Randoms

• why do people insist on driving like bats out of hell? Im scared for my life on a regular basis driving around this town.
• My boss is milking my last week of full shifts for what its worth.  Five closing shifts in a row is not fun to me.  But oh that 13.5 hours/3 shifts that I am scheduled for next week is going to be SO GLORIOUS!  So excited to finally have some downtime in 2012!
• I realized today after watching a very defiant, hard-headed, whine-y 3 year old that I should tell my mom thank you at least once a day for allowing me to live to adulthood... :)
• I feel confident that standing up for myself in the friend situation (see last post) was the right thing to do.  I am just weeding out the friends who dont really care so that I can focus more on the friends who really do 
• My running partner comes back from vacay tomorrow and I am so stoked to not have to run solo anymore!
• My niece has got to be the most amazing, loving, adorable 16 month old on the planet :)
• I am so grateful for all my parents do for me. They seriously are awesome.
• I love seeing God's crystal clear answers to certain prayers. What an awesome God I serve!
• I have New Years Eve off--- like ENTIRELY off! Wahoo! I was supposed to have kids overnight and then the NFL game their parents are going to got moved so now I have them January 1st-2nd. YES!
• I love you bloggy friends.  Even when I feel like I cant talk to anyone- I know I can talk to you and get supportive responses- so thank you!

friend

I wont get into the nitty gritty of the situation but I know a few of you have asked what happened regarding my last post.

A bunch of my friends and I closed out a bar in Greensboro to have our annual Christmas party a few weeks ago.  I am one of the few who does not live there or live in a close surrounding town. Because I live 3.5 hours away I had not seen most of these friends since labor day weekend and was super excited to see everyone.

Before I tell you what happened, you'll need some background information.

Friend, who I will call AS, has a very hard time not being the center of attention.

Due to the fact that I had not seen anyone for MONTHS, everyone was really excited when I got into town.  I could tell that AS was not happy that they were more excited to see me than her.  (I dont really understand this considering that she sees these people all the time but whatever).

AS is also very insecure. In herself and in all of her 4392073497 "serious" relationships that she has had since Ive known her.  She has lived with three different guys in three years and met this last guy on a dating site (she denies this).

(Let me say that I have absolutely NOTHING against people meeting on dating sites-- I am a firm believer that God has his hand in everything and if that is how God brings you together then it is no different than if you had met on the street or through a mutual friend or in school) What I dont like is that she lies to everyone about how they met including me (who is supposed to be her best friend.)

ANYWAYS-


The jist of what happened? 


Party started at 7pm so by 930 all of us were having a great time dancing, drinking, eating,  and catching up.  At one point her boyfriend, who was dressed in tacky christmas attire, jumped in the middle of the circle and started dancing.  Everyone gathered around him rooting him on.  SOMEHOW in all of this, I was accused by AS of GRABBING HER BOYFREINDS BUTT.


Seriously, people?


1) Never would I grab a friend's boyfriend's butt- or any guys' butt for that matter- in a bar.
2) She has never dated attractive guys so why would I feel inclined to grab a "not hot" booty?
3) Even if I did grab his butt, are you seriously so insecure that, in the midst of everyone dancing and joking around, you would get THAT mad about it?


I know I wouldnt have gotten that mad had the tables been turned.


But maybe thats because I am secure in who I am and because of the fact that I refuse to be with someone who I dont feel secure in after suffering through my breakups with N and Blake.


AS FREAKED out during this circle dance session-- I noticed her get mad and walk away so I followed her to the bathroom where she began cussing at me and throwing her fists up in her drunken state to tell me she didnt want to talk to me.  At one point she attempting to hit me out of rage. 

I chose to walk away at that point to let her cool down.


She refused to speak to me the entire night. Wouldn't tell me why she was mad.  Would not discuss what was going on or talk through it with me.

I chose to have a good time regardless of how she was acting because I knew she was toasted and that things would probably be fine the next day.

Yea, wrong.

She left the party without saying bye... didnt call me in the morning... didnt respond to any of my texts apologizing for making her upset and explaining that I did not grab his butt.

I did not hear from the girl for TEN DAYS.

YES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, T-E-N DAYS.

At which point I receive an email from her bashing me as a person and as a friend- an email that rehashed any and every major (and not major) thing I have every done in the past 5 years of our friendship.  Things that could have so simply been resolved had she just mentioned that it bothered her so that I could correct the sitation.

Nope,  She took sucker punches.  She addressed things that she knows I regret more than anything in life- telling me that I was an awful person for doing this and for doing that.  She said she couldn't believe I did certain things-- things that she very clearly supported at the time.

I read that email and concluded that I was in a lose lose situation.

If I respond, It would turn into a " well you did this..." and "well you did that" session.

If I didnt respond, she would psychotically think that I knew everything she had said was true and that I couldnt fight her on it.


So I chose not to respond until I cooled down, shed my tears, and got my head on straight.

During that time, I did not hear one thing from her.  However, I did get many texts from one of her friends (who is kind of mutually friends with me since we have spent some weekends at the beach together) berrating me for being such a terrible person and for not apologizing for what I did and how could I sleep at night being the person that I am.

Apparently we are in middle school.

This girl who texted me is 29 years old.  Yes, it's sad.


I did not respond to any of those messages.

I chose to email AS back and simply said,

"Seems you've made it very clear your opinion of me.  I am sorry you feel this way about our friendship.  I wish you the very best regardless.  -A"


I mean what else was I supposed to say?

I refuse to work this hard for a friendship.  This is not the first time she has blown up over something ridiculous.  We lived together for 3 years in college and it was always something with her. 

I am broken because I am losing her friendship but for the first time in a long time, I am going to stand up for myself and the respect I deserve and walk away from this one.  Someone who treats me this way is not a true friend and I need to be okay weeding those people out.

But I am still sad.

Today- I received more texts for the 29 year old girl.  It brought me to tears once again.  It's like I cant get away from this drama even when I try.

I am trying to be the mature one in this situation although it would be very easy to stoop to her level and respond to her email.  I could discount every single thing she bashed me for and then turn around and bash her x10 for the things she has done.

But I wont do that.

I have done my part.  I apologized and tried to contact her not only the night this happened but also multiple times after that.

Her email barely even addressed what happened at the Christmas party-- it was more about bringing up all the things Ive ever done wrong to prove why she was justified in her reaction.

I am not perfect-- I will never claim to be.

But I do try really hard to be a good friend. A good person. Who puts others first.


I am so exhausted.  I am tired of putting so much effort into people and friendships and then have things like this happen.

It makes me wonder what is wrong with me that these things seem to follow me.


ugh!

another one.

I feel like the past year has been a lot of me realizing that most of my friends are not my friends at all.

I chose to walk away from my friendship with Kelly because I didnt feel valued at all. Our flawed friendship created scars I realized I could overcome... considering that she didnt see (or care to see) that she was creating them..  I had to make a hard decision to walk away from something that was breaking me.  I haven't heard from her in 4 months. It sucks knowing that me silently walking away has not affected her at all.

Whats worse?

I think it's happening again.... just with someone else.


A friend I have always considered one of my best....

Why I considered her that is beyond me when I reflect on the past 4 years.



Im sad and exhausted and hurt and confused.

I want to tell you the whole story but my heart just cant handle anymore today.

I find myself asking, "What is wrong with ME?".... that people don't want to treat me how I feel like a friend should treat me?


It's sad that I have only a couple of IRL friends I feel I can truly trust.  I actually trust some of my bloggy friends more than some of my real friends.  I dont reach out to them or talk to them about these thing individually because I dont want to be a creeper. (Yeah, theres honesty for you.)

Its sad hat I feel closer to people I dont talk to on a regluar basis or know in real life than I do to people that are supposed to be my real life friends.

Im stuck in a lose lose situation and its tearing me apart.

Whats going on?

Ive been MIA again... I know.


Wanna know whats going on?  Well I dont have any time to explain so heres the run down.

1. My nanny family is moving in 4 days. Yes, I am freaking out.
2. Christmas is way expensive... like make me broke expensive... and it doesnt help that I have an amazing niece and I wanna buy her anything and everything in sight that I think will make her smile :)
3. I am no longer friends with my roommate from college.  She is officially psycho- as demonstrated after I drove 4 hours to hang out with her for the weekend and ended up hanging out alone most of the time because she is so insecure in herself and she and her boyfriends relationship that she chose to think only about herself and was connected to her hip neglecting me 99.9% of the time... not sure why Im suprised.
4. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few months-- ex: why I chose to walk away from Casey (fear of losing my independent woman status that I worked so hard for),  why I need to focus on me (working 7 days a week for 15 hours a day for 3 weeks will show you that), learning to recognize the friends who actually do care and choosing to focus on them rather than waste my time on the ones that dont.
5. I added in a new baby to my nanny crew yesterday. She is 8 weeks old and omgosh I love her! She is such a good baby!
6. I have scrapped my idea to run a marathon in February.  Im thinking that March is a better plan :)
7. Running when its cold.... in the dark... is not fun... at all

More later.  Im lame, I know.

Clarification

Just to clarify- conversation with Blake was through text, not a phone call.

I dont know why I responded

but I did.

I can't undo it.

After 8 months...

Blake contacted me today.

  (if you dont know who Blake is, check back at January-April 2010 and beyond)


After

8

Freakin

Months.


To tell me he rushed into his marriage and that it wasnt the right thing to do.


What am I supposed to say to that?

What am I supposed to say when he tells me he thinks about me every day?

What am I supposed to say when he says he's finally getting his PhD at VCU?

What am I supposed to say when I think about the pain his wife would feel if she knew he had contacted me after being married for over a year.

What am I supposed to say when he tells me he's sorry for everything he put me through?

What am I supposed to say when he tells me he wishes he had given "us" more time.

What am I supposed to say when he tells me he doesn't know what to do.


I told him to pray.

He told me he doesnt pray anymore.

I told him he should start.



After 8 months.

Oh My Goodness

WTH happened to November?

Its seriously time to start Christmas shopping and wrapping presents and craziness like that.

I am MIA.

I know.

Doubt anyone misses me so Im just gonna continue whatever it is Im doing.

11/11/11

A huge thank you for all the men and women who are, have, or ever will serve our country so selflessly.  I will never be able to thank you enough.


And yes, Mr. GAP, I am talking to you. Thank you- from the bottom of my heart. <3

Half

Half Marathon was excruciating.  I knew by mile 3 that this was gonna hurt- bad!  It was definitely not my best day running but I sucked it up and finished it in 2 hours and 10 minutes (6 minutes slower than my last one).  Although I wanted to do better, the course was hard and I was not feeling it.  I'll take it!

ch ch ch changes

I feel like the past month has just been filled with lots of changes.

I decided about 5 months ago that I was going to start moving towards my dream to start my own nannying agency to match families and nannies here in my town.

Then I added a family to my nannying schedule.

Then I found out that I was losing a family who will be moving in January.

Then I was asked to add in a brand new baby girl starting in December.

My dream for the agency has been postponed due to the craziness of the end of the year.  I have no clue how I would cover all the necessary aspects of the launch (insurance, clients, nannies) during the holidays while also trying to transition with my "kids" and helping my main family prepare to move.  Not to mention that Im going to be a wreck when they leave.

Maybe trucking forward would be better because then maybe my mind would be occupied enough for my heart not to hurt as much?

I dont know.

All I know is that there are changes coming at me from every which way

MIA

How is it that some weeks I end up posting every single day and then the very next week flies by before I even know what happened?


Yeah, me neither

Right Around the Corner

My half marathon is coming up quick!

My runs are getting longer and this time around, this race isnt going to be the light at the end of the tunnel.  I plan to run the Myrtle Beach Marathon in February if I can find a crew to accompany me for the weekend. 

Any takers? :)

Inspire Me Monday

 

:)

The family I nanny for is moving to Kansas City in January to become missionaries.




They told me last Friday.

Ive been a wreck the past week.

They are my family.

I have never missed a birthday... a holiday... a family photo or vacation...




What am I supposed to do without them?

Inspire Me Monday

Everyone said it couldn't be done....

Fit two car seats and a booster side by side in the back seat, that is....

but I did.

Thank you very much.

Applause is appreciated :)


And yes, I now officially look like a mom.

Take 3: Alabama

What do you get when you take 25 women and give them all shovels, rakes, and the love of Christ?

    

 

 .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You get an entire house demo-ed and cleaned up in the space of 4 hours.



Nothing is impossible with God.

Alabama Continued...

The family we helped most of the weekend lost everything in the tornado.  Their house was literally picked up and dropped in the middle of the road.  Doug and Barbara lost 10 acres of crops, their home, their livestock, and so much more.  Luckily they didn't lose one another. Twelve years ago, something had told Doug to purchase a storm shelter despite his wife's complaint that it was expensive and unneeded. That storm shelter saved not only Doug's life...  But his two daughters and grand-babies as well.  (His wife was at work at the local hospital)  The tornado was so powerful that it literally ripped 2 of the 3 hinges off the steel door of the shelter.  Doug painted us a vivid picture through his tears of how he stood behind that door, holding it with all his might praying that the Lord would spare his family. 

He made a deal with God that day.

He asked that God would spare his family and in return, he would humble himself and serve God from that day forward.

God answered Doug's prayer.

And Doug is holding up his end of the bargain.

We helped clear Doug's land and replant grass seed so that he will be able to plant some type of crop this year.  Let me tell you, Doug was always smiling.  It warmed my heart so much to see him carrying that seed distributor around laying seed before we shook out hay to cover and protect them.

Doug is so so precious.  His heart is HUGE.  And His love for the Lord is even bigger.  I love that when I look at him, that is the first thing I see.




Prayers are needed for him, though, my friends..... While he was holding the steel down onto the shelter, the Tornado was continually sucking all the air out of his lungs and then forcing it back in.  In addition to the air, it was also forcing particles of debris along with it.  Five months later, and Doug is having to prepare to undergo chemotherapy because of a fungus that is now growing in his lungs.

This man has gone through one of the scariest things I could ever imagine.... and now he is getting hit with this, too?! :(

I am praying hard for a quick and successful recovery.

I am so blessed to call this man my friend.

....More to come.

Sweet Home Alabama

Over last weekend, I was blessed with the chance to travel to Tuscaloosa to take park in some disaster relief with a group of singles from my church.  It is an experience that I will never forget and it lights a fire in my heart to do future disaster relief here in the States.

--------------------------------------------------

On April 27, 2011 at about 5:00pm, a Tornado measuring about a mile wide tore through Tuscaloosa, Alabama with wind speed reaching 264mph.  Most tornadoes only stay on the ground for a short while before they dissipate.  However, this storm is thought to have set a record by covering 300 miles before clearing.  The storm came out of no where.  The weather seemed perfect and many people were unaware that trouble was even brewing.  In about 3 minutes, Tuscaloosa's world was changed forever.

 (images courtesy of google)

To be continued....

Time Flies

So, totally didn't realize just how many things Ive neglected to blog about in the past month so here's a bullet style

• I turned 24 on September 17th.  It turned out great because we were throwing my coworker a going away party the same night so we just combined the two and went out as a huge group (my work friends and my other friends).  The best part?  My job paid for everything at the bar we started out the night at! So awesome when its your birthday and you have your company paying for your drinks :) I didn't want to do anything crazy because I'm not a huge drinker or party-er but I just wanted to everyone to get together.  Overall it was a great time.  Funny thing happened tho, N (my ex), got completely wasted and spontaneously proposed to me in the middle of a bar.  Obviously I just walked away because I was annoyed that he would do that.  Apparently I humiliated him, though, and hes not very happy with me. Whatever- you cant make everyone happy. :)
• I have about 5 weeks until my half marathon and am so grateful to still be running!  After my Alabama trip, I went for a run and woke up the next morning and couldn't put weight on my right foot.  I rested it a few days and went in and had xrays done.  First of all, my feet are jacked. The orthopedist asked if I had injured my foot in the past because there are a few old small cracks that look like they could have been fractures at one point.  This is a surprise to me considering that I have never injured my foot.  We eventually determined that I probably strained my Pero.neus Lo.ngus Tendon/Muscle and I shouldn't have significant problems with it after it heels.  What is probably happening is that one of my "fracture" sites that has calcified is rubbing the tendon and irritating it.  Anyways, I went for a run Friday morning and didn't have any problems.  Weird
• My trip to Alabama was AMAZING.  I am going to post pictures for you to see and tell about the families we worked with and the work we did.  Sorry- I know I promised this earlier this week but with my foot injury, things have been a little whack.

That is all for now, I have a really long To Do list to tackle before work!  Happy Saturday!