Im still here!

I am currently CRAMMING for the PSB exam (Entrance exam for Sonography) and am in FREAK OUT MODE as I drove 3 hours home today after my classes and must turn around 12 hours later and drive back for my afternoon class AFTER taking the exam at the buttcrack of dawn!

B and I spent last weekend in Oak Island celebrating his aunt and uncles 40th wedding anniversary and had so much fun! I promise I will update you all on B soon! :)

Want a hint on how its going?


:) (haha)

Wordless Wednesday

{Ashboro Zoo 3/20/2010}

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Fear

N changed me.

He took pieces of me.

Pieces I don't think Ill ever get back.

He made me different.


I sacrificed parts of myself...

to make him happy.



I was slowly dropping pieces of me...

and instead of taking them into his loving arms

he was dropping them by the wayside....

Locking them away.

Taking all the pieces of me he didnt like

and throwing them out so I would be

who he wanted me to be.


...It didnt work.

Even changing doesnt make people love you...



I didnt know I wasnt me anymore

until B came into my life...

and starting making me feel like...

me again...


Where I had holes... he placed little pieces of himself

and amazing pieces of our Savior

and filled me again...

is still filling me...

I am not healed....

Not yet....

I may never be....

but when Im with him....

my heart aches less

and my soul sings more

Life is beautiful again.



But....

the fear still sticks...

Even when its buried deep inside me

it still finds its way to the surface every once in a while.


Im afraid.

Scared that Blake will leave me.

That I will lose the one person

who makes me feel like me again...


If he changes the way he treats me even the slightest bit...

doesnt say "I love you"... or say "bye sweetie"

or doesnt take my hand when we walk down the sidewalk...

My heart jumps into my throat...

and knots form in the pit of my stomach...



I know that feeling...

I know it too well....



The feeling of uncertainty.

of insecurity.

of mistrust.

of fear.


What if this is all a huge joke and He isnt really meant to be my husband?

What if he decides he doesnt love me?

What if he walks away and never looks back??


Where will that leave me?

Broken.

Confused.

and Alone.



My heart cannot take anymore hurt.

I cannot give anymore pieces away...

if I do... there will be nothing left.


I am in love with a man who is amazing to me....

but still I live in fear that he wont choose me....

that once again, Ill spend my life fighting for a lost cause....

Im scared....

to love him this much.

I have NEVER...

been SOOO happy to drive 3 hours back to school as I am right at this moment. :)




I submitted my "Intent to Apply" to the Medical Songraphy Program this morning. Now, I have to take the entrance exam within 2 weeks and wait and see....

One Month

Today marks 1 month since the first time Blake and I hung out (and I guess also became official- haha)
-----------------------------------------
Funny Story....

part of our last phone conversation:

Me: What the heck? Is this like national "EVERYBODY GET ENGAGED" week? THREE of my friends got engaged over spring break
Blake: :) Are you trying to drop hints babe?
Me: No way, Im just saying- its so crazy that people are getting married right and left
B: Why is it crazy? Would you not marry me right now if I asked you?
Me: Umm I ABSOLUTELY would- but I want you to do it when you are READY and when you want to- not because you think I want you to.
B: Babe, I know I want to marry you. I knew from the first day I saw you running on the track. I knew that I loved you then.

okay maybe it wasnt funny but it was awesome and Im still smiling because of it :o)
AHHHH I would so marry that boy tomorrow!

****PICS COMING SOON HOPEFULLY!*****

This boy makes me smile :)

Blake had to work A LOT this week so he wasn't able to come down to visit me for our Spring Break...

When I found out he wouldnt be able to come, I was bummed.... but of course I understand because he has a great job and they needed him.

I also knew that after 3 weeks of being together every single day, this week would be a good test to see how we would feel if we were separated....

Well..... I seriously feel like half of me is missing.

I think about him ALL DAY LONG!

Its an awesome thing to WANT to talk to someone all the time but know that I dont NEED to (like I did with N because of our trust issues). Its amazing to talk to him at 11pm when Im going to bed and he's out with some buddies and I dont have even one second of " FREAK OUT OMGOSH he's out drinking with his friends- what is he gonna do to hurt me this time?"

I just feel so lucky to have met B. He's truly amazing and every single day, I find myself falling for him more and more... especially this week since we are limited to only phone conversations.
He always says what he means and means what he says and it's great to be so secure in someone since all I have ever known was insecurity with N.

Hes like a breath of fresh air

-------------------------------------------------------

I spoke to B right before he went into work this afternoon but we were cut short because he was on the clock- I was really disappointed because Ive just really been missing him today...

About 15 minutes later, B sent me a text....

Blake: I miss you
Me: I miss you too- I dont like being away from you
Blake: I know, me either. Being away from you has made me realize how much you already mean to me

Wana know how I know he's the one?

Because he gives me butterflies.... even from over 300 miles away.

I dont like this one bit.

I told myself I wouldnt...

that Id be just fine without him....

But....

man, do I miss Blake this week!

I am home for Spring Break and I just feel like a piece of me is missing.

Dont get me wrong, I am LOVING being at the beach with this gorgeous weather and hanging with my Ollydog for the past few days but.... It would be SO MUCH better if he were here, too.

Its only been 3.5 weeks and I feel like he and I are so intertwined that when we are apart, it feels weird.

Oh gosh, I think I have it BAD! :)

How we met!

Okayyyyy I knowwwwwwww!!! This is LONG overdue- so I will get you up to speed QUICKLY (yeah yeah haha) with a timeline of the past months

About 3 months ago, Blake and I were BRIEFLY introduced at a concert through a mutual friend. I didnt give him a 2nd thought- the only reason I remembered his name is because that mutual friend thought he was "hot" :)
-------------------------------------------------------
Basically.... we met at the gym (what am awesome story- haha!) but heres how it happened!

Tuesday, Jan 26- Saw each other at the gym- he and I were both running on the track and EVERY TIME he passed me, I couldnt take my eyes off his SMOKIN BODY! Hhaha.... We both KNEW we were supposed to know each other and although I knew exactly how I knew him, I knew he had no idea. haha. So I just didnt say anything- In my heart, I knew that if we were meant to talk one day- we would. soooo we just exchanged smiles and that was it

Tuesday, Feb 2- Saw him at the gym again, ended up stretching in the same area outside of the track- talked for a min before going our separate ways.

Tuesday, Feb 9- "Gym date" (haha this is what my roomie insisted on calling these "unofficial" meet ups between B and I)-- talked for 45 minutes while we stretched- asked me if Id be there again on Thursday- I said yes- I never thought he'd actually show on that Thursday

Thursday, Feb 11- "Gym date" (he asked me for my # but didnt have his phone so he gave me his... walked me to my class after the gym)

Friday, Feb 12- finally got the guts to text him ;) He said he was "glad I FINALLY texted him"- He was worried he wouldnt see me until the gym the next week"- He asked me if I was going out at all this weekend and to let him know if I did.

Saturday, Feb 13- I had a mini freak out and got too scared to actually hang out with him alone or to ride together wherever we were going so I told him my friends and I were going to a local bar to play pool and he could come if he wanted (was def too scared to allow us to have an OFFICIAL date :) He actually came... first time we hung out... :) I was falling for him by the end of the night....

Sunday, Feb 14- Sat up in my living room talking all night long after playing pool with everyone- He came down with a really bad fever and left in the morning (haha different story altogether!), After he left, I called my mom to tell her I had met my future husband; received a Valentines Day "E-card" from him around lunch time! SO cute!

Tuesday, Feb 16- He made me dinner (Linguini with clam sauce, garlic bread, salad) :)

Friday, Feb 19- He traveled to my hometown (he went to undergrad there) to hang out with friends and see me when I got home that Friday- Met my family and had dinner with them (THEY LOVED HIM!); I met a few of his friends from College- LOVED THEM!!

Saturday, Feb 27- Met his mom, drove to Charlotte to meet his best friend to celebrate her 25th birthday (She is a lesbian so I was REALLY nervous that it would become a competition for his attention since they have been bff since diapers- NOT how it was AT ALL!), LOVEEDDDD ALL THE PEOPLE I MET! Felt like part of the family already.

Sunday, Feb 28- He told me he loved me for the first time.

Saturday, March 6- Engagement party for his old friend, met more of his old friends... realized just how easily our lives meshed together.

tomorrow........ who knows :)


I am so in love with this man, Ladies. When I think about where I am going to be in a few years, he is there. I can already see that he will be an amazing husband and father. He is everything I ever dreamed of for my future husband and then some.... and then some more!! I am scared to death because everything is moving SO FAST but for some reason... I am content with that--- I am okay... and so is he....
We have talked about EVERYTHING from kids, to marriage, to family, to jobs, to traveling, to how fast this is all happening.... EVERYTHING and it seems like we are both in the same place in our lives and want a lot of the same things!! All the things that I feel and think about but are afraid to tell him, he meets me halfway and always ends up telling me that he feels the exact same way before even knowing that is how I feel. Its like he knows my heart without me even trying to give it to him.
When we went to Charlotte for his bff's birthday- He pulled me aside halfway through the night and starting stammering about something... but wouldnt get it out.... I knew he wanted to say something but he was acting SO nervous that I looked at him straight in his eyes and asked him to relax and tell me what he wanted to say... He said he was afriad that he would scare me away if he told me what he wanted to say... OF COURSE I wanted to know... so I beat it outta him (okay maybe not hahah but I did convince him to tell me) Wanna know what he said??.... He told me this....

"I dont want this, Allison. I am scared shitless to get my heart broken again... This is happening so fast.................. but when I think about the future... you are there and I feel so good about that. You make me so happy and even though its only only been a couple weeks... I know that one day... I want to marry you..."

Can you even imagine how I reacted to hearing the words that I already knew in my heart were true for me? WHOA BABY- I couldnt stop grinning. My head was telling me to slow down and run away while my heart was telling me that this was exactly where I was supposed to be. I literally looked around that room - saw his family... all of his best friends... and I felt.... at home.... I felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time in a LONG time.... and I just couldn't help but smile....

Now, I do not know what will happen and I do not know if this man will indeed become my husband but I sure hope so. He is amazing.... and I am in awe of how my wonderful God works....

Just 2 weeks before seeing him at the gym that first time, I sat down and with my whole heart, told God that I did not want a man at that time and I asked him to help me be content with just Him....

I had decided (once again) what I wanted and I matter of factly told God exactly how I thought my life should be....

You know that saying, "God laughs at those who plan"...?

Yeah... well if you know me AT ALL... you know I am a huge control freak... and I plan everything.... Well... after our little talk.... God must have been laughing pretty hard with this one.... because look where I am now....

I was not expecting Blake to walk into my life like he has. Its like Ive known him forever and he's always been there... even though in my head, I know he hasnt. It just feels.... right.

I am so incredibly excited to see what God has in store for Blake and I.

BUST!

WOW, Q & A - Blake style - was a BUST!

HAHA!

I promise I will tell the story of how we met... AFTER this week... MIDTERM WEEK.

Lets just say.... I am definitely falling hard for this guy.