Going Through the Motions

Things have been just blah busy lately.


I work.

I babysit.

I run.

I sleep.


And thats about it.



I have been really trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and Im just hitting dead ends. I really feel like God is leading me to dead ends because Im not waiting for HIM to tell me what I should do- Im going out looking instead. Its just so hard because I feel like I HAVE BEEN WAITING and yet I am still no closer to knowing what I want to do than I was 6 months ago. I am 23 years old and although I know that is young to some, I need to move in SOME forward direction sometime soon, dont you think??

I am reapplying to the Sonography program but havent done much to better my chances in terms of taking classes or anything so I am really not expecting much from going through the application process again. I take the entrance exam tomorrow and no, I have not studied one bit. I studied my booty off last time and still didnt get in so why would I waste my time this time? Luckily, the test works similar to the SAT and they will combine my best scores from different testing sections to get me the most points possible when applying. Great news is that the university never got my final transcript that I sent them over 6 months ago so now I get to pay more money to have it sent again (insert sarcasm here).

The couple I nanny for came home one night a couple of weeks ago saying that they had met my husband. ha! They've known him casually for a while but always thought he was married. Apparantly when T found out he wasnt married, he immediately told the guy he should meet his "wonderful friend and babysitter." I laughed when T and R told me about this. I refuse to get my hopes up about this one since things like this just never seem to work out for me but I do trust that they have my best interest at heart when they say he's someone I should eventually meet. I havent met him yet but I guess we'll see.

Ive been trying to remain friendly with N over the past few months- going to see Olly, hanging out with mutual friends, picking them up from bars if needed and Im awake. On one hand, I can see that he is definitely changing for the better but on the other, I just still see the same old N that used to hurt me over and over and over again while we were together and even after we split. He is interested in possibly dating again in the future and right now, I am just not having that. He had his chance and Im not sure he deserves another no matter how much he has changed for the better.

Im so burned out on work. I just want to hang out with my little ones all the time instead. But thats how the money comes in-- a combination of babysitting and work and welp, thats what I have to do. No point complaining about it.

I havent been to my small group in probablly 6 weeks. I dread going because of one of the girls that comes every week who Ive grown up with. I think the simple fact that I dont even long for that fellowship tells me that its time to find a new small group. Now I just have to figure out how to tell my group that Im not going to be coming anymore. Fun times.

Im at 7 miles in my half marathon training schedule-- and man is it brutal to always have to find time to get the runs in. I actually havent ran in 4 days which is REALLy unusual for me. I may have to shift runs forward or backward in order to fit them into my schedule but I dont normally go days skipping runs. The weather and my work schedule just hasnt really worked out the last few days. Im nervous Ill die during my long run on Thurs/Friday if I dont run tomorrow but then again, I have NO idea when Id even get it in since I have to take that test and babysit tomorrow. YIKES--- What the heck am I going to do when I have to allot 2-3 hours to my runs towards the end. Im going to have to take time off work to make that happen haha!

Totally random post but thats what you may get for a while.

Ive been keeping up with you guys- dont worry! Im just lame and do the same thing every single day so I dont have anything interesting to write about. :)

What I deserve....

is nothing at all.



Thank you Mama Beaver for giving me this reminder! You hit the nail on the head!

Im still here!

I feel like I post something like this every few months when I know its starting to look like I fell off the face of the earth!!!

but


Im still here!

Im still training!

Im still working!

Im still babysitting!

Im still hoping for an epiphiny about what I should do with my life!

Im still waiting for the right God-Loving Man to find me :)

Im still trying to figure out what my little sister is thinking half the time when she does crazy things!

Im still so incredibly in love with my niece!!

Im still SO thankful that my parents are letting me live with them rent free while I save to buy a house in oh... lets say... like 5 years :)

Im still here!


:) Are you?!~

Changes

I have a feelings that changes are in my future.


not sure how.

or why.

but I feel it.



We'll see what happens.

2011

I cannot believe that it is already 2011! What happened to the past 365 days???!!! I have no idea! It all becomes just a blur from my last semester in college, to B and I breaking up, to moving home, to so much more--

I am so excited for a fresh start!


Bring it on 2011!

Resentment.

The grieving process is a peculiar thing.

After all the hurt is somehow bandaged up and left to heal, something strong and unmistakable begins to creep in when you least expect it. It comes without you realizing it but when it rears it's ugly head, there is no mistaking its presence.

When something like this happens.... you deal.... however you know how.

Sadness turns into confusion...

... which turns into hurt...

...which turns into anger....

...which turns into resentment.


Resentment.
- noun
- anger, bitterness, or ill will.


I resent Blake.

There.

I said it.



I resent Blake for making me believe what we had was something special.... something he valued.

I resent Blake for telling me he loved me and talking about marriage and a family... then walking away.

I resent Blake for letting me picture our lives together... our future home... our future children... and then shattering that dream right before my eyes.

I resent Blake for sucking me in and then spitting me out.

I resent him.



Yet, I still miss him.

I still wouldnt change taking that risky step of letting him in.

I still wouldnt trade our time together.

I still grieve his absence.



I know I need to let go... because it is more than clear that he is never coming back...

but its so hard to do that when you love someone despite all they've done to you.

I think the reason I cant hate him is because I know he was in an impossible situation. He didnt know that C was going to come back after 7 months of silence. I know he was trying to move on from her and that I was the one (for whatever reason) who he met. I know he didnt meet me and begin to date me with the intention of hurting me. I know he was just trying to pick up the pieces of his life so that he wasnt waiting for someone who may have never come back. I understand all that....

but I still resent him most days.


I wanna scream at him,

beat his chest as hard as I can,

and tell him he crushed my hope that 2nd chances are real.


Ive been through hell once...

Ive been through hell a second time...

and I am scared to death to get sent back a third time.


Its not his fault.

I know that.

Its my fault for reacting the way I have.

For letting myself fall for him and for belieing that 'Happily Ever Afters' do exist.

It is my fault for letting myself become vulnerable; for letting myself love him.

For falling away from God because my resentment for Blake has somehow continued on to my Savior.

I take the blame.


but at the end of the day, I still

love


cry for



miss



grieve over



yet resent Blake.





Wish I could shake these chains Satan has ensnared me with.





{sigh}

12 to 13.1

That is...

12 weeks until I run 13.1 miles (Half marathon)

I am very well aware that I am crazy considering that I havent really ran in oh... about 7 weeks... aside from a 4 mile trail run the Saturday after Thanksgiving which I ran on a whim following 3 weeks of running hiatus. HOWEVER... Im going to do it and its going to be WONDERFULLLL!

:)


Ive always wanted to run a marathon before I die and considering that you have to start somewhere, I figured RIGHT NOW is a great time to start by trying a half marathon first.


I need some...


structure


stress relief


alone time


exercise


...in my life and this seems like a good way to keep myself moving and happy this winter with a set goal at the end of the road!


I am so excited but also scared that the cold and long work days will keep me from sticking with my training plan. My bff Kelly is going to run it with me but she lives in Raleigh, NC so we are on our own for most (if not ALL) of our training.


Words of encouragement are welcomed at any time :)


Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas! :)

tid bits with UPDATE

• I have almost all my Christmas shopping done!
• I hate how Christmas has become less about Christ and more about presents. It stresses me out having to find something for someone instead of just getting it because i want to.
• I survived my 70 hour week last week - but barely.
• My little sister has informed me that she doesnt believe in God. Huge blow. She has been purposefully saying things like "Jesus Christ" and "God Da**" around me just to upset me. Not a good thing. Lots of prayers would be appreciated. I feel like I cant do anything.
• I have been trying to maintain a civil relationship with N because of our history and Ollydog but its hard. Most days that I talk to him, I want to rip his head off because of how closed minded he is.
• I rear-ended someone today. I wasnt paying attention. It was totally my fault. She was really sweet and we decided to get everything done between us instead of getting the police involved, etc. I dont have the money for this right now.
• I have kids overnight tonight and the mom has awkwardly decided that I need to attend the kids' christmas parties at school... i know no one... the kids are old enough tht its not cool to have moms dads or babysitters come to school to see them. I really dont want to go.

today is starting to suck big time

UPDATE

We had a windstorm tonight.

The wind knocked their basketball goal over.

Onto my car.

This week may be the end of me.

Ive spent 110 hours with the kids I babysit for in the past 7 days.

I love them but I need a break.


Ive decided to reapply to the Sonography program in March as long as none of the dates have passed already. I may take a class or two to up my chances but overall, I will be going in hoping for the best.


I considered nursing school briefly and then realized I was crazy.


Im so NOT ready for Christmas. Ive bought one gift out of six. Even finding a gift for my niece, Finley, is becoming a challenge bc they have requested only one gift from each person so that their home isnt overflowing with toys and such, esp when she doesnt even know whats going on quite yet.


I am looking into taking a vacation sometime in January just to pamper myself and hopefully give me some breathing time before making some big decisions. Big question is whether Ill be able to find a friend who has the same availability and finances and I and would like to join. We'll see.


I promise I am alive and still reading, just not talking that much :)

r u kidding me.

just wrote a rediculously long post for you guys.

and somehow it's all gone.


great.

flu

Im super sick. Have been for a week. Headache, sore throat, cough, fever, aches.

I came back up to school for a friends birthday this weekend thinking Id be okay by the weekend. Nope. Just as bad. Cant sleep. Cant eat. Cant even get through a sentence without coughing.

Im an idiot. I should have gotten my flu shot sooner.

ugh.

Asheville

Just got back from spending the weekend in Asheville with a family that I babysit for. SO beautiful! I am trying to catch up on everyones blogs and make my life more interesting so I have something to write about- haha!

Blessings

God is good.

In the midst of all that has been going on, He has reminded me that

HE WILL PROVIDE....

that

HE WILL PICK ME UP....

that

HE WILL SEE ME THROUGH...

Remember how my hard drive crashed?

Once again, God has laughed at my inability to understand and has given me provision! On Saturday, after watching some kids overnight, their parents came home and surprised me with a new laptop!

People, I was FLOORED.

They said that they felt like the Lord was telling them to get one for me and that they wanted me to know just how important I am to their family and that they are truly blessed by me.

UH HELLO!? You just bought me a new computer- I AM BLESSED BY YOU!

At small group, we also started a new series last night. We are reading, "He Speaks to Me" by Priscilla Shirer and I AM SO EXCITED! I have avoided small group for the past couple weeks because I just couldnt handle it. I decided to go last night and am SO SO glad! The very first chapter confirmed some things in my life about needing to "position" myself to hear God speak. It is something I have been working on and will post about later!

The days are getting a little easier. Of course, there are days that I wake up and I just sob because of how much I miss Jason. But I am trying to live knowing that Jason is well taken care of and that he is looking down on me every day.

Today I will not speak of all the reasons why I am frusted or angry or sad or confused or upset.

Today I will say...

I am blessed.

No where to go

but up

Not a good week

No word on the autopsy yet.

I miss Jason.

Every single day I cry because I know I am getting to experience things that he never will again.

I try to remind myself that I should be jealous of him.

Jealous that he is partying with Jesus in a place of perfection.

Still.

I miss him so much it hurts.



There is a lot that has happened in the past 8 weeks that I haven't posted about.

I just didn't have the heart to jinx something that could be good.

It wouldn't have made a difference.

I know that now.


I didnt "meet" anyone.

He just finally had the guts to tell me how he felt.

Ive always felt the same.

But theres always been circumstances that kept me from ever saying anything.

I did the right thing.

I told him up front I wasnt ready yet.

That I still loved Blake.

That my heart was still healing.

that our circumstances were next to impossible and

that we were already at a huge disadvantage for things to work out...


but I told him that I wanted to talk (and ONLY talk) and get to know each other.


I shouldn't have been surprised yesterday when those "circumstances" that always made things impossible before got even more impossibly apparent.

I do not want to talk about it. I have not even told anyone about speaking to him because I didnt want to go through what I had gone through with Blake again.

Now I find myself more wounded than I thought I would be.

I dont think I ever fully healed after Blake.

My heart is still raw and I was still scared to death to be hurt again.

I thought I was doing a good job guarding my heart

and keeping him at enough of a distance.

I guess I was wrong.

I didnt keep him far enough away because

I have found myself right back to the fear that things may never turn out right for me.

and at this moment in time...

thats where I stand.

thats what I believe.


It has not been a good week.

"Crazy" Jason

N and I's friend, Jason, was found dead in his bed this morning.

We do not know what happened yet.; still waiting on the autopsy report.

I had not seen him since N and I's split last April.

I ache because of that.

I wish I had had one more night with our "crazy" Jason.

Laughing at his craziness until my sides hurt.

I am so proud of him.

He served this country with all he had and always put others before himself.

My heart is broken.

I love you crazy Jason. You will forever be missed.

crash.

Hard drive crashed today. Was able to get my documents and pictures off somehow, but the rest is gone.

guess i will be looking for a new computer since mine is 5 yrs old and buying a new harddrive does not ensure that it wont crash in the next 6 months bc of the computer.

any suggestions?

remember: Im broke.

great day.

Let it go.

I've been holding on so tight.

Look at these knuckles, they've gone white.

I'm fighting for who I wanna be.

I'm just trying to find security.


It's hard enough to hear...

Harder still, to move beyond this fear.

We know there's nothing I can bring,

So tell me what do you want from me?


You say let it go

You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control.

You say You will be, everything I need,

You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go.


What do I love?

What do I hate?

What will I lose?

What will I gain?

How do I save my soul?

What if I bend?

What if I break?

What will it cost?

What will it take?

For you to save my soul?



You say let it go.




Lyrics from "Let it Go" by Tenth Avenue North

life

Life is really crazy right now- Im sorry I havent been posting (for like the one of you who even reads anymore)

Its been a really rough weekend and idk if I even have the energy to post about it but lets just say it wasnt enjoyable.

I work 30 hours/week at Ome.ga and at least 20 hrs/wk babysitting so basically my life consists of waking up...working...babysitting...running...showering...sleeping...waking up.... You get the picture.

Not good times.

So grateful to be putting away money but really frustrated that I dont get any me time.

Hopefully Ill be back soon

sigh

Blake

Lots to talk about. No energy to do it right now.



Blake texted me on Saturday afternoon.

Not to get me back.

Not to tell me he'd made a mistake.

After 4 months of silence....

He texted to say "hey"

to tell me he still thinks about me

and cares about me a lot

and that he's sorry for everything.

He is still marrying C.

He is still not coming back.


For a split second,

I thought things were going to turn out right.

Should have known.

He contacted me out of pure selfishness

and I made sure that he knew

thats how I felt.



After all these steps towards normal

I feel like Ive been set back.


What do you do when you've become so indifferent

that the only reason

you still go through the motions...

...is because you have no other choice?