class or two to up my chances but overall, I will be going in hoping for the best.


I considered nursing school briefly and then realized I was crazy.


Im so NOT ready for Christmas. Ive bought one gift out of six. Even finding a gift for my niece, Finley, is becoming a challenge bc they have requested only one gift from each person so that their home isnt overflowing with toys and such, esp when she doesnt even know whats going on quite yet.


I am looking into taking a vacation sometime in January just to pamper myself and hopefully give me some breathing time before making some big decisions. Big question is whether Ill be able to find a friend who has the same availability and finances and I and would like to join. We'll see.


I promise I am alive and still reading, just not talking that much :)